Such Is Life

"Here It Goes Again" - Ok Go
It could be ten, but then again, I can't remember half an hour since a quarter to four.
Throw on your clothes, the second side of Surfer Rosa, and you leave me with my jaw on the floor.
Just when you think you're in control,
just when you think you've got a hold,
just when you get on a roll,
here it goes,
here it goes,
here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
I should have known,
should have known,
should have known again,
but here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
It starts out easy, something simple, something sleazy, something inching past the edge of the reserve.
Now through lines of the cheap venetian blinds your car is pulling off of the curb.
Just when you think you're in control,
just when you think you've got a hold,
just when you get on a roll,
here it goes,
here it goes,
here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
I should have known,
should have known,
should have known again,
but here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
I guess there's got to be a break in the monotony, but Jesus, when it rains how it pours.
Throw on your clothes, the second side of Surfer Rosa, and you leave me, yeah, you leave me.
Oh, here it goes,
here it goes,
here it goes again.
Oh here it goes again.
I should have known,
should have known,
should have known again,
but here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.

So my dad is home from the cottage. I could tell from the moment he walked through the door that he was drunk. I have such little respect for him when he's like this. I wish just once he'd try to make me do something, or try to discipline me while he's like this, just so I can turn around and tell him "Fuck you dad, you're drunk." It's not like I don't have a lot of experience dealing with him like this. I usually roll my eyes and stay as far away from him as I can. Before I moved out he was drinking a lot. He'd come home, have 6 beers and pass out in front of the tv at 8pm. I can't say that didn't contribute to me leaving home. But when I left he was good. And then I came back, and he started getting hammered every weekend away from my mom and I. It amazes me how he manages to make the hour and a half drive home without ever getting pulled over. One of these days he's going to get arrested for DUI, and I'm going to stand there and shake my head. And I'm not going to do a thing to help him. He's fucked with my family with this for far too long. He's my dad, and because of that I do love him, but sometimes I just want to scream at him. Does he not see what he's doing? I feel so helpless. It fucking sucks.

I've been feeling helpless for a few days now. I work with a guy I'm interested in and every shift we get closer and closer to something happening. Be it in conversations or just being physically close to him. But still nothing happens. The past couple weeks have really done a number on me. I'm a firm believer in ups and downs. That life is nothing but a giant seesaw. I've been up for awhile now. I guess I just hit my down. It really does suck. I'm doubting myself, seems like I can't do anything right, that I'm not enough. But at least I know that it's only a down, and eventually I have to come back up.