FUCK!!!!! Why the fuck do I always have to screw this up?!?!?! Now I'm sitting here sobbing and fuck I want to cut, and I'm so fucking sick of this. Every time I open up and let someone in he breaks my heart. Robert did it. Troy did it. Now Craig? Every guy I start to trust. Every time I think I'm safe. Fuck this! I've had enough. My new years resolution was to live life for me. Not for them. Part of living for me is not letting myself get hurt. I WON'T DO IT AGAIN. I won't let him hurt me. Not this time. Fuck, I want to hit something. I want to hit Robert, for using me like he did. I want to fucking take Troy's head off for treating me the way he did. Telling me he loved me, then telling me he didn't anymore, after I'd waited a month for him to get back from England. Then lying to me for 3 months before deciding he was going to break up with me, then having sex with me, *THEN* breaking up with me. Fucking bastard. And now Craig....all I want is for someone to care about me. Me, not my body, not what I can do for them, but for me. Is there so much wrong with me that I just can't be loved? How do I fix that? I don't want to hit Craig. I want to hug him. I want someone to tell me its ok, that they're there for me, no matter what. I just want to be loved. Why is that so hard?

Scattered Thoughts

I keep a small notebook in my school bag at all times. When I feel like writing, or have something I want to express, I flip to a random blank page in the notebook and write. Nothing that goes longer than 2 pages is in chronological order in the notebook. Often I don't write anything. But occasionally I find some kind of personal well and am able to write what I'm really feeling, freely, because no one will ever read it. If you read straight through my notebook today, cover to cover, this is what you would read:

(From a test I took in business)
I am a;
-slightly expressed introvert
-slightly expressed sensing personality
-distinctly expressed feeling personality
-slightly expressed judging personality

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(A long note between Kesh and I on the cruise, expressing my frustration over Davey's jealousy and essentially stating that we were both interested.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

March 28th/07
Maybe some people aren't meant to be in relationships. I'll think everything is fine and going well with a new guy, and I'll like him a lot, and then all of a sudden something will change. I'll find a problem with him. I like Kesh. I really do, even though he'd not my type at all. He's funny, we have a lot in common and I like being around him. The problem is he's so busy. And he's the kind of person who goes to bed really early. I don't have time for someone who doesn't have time for me. It sounds so self-centered and self-absorbed to say so, but its true. That's one of the things I have no patience for. I want a relationship with Kesh but I'm not sure it will work if he doesn't have time for me. It irritates me. He said he'd make the effort to be on msn so we could talk, and he was, but he was only online for 20 minutes. When he left he asked if he could call me tonight. I said he could but I might not be home. When he left I was angry at him. It seemed that he couldn't be bothered to change his habits to see me. If he can't be bothered then neither can I.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

March 21st/2007
There's something to be said for life's little miracles. The rising of the sun, the laugh of a child, the meeting of a friend in a crowded hallway.

For a long time, I haven't had anyone to look for in the halls. I've had crushes, sure, but no one who has looked for me as well. There was Chris, whom I looked for because we shared a dangerous secret. There was really no interest in his mind, only in what he could offer me in ways of physical companionship. There was Cory, who never cared about me. I never was able to connect with him like I wanted to. Not emotionally, or mentally, or physically. And now here I am again, walking down the halls, looking for someone I know I'm not going to see. Kesh doesn't even go to this school and I'm still looking for him.

(This is over a month old, and parts of it still hold true. I have no feelings for Kesh anymore, but I did spend all day today scanning the halls for someone.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Notes from....human growth? maybe Family Studies about play. I wanted to write something deep and meaningful about it, but I never got that far.)

-play
-even though we got hurt, we'd still do it again

Life was so much simpler when we were young.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(A poem, based on a concept I learned in Family Studies.)

April 24th/2007

Social Exchange Theory-
sounds so grand and official
so scientific,
a logical assessment of an emotional thing.
Does it not suffice to say
That I'm just not getting what I'm giving?
I need more,
Not from you,
But from him.
Social Exchange Theory,
sounds so cold and heartless,
but maybe it's simpler than saying
you're not enough?

(written about Kesh)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

April 25th, 2007

I dreamt of you last night. A deja vu of sorts. An extension of another dream. Dusk, the sun sitting low in the sky. You, sitting low in the sand. I sat next to you, close against the cold. You spoke to me then, and took my hand, and my heart rejoiced. Then I woke up, and came to school, expecting something to be different. I know what I want now. But how do I get it?

