Aw fuck, I want to cut again.

I need a punching bag.

Such Is Life

"Here It Goes Again" - Ok Go
It could be ten, but then again, I can't remember half an hour since a quarter to four.
Throw on your clothes, the second side of Surfer Rosa, and you leave me with my jaw on the floor.
Just when you think you're in control,
just when you think you've got a hold,
just when you get on a roll,
here it goes,
here it goes,
here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
I should have known,
should have known,
should have known again,
but here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
It starts out easy, something simple, something sleazy, something inching past the edge of the reserve.
Now through lines of the cheap venetian blinds your car is pulling off of the curb.
Just when you think you're in control,
just when you think you've got a hold,
just when you get on a roll,
here it goes,
here it goes,
here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
I should have known,
should have known,
should have known again,
but here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
I guess there's got to be a break in the monotony, but Jesus, when it rains how it pours.
Throw on your clothes, the second side of Surfer Rosa, and you leave me, yeah, you leave me.
Oh, here it goes,
here it goes,
here it goes again.
Oh here it goes again.
I should have known,
should have known,
should have known again,
but here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.

So my dad is home from the cottage. I could tell from the moment he walked through the door that he was drunk. I have such little respect for him when he's like this. I wish just once he'd try to make me do something, or try to discipline me while he's like this, just so I can turn around and tell him "Fuck you dad, you're drunk." It's not like I don't have a lot of experience dealing with him like this. I usually roll my eyes and stay as far away from him as I can. Before I moved out he was drinking a lot. He'd come home, have 6 beers and pass out in front of the tv at 8pm. I can't say that didn't contribute to me leaving home. But when I left he was good. And then I came back, and he started getting hammered every weekend away from my mom and I. It amazes me how he manages to make the hour and a half drive home without ever getting pulled over. One of these days he's going to get arrested for DUI, and I'm going to stand there and shake my head. And I'm not going to do a thing to help him. He's fucked with my family with this for far too long. He's my dad, and because of that I do love him, but sometimes I just want to scream at him. Does he not see what he's doing? I feel so helpless. It fucking sucks.

I've been feeling helpless for a few days now. I work with a guy I'm interested in and every shift we get closer and closer to something happening. Be it in conversations or just being physically close to him. But still nothing happens. The past couple weeks have really done a number on me. I'm a firm believer in ups and downs. That life is nothing but a giant seesaw. I've been up for awhile now. I guess I just hit my down. It really does suck. I'm doubting myself, seems like I can't do anything right, that I'm not enough. But at least I know that it's only a down, and eventually I have to come back up.

Deflating

It's sad how much my self-confidence and self-esteem can waiver. I spent some time with some friends tonight. I was really looking forward to just having a quiet girls night, so I'll admit it, I was disappointed when it ended up being 5 people. Still I figured it could be fun, especially when there was the possibility of someone I had been wanting to see again showing up. But he never did, and it wouldn't surprise me if the idea had never been suggested. But oh well. The entire time I just felt like a 5th wheel. Made 10x worse by the fact that I'm interested in one of the guys, and he's not even involved with the girl....ick. It was shitty, and except for moments few and far between, I didn't really enjoy myself. By the end of the night I was just feeling shitty. Riding home in the van I was thinking about it all. I've overcome a lot of things in my life. I don't say that for attention or for anyone to feel sorry for me, I say it because it makes me feel good. It reminds me that I really have been through a lot. I used to be a very scared, very timid person. I never spoke up for myself, never tried to talk to anyone outside my group, and even within my group I was never comfortable. I have honestly grown so much and I have so much self-confidence and such good self-esteem now. I'm rarely uncertain when it comes to talking to people and I can shrug most things off now. But some things still eat away at that. Being around someone you're interested in and having him not notice you at all is one of those things. It makes me second guess myself. Makes me wonder about my beauty, my personality, my body. It makes me wonder if I'm not good enough. And I hate feeling like that. I hate not feeling secure. It's not that I'm vain enough to think that I'm beautiful, I know I'm not. And it's not that I'm conceited enough to believe that every guy should like me, I'm not that stupid. It's just that for someone who has felt so confident and sure of myself and strong, it's horrible to feel so small and dependent on someone else's opinion for my own happiness. I've had moments where I've felt larger than life, and every so often someone comes and deflates me in one fell swoop. I hate it. I absolutely abhor it. I can't stand feeling like this.

