Hallelujah

For whatever reason, I've felt really down today.

I've heard there was a secret chord, that David played and it pleased the lord, but you don't really care for music, do you? It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah.

There is a way to get through to everyone, even him. I thought I knew it, but maybe I don't, and it confuses me and disappoints me at the same time.

Your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you. She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah.

I like Kesh but he's so busy right now that I haven't had the chance to get to know him. I've been physically intimate with him (to a point) but I really haven't been intimate in any other sense of the word. And as much as I talk about wanting to be held and touched and kissed, a relationship without emotional or intellectual intimacy isn't a relationship to me, its a lengthy one night stand. Maybe that's what I want right now. As it stands right now, I'm giving Kesh the benefit of the doubt and hoping I'll find that intimacy with him later when he has more time. But what happens when we get there and I find out that we've been a "couple" for a month but I can't stand him? Maybe having faith in him will be my downfall?

Maybe I've been here before, I know this room, I've walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you. I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, its a cold and its a broken hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallejuah, hallelujah, hallelujah.

This whole situation seems very much to me like what happened with Robert and Troy. I didn't, and couldn't, love Robert anymore because I couldn't talk to him. Troy became my confidant. The person I told my fears and dreams and everything to. I would have rather talked to Troy than Robert. When I had a bad day it was Troy who made me feel better, and not Robert. Well Kesh is Robert, and I can't talk to him. I'm fine if we're watching a movie or doing something else, but when we're sitting there with nothing to distract us, we have absolutely nothing to talk about. I have confidants. A few of them. Some I'm closer to than others. But if this is anything like the last time I was in this situation, the people who know me best will have my heart in the end. But before its all over, most people involved will have their hearts broken.

There was a time you'd let me know, what's real and going on below, but now you never show it to me, do you? And remember when I moved in you? The holy dark was moving too, and every breath we drew was hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah.

You should know who you are. Enough said.

Maybe there's a god above, and all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you. And its not a cry you can hear at night, its not somebody who's seen the light, its a cold and its a broken hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah.

I'd had more than a few relationships so far in my life. And the one thing that has held true throughout them all is this: Love hurts. It may begin as butterflies and rainbows and children laughing, but regardless, it will end. And when it ends, it will hurt. As human beings, we forget things as we grow and live, but few things we ever forget are the heartaches.

~All I want is for one guy to prove to me that they're not all the same.~

~Love as thou wilt~

-Este