HOWARD: STOP READING
It is a strange thing that a person can attend the same event two years in a row, experience it as differently as humanly possible, and still come out feeling the same. There’s so many things I want to say about prom, things that occurred to me throughout the night, things that I want to remember, and sure, things that I’d like to forget. The bulk of these things are lost now, due in part to the amount of alcohol I consumed (albeit little), the sheer craziness of the night, the number of things going on, and the good night’s sleep. What hasn’t scattered in the wind of my brain, I will attempt to relate here.
Last year, I attended prom with Troy. We spent time with his friends, we didn’t drink, we stayed in a hotel room just the two of us, he was sweet and caring and it was an incredibly romantic and perfect night.
What a difference. This year I attended with my best friends. I had a blast through most of it. I wasn’t thinking about my boyfriend and what he wanted to do, I was thinking about myself and looking out for my friends, something I don’t mind doing in the slightest. I drank this year, discovering that screwdrivers taste just as disgusting as I thought they would, and that Smirnoff is pretty damn tasty after you get past the first couple sips. That may well beat out rum and coke as my drink of choice. I also got a hotel room this year with those three friends and I’m very glad that I did. Everyone was having a great time at one point or another during the night, and the fact that we were all there together made for an almost perfect night.
The feeling that remained the same over the two years though, is the feeling that something is missing.
You don’t want to hurt me/
Baby don’t worry/
I’m not gonna let you.
I’m sure you’ve heard the story. At about 4 am last year, I woke up and got a glass of water and went to look out the window. The view was amazing. After a minute, Troy got up and did the same, standing behind me and holding me close. We could have been there for a minute or it could have been an hour, I honestly don’t know. But for however long it was, I was willing myself not to cry, because I knew that in a week he would be in England for a month and I didn’t want to lose him. Looking back now, a month seems so small, so infinitesimal in the grand scheme of things. And maybe I did lose him that month. Maybe he did cheat on me, as I’ve long suspected. Something must have happened to make him come home and tell me he didn’t love me anymore. That’s beside the point though.
This year, at 3 am, just before bed, I stood and looked out the hotel window, waiting to feel something wash over me. Instead I saw a different view, from a different floor on the opposite side of the hotel, with different people in the room, having had a different night. I was struck by how much life can change in one year. I thought I’d be with Troy forever, I honestly thought he was the one. But here I am one year later, 9 months after he broke up with me, without him, and feeling pretty damn good about it. It took a long time and a lot of missed opportunities, but I got over him and I’m a better person now for it. I’ve surrounded myself with people who do love me now. Who love me for who I am and who I could be. Who want the best for me. I feel safe, loved, and comfortable when I’m around them. I have a full and fulfilling life right now. But still, something is missing.
Looking around last night at all the couples, I realized something. I’m lonely. I need someone to love. I have my friends, yes, but it’s not the same at all. I need someone to hold and to be held by, someone to kiss and be kissed by, someone to touch and be touched by. This all hit me at about the 3rd sip of my second drink, which is why I gave it away. I was on the verge of crying, and really didn’t want to do anything I might regret later. Although I’m completely sober and crying now, funny isn’t it? Dancing with Andrew was fun. I really enjoyed it. We were almost grinding a couple times and I wanted so badly to do it, just to feel something, but I held back. It would have been nice to know that I still have an effect on guys. I think my past boyfriends would agree, when it comes to pleasing a guy, I’m pretty good, but getting involved in any sense with Andrew never turns out well for me. It would have been nice to get drunk and let go, but I didn’t want to regret last night.
And then there’s the more sexual/ physical side of all this. I haven’t had sex in over 9 months. And yeah, I miss it. I was sitting at dinner, leaning against the table, and absolutely dying for someone to run their hand across my bare back. To be touched romantically in any way.
Don’t kiss me like this, unless you mean it like that, if you do baby kiss me again.
But I gotta think twice/Before I give my heart away/And I know all the games you play/Because I play them too/Oh, but I need some time off/From that emotion/Time to pick my heart up off the floor.
I finally got my hug. Two actually. The first was a bit of a letdown, like I knew it would be. The second was better, but I wish it had lasted longer. Fuck I miss being held. I miss my friend. I miss being a girlfriend, even though I’ve often said that lately I just want to date. But really, what can I do? I’m moving in two months for four years, then coming back to Ottawa. It’s immature and irresponsible to start a relationship with anyone, knowing I’m only here for two months and I can’t see myself doing a long distance relationship very well. I need that physical comfort too badly. And in Toronto? I’m only there for 4 years, is it responsible and in everyone’s best interests to start a relationship knowing it has an expiration date? I don’t know. Of course, to have a relationship I first need to find someone who is interested in me, which is a feat and a half on its own.
