I feel this desire to explain a lot of things about myself. Carl told me a few weeks ago while he, Thomas and I were pulling an all nighter, that I don't have to explain, that no one will think any less of me. That was before he overheard me telling Hanah I've had sex in the bushes at GHS. He said I just dropped a little lower on his coolness scale.
I spent last night hanging out with Carl. We went to McDonald's around 11 and then I hung out in his room, both of us trying to do homework until about 5am, at which point I gave up and decided I was going to sleep and would sleep through my class in the morning. It was fun. I have great conversations with him. We talked about Friday night and the long drunken game of truth or dare that we all played, and the things that were said. According to him, I'm the "it" girl of the floor. It doesn't make sense to me. If anything, it should be Sophie with all her Californian charm, but she's never around and doesn't really make an effort to hang out with the guys like I do. I love the guys on my floor. Several things came up during the game of truth or dare, including some rather interesting dares. I had my neck licked by one of the guys, kissed another girl, almost did a body shot off of another girl before someone changed their dare...I was also asked a lot of questions. The downside is that I'm already so liberal and open with the people I live with, there really wasn't much they could ask that they didn't already know. One guy (who is pretty much in love with me, as per the running joke on the floor) was dared to freestyle how he feels about me. His rap included wanting to have sex with me and ejaculate on my chest. I kid you not. I knew he liked me, I just didn't expect that. I keep telling people he's harmless, because I'm not offended or freaked out about the things that he says. He's not going to act upon anything, and if nothing else, it's a compliment. Another tidbit of info I learned from drunk people asking more drunk people questions, is that apparently I'm one of the hotter girls on the floor, as proven on the first day when Thomas asked Carl "Hey, did you see Jen?", and Carl replied with a "Yeah, *laugh* I saw her." (Had to be there when they were talking about it. It was a really fun night and I learned a fair bit about everyone and more than I wanted to know about some. Talking to Carl last night was really nice though. We always end up talking about relationships and last night he went through all the eligible (and some not) bachelors on the floor, asking me if I could see them in relationships and whether or not I would date them. I said I wouldn't date most of them, and I couldn't really see all that many of them in relationships. He mentioned asking about himself, but didn't "cause that would just be awkward" but he eventually asked if I could see him in a relationship. I can't really. He said he would be a good boyfriend, but that he doesn't want to settle. I said that no one should have to settle and he agreed. He told me I'm pretty, and a good person with a nice personality, and that I shouldn't have to settle. I don't know what I would have said if he'd asked if I could see myself with him. The truth is: I kinda can. He's a really really close friend of mine and I miss those kinds of friends so much here. Kathleen at home is good if I just want to spill my guts, and Daydreamer is great for when I want to analyze stuff, but Carl is good if I'm looking to vent and get some advice, and that's so much more useful. I tell him pretty much all of my guy troubles and confusions. He tells me I should live for today and not worry about tomorrow, and that I deserve to be treated well, and if I ever think I'm settling or being treated badly at all, then to get out of it because it's not worth it. I love talking to him. I have to admit, I was waiting all night for some kind of awkwardness or comment or something, since Friday night when I was kinda cuddled up to him for a couple hours, but nothing really came. I'm glad, I don't know how I'd have dealt with it. It's one of those things that I kind of want, but know that I shouldn't want.
He asks me why I'm so guarded all the time. He knows I don't trust guys, as do lots of people, but he's the only one who has tried to figure out why. The only one who has made an effort, and I like that. If you want me, even just as a friend, you need to make some kind of effort. When Carl talks to me, he's really listening, and he remembers all these things that I don't even remember saying. He seems to be more interested in my mind than my body, and that means a hell of a lot. I tell him a lot of stuff about Declan, and my sketchy guy, and he attempts to decipher the male behaviour for me. I tell him about what I'm worried about, and let all my insecurities bleed through.

I could say more about the things going on in my life, concerns and exciting things and all sorts, but I don't really have the time or the effort at the moment, and this is already long enough.

All comments welcome.

-Este

Beautiful Letdown

When people talk about being homesick, it isn't usually after coming home from a month long trip to another city. It sounds absurd, but thats what this is. I'm homesick for Toronto. The people there seem more like family to me now than my real family does. And Kathleen? Kathleen is like family too, but she let me down tonight. I should have known this weekend would be a letdown. From the moment I woke up on Friday it all felt wrong. I woke up late and ended up not going to my class. It ended up being a good thing because I hadn't quite finished packing anyway. I left my rez at the same time as I would have left my class, and I was just pulling up to the bus station in a cab when Sophie called me to say that everyone I was supposed to bus with was already on the bus and there were no seats left so they were leaving without me. Considering I was the one who figured out the bus schedule, told them where, when and how much the tickets would be, and pretty much organized everything, to say I was pissed would be a pretty big understatement. None of them had any reason to be in Toronto on Friday, if they were planning on leaving without me anyway, why didn't they just leave Thursday night?
I spent a few minutes brooding over that and the imminent 5.5 hour bus ride I know had to face by myself, before I relaxed and got over it. It ended up being not so bad, I met a nice guy named Adam who will likely show up as a facebook friend in the next few days. We played chess on his laptop. I lost, painfully, but only because his laptop is weird and messed up my opening. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. He's from Texas (no accent, sadly. I guess not every guy can be that alluring) and has a lip ring (guh!) but I really could not tell if I was getting a gay vibe from him or not. He didn't hit on me, we just talked. No idea. Guess I'll find out.