Another Poem

I wrote this for my Writer's Craft exam a couple days ago. I posted it on facebook too. I'm vaguely proud of it, even though it's not all that good. It's not really connected to anything going on in my life, and it was written as a response to a poem we were given during the exam, but even so, it speaks to me somehow. It's one of those great things about all poetry; good and bad, that's so hard to define.

While you weren't watching
A rose blossomed
A baby was born
And I smiled,
But you were still looking at her.

While you weren't listening
A child laughed
A wave crashed ashore
And I spoke to you,
But you were still hearing her.

While you weren't feeling
A butterfly kissed you
The sun warmed your face
And I reached for your hand,
But you were still holding her.

While you were distracted
One hundred of the
Most beautiful things
Passed you by,
Because you were still thinking of her.


-Este

Poetry

For whatever reason, my muse seems to have finally returned to me. At least my muse of poetry has. If only my muse for long fiction stories that have to be written in the next 3 days would come back. Then I might be able to pass Writer's Craft. Either way, here's two poems I've written in two days. One in Philosophy and one in English. They are unrelated and both untitled.

1.
To Face Fears
Is always harder in the moonlight.
When darkness seeps through the window,
and invades your body,
breaking through your faith,
and your self-confidence,
making everything seem much worse
than it really is.
At night,
When all distractions are silent,
except for your own thoughts,
and fears.
All alone to dwell on things
you can escape throughout the day.
But wait-
The sun will rise,
the long red fingers will reach from the horizon
and pull away the blackness,
Leaving you to your distractions
Fresh, clear and bright
and you are able once again
To Face Fears.

2.
I sat on the beach,
The warm sand caressing my body,
Holding me softly.
And I thought about you
Holding me softly
Your warm hands caressing my body.
I sat on the beach,
The cool breeze running through my hair,
Twisting and tangling.
And I thought about you
Twisting and tangling
Your long fingers running through my hair.
I sat on the beach,
The hot sun tracing my stomach,
Helping me meditate.
And I thought about you,
Helping me meditate
Your hot skin tracing my stomach.
I sat on the beach
The water slipping through my fingers,
Lost to me.
And I thought about you
Lost to me
Your love slipping through my fingers.

Neither poem is really all that good, but I find it really hard to rhyme now. I prefer to have some kind of repetition. I really enjoy finding new ways to use repetition in my poetry. I play around with it a lot and sometimes (often) it doesn't come out very well but I like it anyway because I've taken some kind of risk with it. At the very least, I'm glad I'm writing again. Now if I could only get started on those stories for my class...

-Este

Feelings

I've got that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. You know the one. The antsy feeling. The feeling you get when you're sitting absolutely still and your body still seems to be frantic under your skin. When your heart swells in your chest to the point where it's close to exploding. And it's hard to breathe. It's hard to sit still with everything swirling around inside you. It's times like those that you have to run or scream or punch something. It's what I've wanted to do since I yelled at CR. I considered taking my dog for a walk when I got home, but that wouldn't have killed enough energy. I considered grabbing the skipping rope from my garage and doing some crisscrosses, but I passed. I also considered putting on some music and doing a bunch of jabs and kicks from self-defense, but by the time I got home it just seemed silly. On the very bright side, one thing that didn't even cross my mind was cutting. For so long everytime I've been upset I've wanted to cut. I quit around June last year for the longest I ever had, but I still wanted to do it. When I finally got the courage together to ask Troy if there was a chance of us getting back together, and when he told me no, I cut again. I was dying to do it, but that time there was none of the frantic need that there used to be. That time it was calculated. I knew exactly what I was doing and the consequences behind it. And I did it and realized something. It fucking hurt. For the first time since I started, it really hurt. And I realized that I didn't need it anymore. I spend the next 2 weeks hiding my scar from my parents, terrified that they would see it and know. I realized that I didn't want to live like that. It's not cutting that makes me feel better, it's having something to focus on, to distract me. I know I'll forget that through my life, and I know I'll cut again, but it will be a lesson every couple of years, just to remind me that I don't need it.

