Feelings

I've got that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. You know the one. The antsy feeling. The feeling you get when you're sitting absolutely still and your body still seems to be frantic under your skin. When your heart swells in your chest to the point where it's close to exploding. And it's hard to breathe. It's hard to sit still with everything swirling around inside you. It's times like those that you have to run or scream or punch something. It's what I've wanted to do since I yelled at CR. I considered taking my dog for a walk when I got home, but that wouldn't have killed enough energy. I considered grabbing the skipping rope from my garage and doing some crisscrosses, but I passed. I also considered putting on some music and doing a bunch of jabs and kicks from self-defense, but by the time I got home it just seemed silly. On the very bright side, one thing that didn't even cross my mind was cutting. For so long everytime I've been upset I've wanted to cut. I quit around June last year for the longest I ever had, but I still wanted to do it. When I finally got the courage together to ask Troy if there was a chance of us getting back together, and when he told me no, I cut again. I was dying to do it, but that time there was none of the frantic need that there used to be. That time it was calculated. I knew exactly what I was doing and the consequences behind it. And I did it and realized something. It fucking hurt. For the first time since I started, it really hurt. And I realized that I didn't need it anymore. I spend the next 2 weeks hiding my scar from my parents, terrified that they would see it and know. I realized that I didn't want to live like that. It's not cutting that makes me feel better, it's having something to focus on, to distract me. I know I'll forget that through my life, and I know I'll cut again, but it will be a lesson every couple of years, just to remind me that I don't need it.

One of the biggest things that gets me through feeling like this is music. There's a song I love, that I've loved for awhile for different reasons. It's almost impossible to get a real feel for the emotion behind the song without actually hearing it. It's as much is the energy and the tone as it is in the lyrics.

No Giving Up - Crossfade
So you found out today your life's not the same
Not quite as perfect as it was yesterday but
When you were just getting in the groove
Now you're faced with something new
And I know it hurts and I know you feel torn
But you never gave up this easily before
So why do you choose today to give it all away

Well it's not so bad y'all
Together we all fall
Just as long we get up we'll stand tall
We shouldn't waste another day
Thinking 'bout the things that we forgot to say

I'm hittin' back y'all
Kickin' these four walls
Just as hard as I can til I can't crawl
I won't waste another day
With all these silly things
Swimmin' in my brain

[Chorus]
There's no giving up now
Do you really want to give this all away
Can't you ever see things in a different way
Somedays
No giving up now
Such a beautiful thing to throw away
You should think things through
Over and over again
All over again

So your scars fade away
You soaked up the pain
A better person 'cause you lived through those days
And now you know what it's like to prove
You can overcome anything that gets to you
Well it's alright
We're sayin' our goodbyes
To the past and everything that ain't right
We won't waste another day
With all these silly things in our way

[Chorus]

I know we have given
All that we can give
When there's nothing to lean on
Well, I remember this
All we make of this lifetime
Is always here within
And remembering that's why
We should never give in

[Chorus]

There's no giving up now

To get the real feel for the song I'd strongly suggest you download it.

-Este