Hurt

"Harry had once told him that the worst feeling imaginable was to find yourself hating the person you loved best in the world; he wondered now if this was only because Harry had never known what it was like to love someone and realize you could not trust them. Surely that was worse. It had to be."

I've been on both ends of this statement. The last month or so that Troy and I were together, I knew I still loved him with all my heart, but I couldn't trust him. I trusted that he wouldn't cheat on me, although now I wonder if he may have while he was in England. I trusted the things that he told me, because he'd never lied. What I doubted was that he'd be there for me when I needed him. Emotionally, physically or any other way. I was going through a phase in my life, thankfully one of the last painful phases until I found myself, and it was rough. I was unsure about who I was and what I wanted. I doubted people's love for me, and maybe that was a mistake. Either way, I loved him, but I didn't trust him. As much as that hurts, and is frustrating, I think it's even more painful to hate someone you love.

My brother was making fun of me the other day, joking around and using guys and phantom relationships and past relationships to make fun of me. The problem with my brother is that he takes it too far. It's all fine and good if he latches on to a guy's name that I've had nothing to do with or are just friends with and starts making up rumours, I couldn't care less except that its annoying. But when he starts talking about past relationships, particularly when he knows nothing about them, that's when it just pisses me off. And thats what he did the other day, he was talking about Troy and said something about "clingy". He repeated that Troy had told his sister who had told my brother that Troy had broken up with me because I was too clingy. I just about killed him. It's one thing to tell my I'm clingy; it's quite another thing to hear that my ex-boyfriend, whom I still somewhat trusted, had been telling everyone that I was clingy. And to reduce the whole six month relationship to one painful word...it was agony. And then there was the fact that my brother told me this, in an attempt to use it to make fun of me. Why would he do that? Why would he tell me something he knew would hurt me? And when I reacted, as he must have known I would, he made fun of me further, joking that he'd hit a nerve. I absolutely hated him in that moment. Just writing it here is making me cry right now, and I hate that too because I've been so strong lately. I confronted him about it the next day and he made a joke of it again, saying that he thought I'd want to know. He tried to tell me more but I didn't want to hear it. It's so frustrating, even when I want to forget about Troy he still gets used against me in the most cruel ways.

Even while I hate my brother for saying what he said, I hate Troy for saying it in the first place. I realized this morning that I was over him, and that I hated him more that I could ever imagine. He picked me up tonight for dance and I barely looked at him. As we sat waiting for the class before us to finish up, I sat as far away from him as possible and just wanted to hurt him. I sat there for a few minutes, visualizing the taekwondo moves I've learned and what I could use to hurt him. A jab to the solar plexus, a jab to the face to break his nose, a knee to the groin would go well, he'd never see it coming, not from me, and when he'd be down on the ground, writhing in pain, a kick to the ribs, just to make sure he's suffered as much as he's made me suffer. He's put me through hell, knowingly or not, and I'm sick of letting him control my emotions. I want to take back control of how I feel about him. When he broke up with me, he made me promise I wouldn't hate him. I knew even then that it wasn't a promise I could keep.

"I don't trust you, cause every time you're near your intentions are unclear...I used to think you were the one, now I'm sick of thinking anything at all." -Maroon 5 "Through With You"

So why can't I just hate him? Why can't I kick him out of my life and my thoughts and move on? Because even though I hate him sometimes, he still makes me laugh. And even when I try to look away, he still drags me in. He seemed hurt today that I didn't like his new chinstrap beard. I was deliberately being cold and unkind tonight and he seemed to notice it and try even harder. I can't let go because even when I hate him, he still makes me like him. He breaks up with me, tells me we have no shot at getting back together, and then he flirts with me, resting his arm on my shoulder, making jokes and looking at me with this look in his eyes like he's really seeing me for the first time. Everytime I start to see these things and think I've got a shot, I try so hard to push them out of my mind. I can't go on like that, thinking it might work out. At this point I don't think I want them to, but that's a decision I won't let myself consider. I won't let myself be hurt by him again. I won't.

-Este

Sleep Deprived Ramblings

Lying in bed last night....or this morning I guess, there's so many things I wanted to remember. Things I wanted to hold on to. But now most of them are gone.

Last night was an oddly amazing experience. It was supposed to be a party but when K and I got there there was only the host and the other guy, D. 20 minutes or so later, the 2 other girls got there. We hung out for awhile and played various videogames for awhile until the redhead and the druggie showed up :P. Neither one stayed long and then it was back to the 6 of us. We played poker for awhile (I kicked ass) until our host got bored and went downstairs to watch a movie. We all followed after a minute and I sat next to him, we shared a blanket and it was fun :). After a long time when we were all stiff and sore, we opened up the couch (it was a pullout) and somehow myself, K, and C ended up screwed sitting at the edge with nothing to lean on. So we all grabbed pillows and leaned against the people who sat at the top of the couch. I leaned against our host, who had his legs stretched out so I basically had my head resting on his knee. I say it was amazing because we got there at 9:30 at night and didn't leave until 5:30 in the morning. To be that close to people, to have 6 people crammed onto one pullout couch/bed, it became so intimate. We all said things we wouldn't usually, we were all touching parts of each other we wouldn't usually and it was fun. There's more I wanted to say, I'm sure, but half of it is lost to the 2.5 hours of sleep that I had, and half of it will have to wait until I get home from work. Either way, it was a great night and I'm excited to repeat it at a later date.

-Este

New Semester

Well it's official. My new semester sucks. I have huge classes with nobody I really know in them, except for my one friend who has the whole day with me. And even then, I'm already sick of her. She sits with me and talks to other friends, completely ignoring me. I don't like it. In my afternoon class she sits with one of her friends, whom I can't stand, and told me to sit next to her. So I sat down and then realized that I can barely hear her, and that I'm so cut off from all my friends. I really hate it. Its only the first day and I already miss my old friends from my first semester classes. Its not that they're not still my friends, of course they are, but I miss not having them in my classes. This semester is going to suck. It's my last semester of high school and I'm going to spend it miserable.