It’s hard for me to know/
Sometimes I feel like letting go/
But what if it all means something/
What if it all means something?
I bet it makes you laugh/Watching me work so hard to reach you/You never gave a damn/About all of those things I did to please you/
All that you wanted, you found somewhere else/And nothing could drag you away from yourself/Do you really know me at all?/Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?/Are you ever gonna be that real to me?/
…We’re left with nothing but a shadow of a doubt.
And anyone can tell/
You think you know me well/
But you don't know me…
Oh I am just a friend/
That's all I've ever been/
Cause you don't know me…
Afraid and shy/
I let my chance go by/
The chance that you might love me too…
Oh you will never know/
The one who loves you so/
Well you don't know me.
You’ve got wits/
You’ve got looks/
You’ve got passion/
But I swear you’ve got me all wrong.
Parts of last night were fun, I had a blast dancing with my friends. Parts were just shocks to me. Looking around the room and realizing; this is it. Last night marked the end of my high school career, and I will likely never see many of those people again. I really wish I’d taken the time to get to know everyone as well as I could have. For someone with my “no regrets” philosophy, there are quite a few things that I regret in the past few months. But then again, what is Toronto really? A fresh start. A chance to choose who and what from my past I want in my life, as opposed to just having to live with it. There are a lot of people I don’t want to lose touch with. I’m not scared anymore. Now I’m just sad.
But I’m a strong person. Or at least I like to think I am. Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. I love you guys.
I get knocked down/
But I get up again/
You're never gonna keep me down.
I know it all means something.
-Este
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Friday, June 15, 2007
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Quotes
Fear is a powerful thing.
I think we're all scared. Scared of what we can do, scared of what we think we can't do, and scared to try. But Marianne Williamson said it best:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?... Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. ... It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
I don't see how anyone could not be scared shitless of all this. Almost everything will be different 4 months from now. But one thing will not be. Our friendship will be the same.
What follows is a bunch of quotes I've stumbled upon. Some are extremely relevant, others not so much. But they all made me think, and they should do the same for you.
You have brains in your head./
You have feet in your shoes./
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose./
You're on your own./
And you know what you know./
You are the guy who'll decide where to go.
~Dr. Seuss
God wisely designed the human body so that we can neither pat our own backs nor kick ourselves too easily. ~Author Unknown
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss (smart fellow)
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within. ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings
Wherever you go, go with all your heart. ~Confucius
Readjusting is a painful process, but most of us need it at one time or another. ~Arthur Christopher Benson
Leaving home in a sense involves a kind of second birth in which we give birth to ourselves. ~Robert Neelly Bellah, Habits of the Heart, 1985
I think that wherever your journey takes you, there are new gods waiting there, with divine patience - and laughter. ~Susan M. Watkins
We're all scared but we'll all make it though. We're all strong, capable people, and we'll be just fine. We'll all make new friends and keep the old, we'll adjust, and though it might be painful and difficult, we won't be doing it alone. I told you a long time ago Daydreamer, that I'll be here for you when ever you need me. I meant it, you can call me *anytime*, even at 4am just to say hi if you're feeling lonely. I promise you, we'll both get through this and come out on the other side stronger and more confident, and more secure with who we are.
For the first time in a long time today, I heard someone pray. Actually pray. It almost made me cry. For people to have so much passion and faith in something that they have no proof exists...its powerful. There's one prayer I've always stood by, despite my dislike of all things religious and godly:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
One final quote on everyone graduating and heading off our separate ways, from one of my favourite movies:
Chappy: You think its gonna be soooo easy, don't you?
Doug: No, I don't think its going to be all easy, I just meant I'm ready, that's all. You're ready, aren't you Chap?
Chappy: You ain't ready for shit boy!
...
Doug: I know what we're facing, and everyone else? I don't know what you think anymore, but they know it too. And maybe I'm not all that ready for it, but who the hell is ever ready for it? You didn't get me into this, remember? I came to you. And I can say that I'm proud to fly with you. Maybe I'm not all that ready, but I'm damn proud.
Maybe I'm not ready, maybe none of us are, but I'm so incredibly proud to be taking these steps with these people. In stepping out into the world like this, I'm flying, and there's no one else I'd rather be doing it with.
I think we're all scared. Scared of what we can do, scared of what we think we can't do, and scared to try. But Marianne Williamson said it best:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?... Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. ... It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
I don't see how anyone could not be scared shitless of all this. Almost everything will be different 4 months from now. But one thing will not be. Our friendship will be the same.
What follows is a bunch of quotes I've stumbled upon. Some are extremely relevant, others not so much. But they all made me think, and they should do the same for you.