(In ancient mythology, people often believed that the gods came to them in dreams. In the books I'm reading, the main character doesn't sleep well and is troubled by dreams she can't decipher. She finally visits a dream expert of sorts, and he tells her what her dreams are trying to tell her. I just naturally assumed that my dream was telling me something.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Poem, based off of notes I took about intimacy in Family Studies)

April 26th, 2007

No one is perfect,
We are all vulnerable,
All susceptible to fear,
All ashamed to let go,
To be ourselves,
And intimate,
At the same time.
But with you-
I feel the kind of vulnerability I don't mind having-
you won't expose me.
You let me keep who I am,
and I'm not afraid to show you who that is.
So even though I'm damaged goods,
you give me the confidence
to be vulnerable.
And that is perfection.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Written on the cruise, late at night after the crazy wind. I'm thinking of putting it in the gazette as a end of the year/graduation editorial.)

March 13th, 2007

We are amused by the simplest things. This is an undeniable fact of society. What is not so evident, however, is that the simplest things in this world are often the most majestical.
I was on a cruise this past March break and I had the privledge of experiencing a truly magical moment. After midnight one night, a group of 8 close friends and I took a trip up to the ship's deck. It was pitch black and the stars contrasted beautifully with the massive expanse of night sky that was visible. The view in itself was enough to make the night unforgettable, but what truly made the midnight trek so special was another one of life's natural beauties; the wind. Standing at the top deck at the bow of the ship, the wind was so strong that one could literally jump into the wind and be pushed backwards. Somewhere in between a hundred photos and a million laughs, I came to the realization that your friends are some of the most important people you'll ever meet in your life.

(It went on with some notes)

-graduation-leaving friends behind

(and a possible conclusion)

-"So life might revolve around the simple things, but always remember that the simplest things are often the most majestic, no matter if its the love of a good friend, or simply the force of a very strong wind."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Notes about April's Gator Gazette, too boring to copy over here.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Undated, but was written today, edited slightly.)

I've never been that overly confident person. I'm not that girl who sits in the back of the class and shouts out comments. I'm not able to walk into a room and know every eye is on me. But I can walk into a classroom full of grade 9s and 10s and speak naturally to them. And I can smile and flirt with any guy who looks at me with interest. I have my own areas of confidence.
You're one of my best friends, and I want to be with you. We haven't spoken in two days and I miss you like crazy. It takes 28 days to break a habit, and I don't want to pass the next 26 feeling like I do now.
This is ridiculous. I'm not in love with you. I know I'm not. And yet this is more intense than infatuation. I don't know what you want, and at this rate, I don't even know if you want anything at all. My own areas of confidence are simple. I can manipulate situations, nudge you to make certain decisions, but only if you play the game as well. But now you're breaking the rules, and I've got nothing to go on. Give me something, anything, and I promise I'll do my best to be what you want.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Give me your heart, make it real, or else forget about it.~

~You need to realize that sometimes, its just not okay.~ -OLP

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(the rest is all doodles and drawings.)

Today, right this second.

I'm at a loss. I'm usually pretty sure of what the other person in a relationship is thinking, and the only confusion is sorting out my own thoughts and feelings. In this case the only thing I am sure about is how I feel, I don't have a clue as to the rest and I don't know where to go from here. I want to be with him, but I don't know what he wants, and I don't want to push anything that might end up costing me a good friend. I just flat out don't know what to do.

Oh what a tangled web we weave...

This is going to be very jumbled, disjointed and completely and utterly honest. If you don't think you can handle that, stop reading now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






I'm torn. I like two guys. Really like two guys. Two very different guys for very different reasons. And because of the Family Studies work thats recently been drilled into my head, I'm going to use a CAF/PMI so make this a bit clearer, if only to myself. For anyone reading whom I just lost: CAF means Consider All Factors. PMI means Plus/Minus/Interesting.

KESH

PLUS

-he makes me feel special, like I'm really important to him

-he does sweet things for me

-he makes me laugh with all the comments he makes about everything

-he's a good kisser/good at making out (there's a difference)

-no one at my school knows him/no one will start up the "omg you're dating..." thing

-i like his friends

-we have the same tastes in music and movies

-he thinks I'm smart and tough and don't take any shit from anyone

-I know he likes me and isn't going anywhere anytime soon

-I like his mom and his brothers (from what I can tell)

-he reads

-he's seen me at my best and worst (appearance wise) and likes me anyway.

MINUS

-he's always busy/doesn't have much time for me

-I barely know him

-his hands wander FAR too much for someone who doesn't know me that well

-he doesn't stop wandering when I ask him to, and i often have to hold his hands in "safe" areas

-beyond making out, he's inexperienced

-he's too goofy for my tastes and i often feel embarrassed by him around my friends

-he's pushy

-I don't feel like I can be myself around him

-I wouldn't go to him with my problems

-I feel like I'm being forced into a relationship with him

-he's not my type at all

-I don't feel comfortable with him

-I don't trust him

-I'm not very physically attracted to him.

