Alone

Have you ever felt alone in your life? Not physically alone, but psychologically?

I'm not screaming in a room full of people,
No overused metaphors for me.
I am alone, and don't I know it.

I feel alone. Like I have nowhere to turn. Every time I start to trust someone they seem to pull away from me. I'm tired, and frustrated. I'm sick of the up and down rollercoaster of emotions. I'm starting to wonder if the end result is even worth the effort of trying.

Stability is an unstable thing. I say I want it because to me, stability means love. But there is no passion in stability and I'm not sure I could live that way. The next 4 months of my life are going to be incredibly unstable, and while I welcome the change and the renewed passion for life that it will bring; I can't do it alone. I need my friends, my relationships, and I need them to be stable while I figure all this out.

I need a hug. Some reassurance that everything will work out. I need to know that it will work out. I need to know that we'll part on good terms, and that he'll miss me too. I need that hug I've been owed since September, and I need it to be real and understanding and caring and open. I need to know he's being real with me, if only for those few minutes. I need to know I am trusted and loved, if only as a good friend. I need to know the truth, so I can leave and start fresh without the 'what ifs'. I need him and the others I care about to help me right now, because I'm falling without them. I need stability, but I long for passion.

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I usually snap out of moods like that pretty quickly. Not today. All day today, that's been my mood. All day I haven't been rejoicing over only having 10 days of school left. All day I've been sullen and afraid and down because I have so much work to do in those 10 days, because my entire summer is going to be working to make money for residence that I may not even need unless I get my marks up and keep my acceptance, because not a single one of my relationships (romantic or otherwise) has felt right or has been going well in the past month. I feel out of it, and I don't feel loved. I don't know if I'm being screwed with or not, by anyone. The people that used to be my confidantes, don't have time for me anymore, or don't care, or aren't interested. There's so much I want to say to everyone, but instead I'm holding my tongue, afraid of the consequences, of screwing something up. There's nobody left to comfort me. I threw away a really good thing with Kesh. And for what? To be sitting here alone?And I don't even have a clue what Kyle wants, or if I should get involved at all. I don't think he can give me what I want. I have trouble seeing his good side. I'm lowering my standards for him, and I don't want to do that. I shouldn't be afraid to say what I mean, not around him, not around anybody. But that's where I've found myself, and it'll be a long time before I find anyone that stable in Toronto.

My dad came home drunk again tonight. I must be really out of it. It took me more than 30 seconds to notice. I thought about the Oedipus complex and how much Kyle drinks.

I'm so scared. Scared to be who I am, who I want to be, even who I pretend to be. I just want to be out of this. Done with everything that's caused me pain or discomfort in the last 18 years. I don't want to be who I am, with this background. I don't even want to start fresh in Toronto. I just want it to be different. I wish everything were different.