Parties and Hotness

Sophie, Hanah and I (plus a few of the guys) went to the Stoplight party on Thursday. It sucked at first as there was a definite lack of hotness, but it picked up as the night went on. Sophie danced with a couple guys and I was happy for her, she's been so down lately that I really wanted her to get out and have some fun. She looked gorgeous in this backless halter and she was getting checked out all night. My shirt got me a few looks, but not as many as I'd have liked. It showed my tattoo and a big swatch of my bare back, I loved it. I had sorta been flirting with Yaroslav all week leading up to that, and he'd made a point to ask if I was going to be at the party. He asked me to dance a few times but I turned him down repeatedly. It wasn't that I didn't want to dance with him, I just didn't really want to do it there. Had we danced it would have opened up that whole middle school-esque "Ohmigod! You and Yaroslav!?!" and I really just wanted the night to be fun and simple without any of that. He ended up leaving early, and I ended up dancing with a couple of guys after that. I felt so guilty though, especially since of course it was brought up right in front of him the next night during a drinking party and everyone wanted to know why. I never did give anyone a good explanation.

I definitely have a renewed obsession with hot guys after Declan. I know a former co-worker who is supposed to be in Toronto this coming weekend and with all the sexual tension that has *always* existed between us, I would not be surprised in the slightest if something should happen. Actually, I invite it. I can easily say with no trace of embarrassment, since I first started working with this guy I've wanted to sleep with him. And based on the things he's said to me, while we worked together and afterwards, I'm sure he wouldn't have any objections. The only thing I'm worried about is my body and how it has the worst timing in the world, I'm due that Thursday. But whatever, we'll see.

On that same note: Yaroslav = yummy. I've been talking to him a lot over the past couple weeks. He's one of the few people I can have a philosophical conversation with and come out of it feeling like I've worked out my brain and changed the way I think about something. I really enjoy it. I've missed intellectual conversations here, as bad as that sounds. I usually end up pulling all nighters with Yaroslav and Thomas, and we have the most open and interesting conversations at times like 6am. Like last night/ this morning. The conversation went like this:

-Porn ---> the differences between men and women with respect to porn ---> porn in literature---->these books I have (Kushiel series) ---->a question about how much I relate to the protagonist in the books (a high class hooker).

And then mostly ignoring Thomas, Yaroslav and I had this conversation about what we like in bed. I told him I enjoy a little bit of force, and he asked how much, and I ended up showing him what I meant. I had him stand about a foot away from the wall and shoved him up against it, arms above his head. I'm pretty sure he enjoyed it lol. He commented on it, saying that it was just hard enough that it would get him going, but just weak enough that in about two seconds it would have been me pinned up against that wall. I have not been able to get that image out of my head since then. I have two words for it: DAMN SEXY. That kind of reaction is exactly what I like and its been impossible to find a guy who gets that. Also, he wears Joop, the same cologne that Robert used to wear, so I'm already hooked on the smell of him. And he has an accent (what is it with me and foreign guys?? I'm such a sucker for them.) The major problem: he has a girlfriend back home. Its very long distance, but he seems to care about her very much and has very clear ideas about love and fidelity. I don't know what to do. I'm sooo attracted to this guy and he does flirt with me (I've had other people tell me they notice it too), but he's taken... I told him something yesterday though, in a different context I told him that people are only seduced if they want to be seduced, and he looked at me as if I was on to something. Maybe I was.


-Este

cut

I'd like the preface this by saying that I didn't set out with the intention of looking up info or videos on cutting tonight, it just kinda happened. That being said, I'm glad it happened.

I was watching videos on youtube when I followed a link to another video that ended up being about cutting. It was a great informative video for anyone who doesn't really know what cutting is about, but it also had some very graphic photos. In one scene it said something about how some cuts may be shallow (and showed pictures), and I recognized that thats where I stand on the spectrum. Then it said that some cuts may be deeper, and deeper still, and showed photo examples of each. I'm not really a squeamish person, I clean up blood and vomit for a living, I'm not disturbed by gory movies, but one thing that I am really squeamish about is cutting, go figure. I actually had to look away. It made me realize that I'm not as bad as I could get, and that I really don't want to get that bad. It made me want to stop, instead of making me want to cut like I was worried about when I saw the "trigger warning" label on the video. I watched another couple videos, one with the song Cut by Plumb in it. I looked up the lyrics afterwards with the intention of posting it here, but really theres only a couple lines that I really like from it.

I may seem crazy

Or painfully shy

And these scars wouldn't be so hidden

If you would just look me in the eye

I feel alone here and cold here

Though I don't want to die

But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid

I do not want to die inside just to breathe in

I'm tired of feeling so numb

Relief exists I find it when

I am cut

Pain

I am not alone

I am not alone

In the video that was informative, there were also some good points, something that I think a lot of people do not understand at all. I don't remember the specific wording, but it went something like this:

When you cut, your body releases natural horomones called endorphins, which gives you a happy feeling buzz. When done often, cutting can become addictive, because you become addicted to the happy feeling. It is a physical, psychological and emotional addiction, like drugs or alcohol.