One of the biggest things that gets me through feeling like this is music. There's a song I love, that I've loved for awhile for different reasons. It's almost impossible to get a real feel for the emotion behind the song without actually hearing it. It's as much is the energy and the tone as it is in the lyrics.

No Giving Up - Crossfade
So you found out today your life's not the same
Not quite as perfect as it was yesterday but
When you were just getting in the groove
Now you're faced with something new
And I know it hurts and I know you feel torn
But you never gave up this easily before
So why do you choose today to give it all away

Well it's not so bad y'all
Together we all fall
Just as long we get up we'll stand tall
We shouldn't waste another day
Thinking 'bout the things that we forgot to say

I'm hittin' back y'all
Kickin' these four walls
Just as hard as I can til I can't crawl
I won't waste another day
With all these silly things
Swimmin' in my brain

[Chorus]
There's no giving up now
Do you really want to give this all away
Can't you ever see things in a different way
Somedays
No giving up now
Such a beautiful thing to throw away
You should think things through
Over and over again
All over again

So your scars fade away
You soaked up the pain
A better person 'cause you lived through those days
And now you know what it's like to prove
You can overcome anything that gets to you
Well it's alright
We're sayin' our goodbyes
To the past and everything that ain't right
We won't waste another day
With all these silly things in our way

[Chorus]

I know we have given
All that we can give
When there's nothing to lean on
Well, I remember this
All we make of this lifetime
Is always here within
And remembering that's why
We should never give in

[Chorus]

There's no giving up now

To get the real feel for the song I'd strongly suggest you download it.

-Este

Beauty

There's a lot of beautiful things in this world. Of course beauty is subjective, but when it comes right down to it, the most basic form of beauty is universal. Confidence is beautiful, music is beautiful, art is beautiful. Everything you can think of on this earth has some amount of beauty in it. That fact is irrefutable. It is the level of beauty that people find subjective. I was looking up a particular poem by Lord Byron and I stumbled across this one. It in no way reflects anything going on in my life but I love it anyway. It speaks to me in some way. And I find it incredibly beautiful but I can't for the life of me pinpoint why.

I Watched Thee - Lord Byron

I watched thee when the foe was at our side
Ready to strike at him, or thee and me
Were safety hopeless rather than divide
Aught with one loved, save love and liberty.

I watched thee in the breakers when the rock
Received our prow and all was storm and fear
And bade thee cling to me through every shock
This arm would be thy bark or breast thy bier.

I watched thee when the fever glazed thine eyes
Yielding my couch, and stretched me on the ground
When overworn with watching, ne'er to rise
From thence, if thou an early grave hadst found.

The Earthquake came and rocked the quivering wall
And men and Nature reeled as if with wine
Whom did I seek around the tottering Hall
For thee, whose safety first provide for thine.

And when convulsive throes denied my breath
The faintest utterance to my fading thought
To thee, to thee, even in the grasp of death
My spirit turned. Ah! oftener than it ought.

Thus much and more, and yet thou lov'st me not,
And never wilt, Love dwells not in our will
Nor can I blame thee, though it be my lot
To strongly, wrongly, vainly, love thee still.

Unfinished Business

I always seem to have a hard time finishing entries. I get started on one and then get distracted and before I know it, whatever I was going to talk about doesn't seem as important anymore. I decided today that I'm going to finish a couple of entries I've started in the last couple of weeks.