-he's never seen me at my worst emotionally.

INTERESTING (NOT GOOD OR BAD BUT SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT)

-I'm already dating him, if not his "girlfriend"

-I don't feel that I can let myself go with him and let his hands wander, possibly because I haven't decided if I want to be his girlfriend yet.

-I met him on my trip and, lets be honest, it was a fling of opportunity, because life on the ship is so confined, you forget that there's an outside world, and I'm not sure I considered the idea of continuing the relationship after the trip when I started it.

-he asked me yesterday if I would reconsider the girlfriend thing, because he really wants to be able to call me his girlfriend.

-right from the very beginning (after the trip) I was hesitant to be his girlfriend, because I didn't want to be tied down to one guy, maybe I just don't want to be tied to him?

-he doesn't have a job.

-I already feel a bit of a power struggle.

-he calls me hot, not beautiful.

OR

CRAIG

PLUS

-I know him.

-I trust him.

-I tell him more than Kathleen, Caitlin and Heather combined, and possibly more than Beth by herself.

-he knows how I feel about a lot of things

-he knows my history, past relationships, my likes and dislikes, who I am and what my expectations for a relationship are.

-I smiled when I started writing this list.

-he understands me.

-I think I understand him (to a degree).

-he's close to my type.

-he reads.

-i respect him.

-he's (at least) an intellectual equal.

-he's a constant.

-I'm comfortable going to him with my problems, and often feel better afterwards.

MINUS

-he's a little too goofy and odd sometimes.

-we go to the same school and there would be a lot of the "omg you and ...?!"

-he *can be* an jerk.

-he *can be* insensitive.

-I really dislike one of his best friends.

-he told me he's interested, but hasn't mentioned it or shown it since (possibly because I'm already half-taken?)

-I have somewhat of an emotional and intellectual connection with him, but I'm having difficulty seeing a romantic/physical relationship with him.

-he knows I used to cut and how much ppl joking about it infuriates me, yet he's joked about it and screwed around with cutting in front of me in the past.

-he's relatively inexperienced.

-sometimes he doesn't seem to care about anything.

-I don't know *how* interested he is, or if he'll stick around.

INTERESTING

-I can't get him out of my head.

-I never got that hug I was owed, and it makes me a little sad.

-being a touchy-feely person, I want to touch him a lot, and I keep stopping myself.

-he can be as moody as me sometimes.

-when I found out about Beth's play and how she wanted me as the main character I was excited because I'd get to kiss whoever played the opposite lead. When I found out she wanted Craig for that role, it made me happy.

-I was a little sad when I heard that he had a girlfriend, but really happy for him nonetheless.

-did he give up and move on when I told him I didn't want it to be another Robert/Troy thing?

INTERESTING OVERALL

-I don't know if I like the attention more than I like either guy, and some part of me want to keep doing this so that I get the best of both worlds. But it's not fair to any of us.

-Kesh has no idea.

-I really really don't want this to turn into another Robert/Troy thing.

-Kesh kept asking me to dance (read: grind) last night and I kept telling him no, 1) because that kind of dancing has never appealed to me and 2)because I was acutely aware of Craig all night and didn't want to do anything that would hurt him. I didn't kiss him while we were there for the same reason.

-I didn't really mean to bring Kesh to the semi-formal. He kind of invited himself along, and I never told Craig I was bringing him. I knew it, and didn't tell him, and felt like such a bitch. I didn't want Craig to not come because of Kesh.

-I am very definitely not bringing Kesh to prom, regardless of whether I'm with him or not by then. I'm going with my friends/alone, and I can live with that. (/with Craig? no idea.)

-I feel very weird when I *don't* talk to Craig that night. I miss it.

I'm sure there's more but I've been writing this for the better part of an hour and can't think of anything else right now.

A song to fit the theme:

"Questions" by Jack Johnson

Questions,

I've got some questions

I want to know you

But what if I could ask you only one thing

Only this one time, what would you tell me?

Well maybe you could give me a suggestion

So I could know you, what would you tell me?

Maybe you could tell me what to ask you

Because then I'd know you, what would you tell me

Please tell me that there's time

To make this work for all intents and purposes

And what are your intentions, will you try?

Impressions, you've made impressions

They're going nowhere

They're just going to wait here if you let them

Please don't let them

I want to know you

And if they're going to haunt me

Please collect them

Please just collect them

And now I'm begging

I'm begging you to ask me just one question

One simple question

Because then you'd know me

I'll tell you that there's time

To make this work for all intents and purposes

At least for my own

What is a heart worth if it's just left all alone?

