Beautiful Letdown

When people talk about being homesick, it isn't usually after coming home from a month long trip to another city. It sounds absurd, but thats what this is. I'm homesick for Toronto. The people there seem more like family to me now than my real family does. And Kathleen? Kathleen is like family too, but she let me down tonight. I should have known this weekend would be a letdown. From the moment I woke up on Friday it all felt wrong. I woke up late and ended up not going to my class. It ended up being a good thing because I hadn't quite finished packing anyway. I left my rez at the same time as I would have left my class, and I was just pulling up to the bus station in a cab when Sophie called me to say that everyone I was supposed to bus with was already on the bus and there were no seats left so they were leaving without me. Considering I was the one who figured out the bus schedule, told them where, when and how much the tickets would be, and pretty much organized everything, to say I was pissed would be a pretty big understatement. None of them had any reason to be in Toronto on Friday, if they were planning on leaving without me anyway, why didn't they just leave Thursday night?
I spent a few minutes brooding over that and the imminent 5.5 hour bus ride I know had to face by myself, before I relaxed and got over it. It ended up being not so bad, I met a nice guy named Adam who will likely show up as a facebook friend in the next few days. We played chess on his laptop. I lost, painfully, but only because his laptop is weird and messed up my opening. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. He's from Texas (no accent, sadly. I guess not every guy can be that alluring) and has a lip ring (guh!) but I really could not tell if I was getting a gay vibe from him or not. He didn't hit on me, we just talked. No idea. Guess I'll find out.

Anyways, I got home and everything was ok at first. It was just my mom and I for a little while. We went to Casey's to surprise Kathleen at work and her face just lit up when she saw me and she gave me a massive hug. It made me feel so good.

The best thing about Toronto I think, is that I can always be by myself if I feel like it. Here though, thats not the case. Its frustrating, being around people all the time, and my parents feel this constant need to touch me and bother me. Its slowly annoying me to death. Every time they do it I have to bite my lip to keep from snapping at them. Sitting at home last night, my brother was argueing with his girlfriend, and my mom was argueing with my dad, and I was just sitting there thinking "This is what I came home for?" I thought I left all that behind. Some things never change.

I went clubbing with Kat and Sami tonight. I thought it would be so much fun, and for awhile it was. But then Kathleen's infectious aura wore off, as did my drinks, and I just wanted to go home. Kat had all this drama going on, and I just didn't want to be a part of any of it. I thought I was going out to spend time with my best friend who has been excited for weeks for me to come home. Instead I spent most of it dancing with random guys and sitting by myself, while she danced drunk on the stage. I was bored, tired and fed up, and just wanted to go home. And admittedly, I had wanted to go and dance with a bunch of hot guys. I wanted Sophie and everyone to come so they could see me dancing, and then report back to the Chestnut folks that I'm not as much of a one-guy girl that certain people seem to think I am. But they didn't come, and the slight back-up plan that involved me bringing my camera only resulted in a bunch of photos of me and Kat. My buzz died long before the night did, and it wasn't nearly as fun when you're trying to keep your trashed best friend from falling down and her somewhat/maybe/ equally drunk boyfriend from driving the 3 of you home. In the end, I let him drive, seeing that Kat wouldn't leave him there and he wouldn't leave his car. It was a shitty night, helped along with a few more incidents that quite frankly I'm just too tired to explain at the moment, and I wanted to cry the entire way home. It was pretty bad. I managed to hold back until I was on the way to my front door, with my back to Kathleen, but that was the most I could do. I hadn't cried since my parents dropped me off on the first day. The entire weekend so far has just made me feel like I'm back in high school, a feeling that I cannot stand. Its all "where are you going, when are you coming back?" constant people and questions and I haven't had a moment's peace yet. There's so much more I wanted to say, particularly about relationships, and a response to Daydream Believer's last comment, but its 4am and I need to get up early tomorrow. I just want to be back home, in Toronto, where I belong, with people I'm comfortable with. A small consolation to all this: I finally got my hair cut (I love it!), dropped off my availability for work over Christmas, and got a capo for my guitar. The last means that I can start learning a couple of songs I've been thinking of all night. And although they now have a different meaning and feel to me than they did say...a month ago, they're good and relaxing songs, the kind that calms me down when I'm stressed.

Do you remember....

Cause maybe...you're gonna be the one that saves me...

More later if I feel like it.

-Este