Regret

Have you ever regretted something? Of course you have, we all have. Most of the time these regrets are small things. We regret not getting up early to get breakfast that day. We regret not doing our homework. We regret missing that game-winning touchdown pass. Occasionally we regret something that affects other people. And that's when life gets complicated.

I thought I was interested him someone. I'll call him SR. I liked him. But I had no idea how he felt, so I kept quiet about it. Then I saw him at a party, and he had his arm around me all night. He got really drunk and after asking for a New Year's kiss (which I refused, my morals getting the better of me) he apologized profusely for being so drunk and told me that he had been planning on asking me out that night. By the end of the night I had been so jerked around by all these different emotions (seeing my ex-boyfriend for the first time in 2 months, dealing with other drunk people, etc) that I was just emotionally exhausted and didn't care anymore. I had to walk home with SR and another drunk person and I had had all I could take. SR started to apologize again and I blew up at him, almost yelling that I didn't give a shit and that if he wanted to make those decisions and screw himself over then it was up to him, it was none of my business. I was angry and didn't talk to him for a couple of days. Then I went to work and talked to my co-worker who essentially told me that guys are idiots but that he drank because he was nervous and didn't talk to me because he was embarrassed, and to give him another chance. So I did. SR and I went out last week. We saw a movie and then came back to my house to have pizza and hang out for awhile. We ended up making out on my couch, horizontally, and cuddling for a long time.

The thing is, SR really isn't good at making out. In fact, he's actually really bad. He kept making strange and awkward comments and I just felt uncomfortable the whole time. And yet, I couldn't stop kissing him. It felt so good to be so intimate with someone again. To be held, to feel that skin on skin contact, to feel that passion. And so when he left we were still kissing as he walked out the door. But as soon as he left I regretted it so much. I knew I was leading him on because after that I really didn't want to be with him. I don't want to be a girlfriend right now. I'm not ready to be tied down. I want to be out dating, I want to be able to make out with a different guy every week and not care. But how do I do that without getting the reputation of a slut? It's impossible. But I'm not going to settle for someone I don't really want. I'm holding out for someone I want who really wants me. Because one of the most appealing things about a guy is that he wants me. The only thing is I'm still attracted to SR. Not sexually attracted, not anymore, but attracted nonetheless. I think one of the most attractive things is a guy who is involved in something. A guy who leads something. And SR leads a big athletic thing at my school. I respect him for that. But at the same time, he doesn't have a job or anything like that. I want my ex-boyfriend back. Not because I miss him but because he had all the qualities I look for in a guy. He was my ideal boyfriend. But I screwed that up. I wish I knew then what I know now. About him and about me. I wish I'd been more independant, and I wish I'd given him more space when he needed it. It all comes down to me being too clingy, too dependant on him for my happiness. And that is what I regret most.