Anyways, I got home and everything was ok at first. It was just my mom and I for a little while. We went to Casey's to surprise Kathleen at work and her face just lit up when she saw me and she gave me a massive hug. It made me feel so good.

The best thing about Toronto I think, is that I can always be by myself if I feel like it. Here though, thats not the case. Its frustrating, being around people all the time, and my parents feel this constant need to touch me and bother me. Its slowly annoying me to death. Every time they do it I have to bite my lip to keep from snapping at them. Sitting at home last night, my brother was argueing with his girlfriend, and my mom was argueing with my dad, and I was just sitting there thinking "This is what I came home for?" I thought I left all that behind. Some things never change.

I went clubbing with Kat and Sami tonight. I thought it would be so much fun, and for awhile it was. But then Kathleen's infectious aura wore off, as did my drinks, and I just wanted to go home. Kat had all this drama going on, and I just didn't want to be a part of any of it. I thought I was going out to spend time with my best friend who has been excited for weeks for me to come home. Instead I spent most of it dancing with random guys and sitting by myself, while she danced drunk on the stage. I was bored, tired and fed up, and just wanted to go home. And admittedly, I had wanted to go and dance with a bunch of hot guys. I wanted Sophie and everyone to come so they could see me dancing, and then report back to the Chestnut folks that I'm not as much of a one-guy girl that certain people seem to think I am. But they didn't come, and the slight back-up plan that involved me bringing my camera only resulted in a bunch of photos of me and Kat. My buzz died long before the night did, and it wasn't nearly as fun when you're trying to keep your trashed best friend from falling down and her somewhat/maybe/ equally drunk boyfriend from driving the 3 of you home. In the end, I let him drive, seeing that Kat wouldn't leave him there and he wouldn't leave his car. It was a shitty night, helped along with a few more incidents that quite frankly I'm just too tired to explain at the moment, and I wanted to cry the entire way home. It was pretty bad. I managed to hold back until I was on the way to my front door, with my back to Kathleen, but that was the most I could do. I hadn't cried since my parents dropped me off on the first day. The entire weekend so far has just made me feel like I'm back in high school, a feeling that I cannot stand. Its all "where are you going, when are you coming back?" constant people and questions and I haven't had a moment's peace yet. There's so much more I wanted to say, particularly about relationships, and a response to Daydream Believer's last comment, but its 4am and I need to get up early tomorrow. I just want to be back home, in Toronto, where I belong, with people I'm comfortable with. A small consolation to all this: I finally got my hair cut (I love it!), dropped off my availability for work over Christmas, and got a capo for my guitar. The last means that I can start learning a couple of songs I've been thinking of all night. And although they now have a different meaning and feel to me than they did say...a month ago, they're good and relaxing songs, the kind that calms me down when I'm stressed.

Do you remember....

Cause maybe...you're gonna be the one that saves me...

More later if I feel like it.

-Este

Updates

I had a few thoughts floating around in my head, but now that I'm sitting down to write this, they all seem so insecure, and that's no longer the kind of person I want to be. (was it ever?) I was thinking about my weight, and how I think I've lost some, and wondering if its due to some lingering self-destructive tendency, or if my mom will see it that way, or even notice. I was wondering about my skin, my hair, my clothes, my beauty in general. I was wondering was people see when they look at me. If people think I'm pretty or not. I've had plenty of people tell me I'm hot, or beautiful, but those people are generally either family, guys I'm dating or whom I know are interested in me, or guys who are just looking to get laid. I don't think I'm beautiful. Sometimes I feel gorgeous, but sometimes I feel ugly as sin. I wondered if people like me more upon seeing me or after talking to me. I was wondering if its my looks or my personality that draws people to me, and which one pushes them away. I knew getting my belly button pierced would cause some people to look at me differently. Carl was one I didn't expect. He's a great guy and I love talking to him because he's always got one story or another, and I know he loves my piercing. According to him, navel piercings are only lower on the hotness scale to lower back tattoos and tongue piercings. The more I talk to him, the more he learns about me, and if he's not laughing at the stupid things I've done, he's agreeing with me. I can safely say I'm not interested, but its sooooooo nice to have a guy friend here. He reminds me of Kyle back home, only without the sexual tension. I'm still waiting to see what my dad and brother will say about my piercing. I'm willing to bet they won't be too happy.
I'm starting to think seriously about studying abroad for a year, or maybe just a semester. I haven't yet decided if I really want to do it or not. It would be an amazing opportunity, and I love to travel, but I don't know how well I'd do over there. Or where I'd go, for that matter. I'm thinking Australia or New Zealand perhaps.
Sophie and I had our first real roommate bonding moment a couple weeks ago. I'd had a disappointing msn conversation and was pretty bummed about it. We just sat and talked for about 2 hours, sharing relationship stories, good and bad, and talking about our flaws. We came to a conclusion that is pretty damn accurate for me. I open up too soon. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it's constantly flinging itself out there for anyone to take. I did not trust guys for a very very long time. I passed up a lot of great opportunites after Troy, that I didn't take because I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to allow myself to be hurt. I'm still not. Nobody wants to be hurt, I just want someone to care about me, even just a little bit. ...and of course sex wouldn't hurt either. :P
In all honesty, Carl laughs at me because I go from guy to guy so quickly. Its not that I'm a slut, or want to sleep around, its that I'm looking for someone, someone who is looking for me. Maybe I'll find him, maybe I won't, maybe I already have. We'll see where life takes me.

Sorry for all the topic-jumping, its 4am and my thoughts have been jumping around all day as it is. Comments welcome.