Leave it long enough and watch it turn into stone

Why must we always be untrue?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a somewhat unrelated note; I love to be touched. I crave physical contact like some people crave coffee. Touch my arm while you're talking to me and I'll respond better to you. Take my hand and I'll stay by your side. Wrap your arms tightly around my back and I'll feel incredibly safe and loved. Hold my head with your hand around the back of my neck when you kiss me and I'll melt. Kiss the spot when the nape of my neck connects to my shoulder and I'll shiver. Life is all about body language and touch. So much can be said by a simple touch. (Please note that wasn't a "dear....i want you to touch me like this" it was a list of examples.)

That being said, there's different kinds of touch. With a distinct difference in hugs and kisses. There's the friendly or obligatory hug that only lasts as long as it takes you get your arms around the person and then let go. There's the close friendly hug thats a few seconds longer, usually no longer than 3 seconds. The sympathetic hug that can turn into holding someone for a couple minutes if it comes to that. And then there's the hug that I always crave, that I can't even find a name for. The hug where no one is awkwardly sticking their ass out so as not to touch the other person. The hug where no one is counting the seconds until they can let go and not seem insulting. The hug where you can squeeze the other person as tightly as you want and it's still acceptable. The genuine hug, where both people want to be there in that moment, romantic or not. There are not enough hugs like those in the world. There should be.

As for kisses...I saw a movie tonight. In the Land of Women or somesuch title. The new one with Adam Brody. In that movie there's a couple of scenes with very unexpected kisses. Where nothing particularly interesting or important is going on and one character just grabs the other and kisses them, hard. They usually apologize afterwards, but there's so much chemistry and electricity when that happens...I find the idea of a kiss like that incredible intoxicating. There aren't enough of those in the world either.

And since I've spent about 2 hours writing this off and on, and its 1am and I have to work tomorrow, I'm going to get to bed.

Hallelujah

For whatever reason, I've felt really down today.

I've heard there was a secret chord, that David played and it pleased the lord, but you don't really care for music, do you? It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah.

There is a way to get through to everyone, even him. I thought I knew it, but maybe I don't, and it confuses me and disappoints me at the same time.

Your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you. She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah.

I like Kesh but he's so busy right now that I haven't had the chance to get to know him. I've been physically intimate with him (to a point) but I really haven't been intimate in any other sense of the word. And as much as I talk about wanting to be held and touched and kissed, a relationship without emotional or intellectual intimacy isn't a relationship to me, its a lengthy one night stand. Maybe that's what I want right now. As it stands right now, I'm giving Kesh the benefit of the doubt and hoping I'll find that intimacy with him later when he has more time. But what happens when we get there and I find out that we've been a "couple" for a month but I can't stand him? Maybe having faith in him will be my downfall?

Maybe I've been here before, I know this room, I've walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you. I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, its a cold and its a broken hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallejuah, hallelujah, hallelujah.

This whole situation seems very much to me like what happened with Robert and Troy. I didn't, and couldn't, love Robert anymore because I couldn't talk to him. Troy became my confidant. The person I told my fears and dreams and everything to. I would have rather talked to Troy than Robert. When I had a bad day it was Troy who made me feel better, and not Robert. Well Kesh is Robert, and I can't talk to him. I'm fine if we're watching a movie or doing something else, but when we're sitting there with nothing to distract us, we have absolutely nothing to talk about. I have confidants. A few of them. Some I'm closer to than others. But if this is anything like the last time I was in this situation, the people who know me best will have my heart in the end. But before its all over, most people involved will have their hearts broken.

There was a time you'd let me know, what's real and going on below, but now you never show it to me, do you? And remember when I moved in you? The holy dark was moving too, and every breath we drew was hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah.

You should know who you are. Enough said.

Maybe there's a god above, and all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you. And its not a cry you can hear at night, its not somebody who's seen the light, its a cold and its a broken hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah.

I'd had more than a few relationships so far in my life. And the one thing that has held true throughout them all is this: Love hurts. It may begin as butterflies and rainbows and children laughing, but regardless, it will end. And when it ends, it will hurt. As human beings, we forget things as we grow and live, but few things we ever forget are the heartaches.

~All I want is for one guy to prove to me that they're not all the same.~

~Love as thou wilt~

-Este

Doubts

I don't have one fucking clue what I'm doing. I need to go out dancing with my friends. To allow the music to consume me. To feel sexy. To clear my head. I really like him, even though he is a little too goofy for my tastes sometimes. But I'm afraid. Do I only like him because he likes me? Do I only want him because its been so long since I've had anybody, or do I want him because I really like him?

If it makes you happy/
It can't be that bad/
If it makes you happy/
Then why the hell are you so sad?

But with all the drama involved, does it even make me happy?