Money Makes the World Go 'Round

Sometimes I really despise my family. They have good intentions, sure, but sometimes those good intentions are misplaced, or at the expense of something else.There's no money for me to go to university. I applied 2 days ago to 5 different universities for 5 very different programs. University of Toronto -St. George campus for Book/Media Studies, University of Toronto - Mississauga campus for Management, Queen's University for English, Ryerson University for Psychology and University of Ottawa for Honours Sociology/Communication. Each program and each university has its appeals. Each program relates somehow to the kind of career I want to have, except psychology. I've yet to find the link for that one. uOttawa is close to home meaning I don't have to stay in residence, Queen's is small and comfortable and near my cottage so I can go there on the weekends, plus I know a little bit of the campus already. Ryerson is the only place I think I have a shot of getting into the psychology program in, and it looks to be small classes. St George is in the heart of downtown Toronto and that kind of busy city lifestyle appeals to me. As for Mississauga, I'm not going to lie, I don't want to lose someone I'm close to when graduation rolls along. Mississauga does have the program I want, but the reason I applied was mostly so that I might not lose my friend.
But back to money. My dad is pushing for me to go to Queen's, one of the most expensive schools in Ontario, and yet at the same time he's telling me that there isn't enough money for me to go to U of T, even though Toronto is a bit cheaper. It's stupid. What my parents are telling me now is that they'll pay my tuition, but I'm paying for residence myself. In Toronto thats about $9000. And I have about $600 saved up, though I plan on spending at least $300 of that on clothes for my cruise and on the cruise itself in March. I don't know how I'm going to come up with the money. I'm scared. I don't know if anything is going to work out. I just know that I can't wait to get out of here, to be on my own. Sometimes I want to get away from my family, sometimes I want to get away from my friends, but mostly I think I want to get away from myself. To start fresh where all the bad choices I've made mean nothing. To be my own person and live for myself. That was my New Year's Resolution; To live for myself, not for anyone else. I plan on doing that, maybe it won't happen until next August, but it will happen. It has to happen.

-Este

Friendships

On Friendship

Everyone has friends right? People they spend time with. People to laugh and have fun with. People to go out with and talk to. I've always had some people like that. But I never really felt like part of the group. They were always closer friends with each other than with me. Through most of my life I had one true friend, who might get caught up with someone else from time to time, but who always came back to me. For the better part of 17 years I called her my best friend, because everyone has a best friend, right? But we drifted apart and changed, and I don't quite like the person she's become. But I must have had other friends, right? For 2 years my boyfriends were my best friends. They were my life. Their friends became my friends. When I was finally dumped I was left there completely lost, in my grade 12 year. I had no best friend. In fact, I barely had any friends. And so I put myself out there. I made new friends, who eventually grew into good friends. And for awhile I thought I was in the best position I could be in.


On Complicated Friendships

It should be said that most of my new friends were male. I had no problem with this, as a general rule I prefer spending time with guys. Come to think of it, it probably has something to do with my boyfriends being my best friends. But nothing every stays simple. It seems that two members of the opposite sex can't just be friends. The dynamic of the group has changed slightly in the last few months and no one is quite as comfortable now as they were before.

On New Friends and Best Friends

Now to the real reason of this post. One person I became closer to recently is a new friend. I've known her for awhile but I've never really known what a gem I've been missing. I can be stupid and silly around her one minute and serious the next and she follows everything. I feel like she really gets me, and I could tell her anything (I often do) and she wouldn't judge. She always has some kind of answer, even if it's only a suggestion or opinion. I can bounce ideas off of her and feel like I'm being intellectually challenged, a hard thing to come across in a friend. I never grow tired of talking to her and I can sit down and have a really good laugh with her. She writes a lot, like I do, and she lets me read some of it. Some of it makes me want to cry and some of it makes me want to laugh because I see so much of myself in her. What I want more than anything is for her to trust me entirely. For her to know that I'm here for her, whenever she needs me, for whatever reason. I would gladly stay up all night with her talking about absolutely nothing, or spend a night consoling her about anything. I've been calling her my best friend in my head for awhile now, but for whatever reason I haven't said it out loud yet. I have some irrational fear that by telling her I'll somehow scare off someone important to me. But there it is, I think she's my best friend, and there's no one I'd rather be better friends with than her.

-Este

I found this in a random blog on another site. The person posting it mentioned that this poem described how he wished he was, and how he wished other people saw him. I found it so true and so moving that I had to post it here. I've been hurt by a lot of things, and I always move on but I'm never truly over the things that have happened to me. They still affect me and affect the way I act and think and behave later on. I've always dreamt of being unaffected by stuff like that. Of controlling my emotions instead of letting them control me. Of being above the trivial things in life. But at the same time, I think we do need to experience things to grow as a person. Our lives are shaped by the choices we make and what we let affect us, are they not?


Invictus
by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever god’s may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.


Something to think about I guess.

-Este