You have brains in your head./
You have feet in your shoes./
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose./
You're on your own./
And you know what you know./
You are the guy who'll decide where to go.
~Dr. Seuss
God wisely designed the human body so that we can neither pat our own backs nor kick ourselves too easily. ~Author Unknown
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss (smart fellow)
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within. ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings
Wherever you go, go with all your heart. ~Confucius
Readjusting is a painful process, but most of us need it at one time or another. ~Arthur Christopher Benson
Leaving home in a sense involves a kind of second birth in which we give birth to ourselves. ~Robert Neelly Bellah, Habits of the Heart, 1985
I think that wherever your journey takes you, there are new gods waiting there, with divine patience - and laughter. ~Susan M. Watkins
We're all scared but we'll all make it though. We're all strong, capable people, and we'll be just fine. We'll all make new friends and keep the old, we'll adjust, and though it might be painful and difficult, we won't be doing it alone. I told you a long time ago Daydreamer, that I'll be here for you when ever you need me. I meant it, you can call me *anytime*, even at 4am just to say hi if you're feeling lonely. I promise you, we'll both get through this and come out on the other side stronger and more confident, and more secure with who we are.
For the first time in a long time today, I heard someone pray. Actually pray. It almost made me cry. For people to have so much passion and faith in something that they have no proof exists...its powerful. There's one prayer I've always stood by, despite my dislike of all things religious and godly:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
One final quote on everyone graduating and heading off our separate ways, from one of my favourite movies:
Chappy: You think its gonna be soooo easy, don't you?
Doug: No, I don't think its going to be all easy, I just meant I'm ready, that's all. You're ready, aren't you Chap?
Chappy: You ain't ready for shit boy!
...
Doug: I know what we're facing, and everyone else? I don't know what you think anymore, but they know it too. And maybe I'm not all that ready for it, but who the hell is ever ready for it? You didn't get me into this, remember? I came to you. And I can say that I'm proud to fly with you. Maybe I'm not all that ready, but I'm damn proud.
Maybe I'm not ready, maybe none of us are, but I'm so incredibly proud to be taking these steps with these people. In stepping out into the world like this, I'm flying, and there's no one else I'd rather be doing it with.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Music
I downloaded a song the other day that is a pretty perfect representation of my tattoo/what I want it to mean.
I will let you undress me/
But I warn you/
I have thorns/
Like any rose.
It goes on to say;
And you could hurt me/
With your bare hands/
You could hurt me/
With with the sharp end/
Of what you say.
Which isn't really all that relevant, but I like it anyway. I like the imagery. The song is Break Me by Jewel.
Along that line, I downloaded the song Break Me, Shake Me by Savage Garden.
So you're the kind who deals with the games in the mind/
Well you confuse me in a way that I've never known/
you confuse me in a way that I've never known.
I didn't go to school today. I got up a little late at 8 and just didn't think the effort of rushing would be worth the end result of a shitty and boring day. In hindsight it was a bad thought, considering there's only 9 days left of school and I kinda need to be there for all of them. Ah well.
I will let you undress me/
But I warn you/
I have thorns/
Like any rose.
It goes on to say;
And you could hurt me/
With your bare hands/
You could hurt me/
With with the sharp end/
Of what you say.
Which isn't really all that relevant, but I like it anyway. I like the imagery. The song is Break Me by Jewel.
Along that line, I downloaded the song Break Me, Shake Me by Savage Garden.
So you're the kind who deals with the games in the mind/
Well you confuse me in a way that I've never known/
you confuse me in a way that I've never known.
I didn't go to school today. I got up a little late at 8 and just didn't think the effort of rushing would be worth the end result of a shitty and boring day. In hindsight it was a bad thought, considering there's only 9 days left of school and I kinda need to be there for all of them. Ah well.
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Alone
Have you ever felt alone in your life? Not physically alone, but psychologically?
I'm not screaming in a room full of people,
No overused metaphors for me.
I am alone, and don't I know it.
I feel alone. Like I have nowhere to turn. Every time I start to trust someone they seem to pull away from me. I'm tired, and frustrated. I'm sick of the up and down rollercoaster of emotions. I'm starting to wonder if the end result is even worth the effort of trying.
Stability is an unstable thing. I say I want it because to me, stability means love. But there is no passion in stability and I'm not sure I could live that way. The next 4 months of my life are going to be incredibly unstable, and while I welcome the change and the renewed passion for life that it will bring; I can't do it alone. I need my friends, my relationships, and I need them to be stable while I figure all this out.
I need a hug. Some reassurance that everything will work out. I need to know that it will work out. I need to know that we'll part on good terms, and that he'll miss me too. I need that hug I've been owed since September, and I need it to be real and understanding and caring and open. I need to know he's being real with me, if only for those few minutes. I need to know I am trusted and loved, if only as a good friend. I need to know the truth, so I can leave and start fresh without the 'what ifs'. I need him and the others I care about to help me right now, because I'm falling without them. I need stability, but I long for passion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I usually snap out of moods like that pretty quickly. Not today. All day today, that's been my mood. All day I haven't been rejoicing over only having 10 days of school left. All day I've been sullen and afraid and down because I have so much work to do in those 10 days, because my entire summer is going to be working to make money for residence that I may not even need unless I get my marks up and keep my acceptance, because not a single one of my relationships (romantic or otherwise) has felt right or has been going well in the past month. I feel out of it, and I don't feel loved. I don't know if I'm being screwed with or not, by anyone. The people that used to be my confidantes, don't have time for me anymore, or don't care, or aren't interested. There's so much I want to say to everyone, but instead I'm holding my tongue, afraid of the consequences, of screwing something up. There's nobody left to comfort me. I threw away a really good thing with Kesh. And for what? To be sitting here alone?And I don't even have a clue what Kyle wants, or if I should get involved at all. I don't think he can give me what I want. I have trouble seeing his good side. I'm lowering my standards for him, and I don't want to do that. I shouldn't be afraid to say what I mean, not around him, not around anybody. But that's where I've found myself, and it'll be a long time before I find anyone that stable in Toronto.
My dad came home drunk again tonight. I must be really out of it. It took me more than 30 seconds to notice. I thought about the Oedipus complex and how much Kyle drinks.
I'm so scared. Scared to be who I am, who I want to be, even who I pretend to be. I just want to be out of this. Done with everything that's caused me pain or discomfort in the last 18 years. I don't want to be who I am, with this background. I don't even want to start fresh in Toronto. I just want it to be different. I wish everything were different.
I'm not screaming in a room full of people,
No overused metaphors for me.
I am alone, and don't I know it.
I feel alone. Like I have nowhere to turn. Every time I start to trust someone they seem to pull away from me. I'm tired, and frustrated. I'm sick of the up and down rollercoaster of emotions. I'm starting to wonder if the end result is even worth the effort of trying.
Stability is an unstable thing. I say I want it because to me, stability means love. But there is no passion in stability and I'm not sure I could live that way. The next 4 months of my life are going to be incredibly unstable, and while I welcome the change and the renewed passion for life that it will bring; I can't do it alone. I need my friends, my relationships, and I need them to be stable while I figure all this out.
I need a hug. Some reassurance that everything will work out. I need to know that it will work out. I need to know that we'll part on good terms, and that he'll miss me too. I need that hug I've been owed since September, and I need it to be real and understanding and caring and open. I need to know he's being real with me, if only for those few minutes. I need to know I am trusted and loved, if only as a good friend. I need to know the truth, so I can leave and start fresh without the 'what ifs'. I need him and the others I care about to help me right now, because I'm falling without them. I need stability, but I long for passion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I usually snap out of moods like that pretty quickly. Not today. All day today, that's been my mood. All day I haven't been rejoicing over only having 10 days of school left. All day I've been sullen and afraid and down because I have so much work to do in those 10 days, because my entire summer is going to be working to make money for residence that I may not even need unless I get my marks up and keep my acceptance, because not a single one of my relationships (romantic or otherwise) has felt right or has been going well in the past month. I feel out of it, and I don't feel loved. I don't know if I'm being screwed with or not, by anyone. The people that used to be my confidantes, don't have time for me anymore, or don't care, or aren't interested. There's so much I want to say to everyone, but instead I'm holding my tongue, afraid of the consequences, of screwing something up. There's nobody left to comfort me. I threw away a really good thing with Kesh. And for what? To be sitting here alone?And I don't even have a clue what Kyle wants, or if I should get involved at all. I don't think he can give me what I want. I have trouble seeing his good side. I'm lowering my standards for him, and I don't want to do that. I shouldn't be afraid to say what I mean, not around him, not around anybody. But that's where I've found myself, and it'll be a long time before I find anyone that stable in Toronto.
My dad came home drunk again tonight. I must be really out of it. It took me more than 30 seconds to notice. I thought about the Oedipus complex and how much Kyle drinks.
I'm so scared. Scared to be who I am, who I want to be, even who I pretend to be. I just want to be out of this. Done with everything that's caused me pain or discomfort in the last 18 years. I don't want to be who I am, with this background. I don't even want to start fresh in Toronto. I just want it to be different. I wish everything were different.
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