Lastly, I watched this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QK_6EzRijo&NR=1

It's long, about 20 minutes, but it is so good. Its just a girl talking, akin to an online journal, but she makes a lot of very very good points, and she's pretty to boot. Her video is about a boy that she knows and how he self-injures and was called out about it at a party in front of everyone, and her reaction to it. I know its long and no one really wants to sit through it, but she talks about a lot of the things I'm thinking and feeling. I'd really really recommend watching it if you want to understand at all. That goes for anyone reading this. If you want to know how its relevant to me, pay special attention to the parts about how friends react, preaching, how the world sees it, how it makes people who do self-injure react when they're called out about it, SI vs suicide and pretty much the entire last 5 minutes when she starts to become angry.

If after watching it you decide you're just never going to talk to me about it again, rethink it. I am more than happy to sit down with any of you and have a conversation about why I do it and what it means to me, but know that threatening me and simply telling me I have to get help, it doesn't work. I will be perfectly happy to talk until you become irrational or panicky.

Along those lines, the Theraputic Communication center still hasn't called me back, and this desire of mine to get help is fading quickly. That's not to say I want to cut, it just means I don't exactly fancy the idea of dredging up memories and feelings that are just starting to settle again. The water is pretty clear now after this past weekend, no sense in making it murky again.

Please, watch the video, preferably alone. I want so much for you to understand.

-Este

Tonight marked my transition from "maybe I should think about getting some help" to "I need help". I guess I'm wearing long sleeves tomorrow, no need to worry my TA. In a few minutes it'll start to sting, and I'll start to regret. But right now the burning is enough to make me stop. Right now I am mostly calm. Right now I don't want to bleed, just block it out. Right now I don't want to slam my wrist against the wall. Right now I am almost okay. Almost.

Regrets?

Well if I didn't bloody want to cut before, I sure as hell do now. I have so many thoughts spinning around in my head that I don't know how to separate them into coherent sentences. At first it was endearing, he cared enough to be upset. Then it was frustrating. And now I'm just pissed off. It's my fucking life. My skin, my arms, my scars. Where the hell does he get off being so high and mighty about it? I can't help but wonder if he's read the rest of my blog. If he knows how bad I can get. Because lets face it, I know me, and I was okay until all of this got dragged up again. It was one day, one moment of weakness and it didn't help at all and I knew that. I knew that and I wasn't going to do it again. But again, I know my history with this better than anyone else, and talking about it, and thinking about it, its only going to make me want to do it again. Just like the alcohol awareness seminar the other night making everyone want to go out and get drunk. Now it's in the forefront of my brain and I'm all alone for a week to dwell on it. Alone to dwell and alone to act. I don't fucking want to get sucked into all this again, I thought I was done with it after Robert. The last time someone tried to get me to quit, to talk to someone about it, my guidance counsellor threatened to have me hospitalized and I almost ended up with a restraining order against Robert. And guess what? I got worse. Cutters who are faced with ultimatems don't quit, they just find better ways to hide it. I became so bitter about Robert trying to get me to quit, that I ended the relationship. To this day I still dispise him. When I talked to my guidance counsellor, I didn't just tell him about the cutting. I told him about moving in with Robert, my dad's drinking, my mom's overbearingness...everything that drove me to cut in the first place. He was always repeating himself, always trying to give advice, when all I really wanted was someone to listen. When I got to the part about Robert's (then) recent behaviour, the things he said and did, the way he terrified me when he grabbed me and shoved me onto the bed that one time, he started talking about getting the police to pay Robert a visit. In a way I am glad that I talked to my guidance counsellor, even though I was always angry with him for making me be there when I didn't want to be. Maybe cutting is like a fever, and it has to get worse before it gets better. I thought I was better. No, I can't even say that. I'm like a smoker. I can say I'm quitting and not have a cigarette for awhile, but really until I can talk about it and see it and think about it without wanting it, I haven't completely quit.

New Beginnings
As much as I dislike all things medical and professional as they relate to my psychological state, I did what I promised I'd do. Or at the very least, I took the first step. There's a poster up next to the elevators in my building advertising Theraputic Communication. I think it has something to do with training new psychologists, because it says something about "supervised by professionals". They're looking for people to come in and talk about whatever issues they have. I always knew it was something I should do anyways, as marked by the fact that i pulled the number for it off of the poster 2 weeks ago. I guess I do know whats best for me, I just need to have someone shove it in my face for me to accept it. I called the number yesterday. I got a voice recording telling me to leave my name and number and whether or not I give them permission to leave a message on my answering machine. They said they'd be starting within the next month, but I really don't want to wait that long. If this is something I'm willing to do now I've got to do it now while I'm still willing. I thought about going to the counselling clinic or whatever it is thats in the same building as the book store today, but I chickened out, reasoning that if I've already signed up for this other thing I don't know if it would be detrimental to start talking to someone else. That and I was wearing make-up and history has proven to me that if I go and talk to someone about what I'm feeling, that eyeliner and mascara will be down to my chin in no time. I haven't cried often since I've been in Toronto, except for the past few days. I sometimes feel that a good cry and a solid hug would make everything better, but I haven't been able to let myself sink that low yet. Not to mention that solid hug would be pretty hard to come across right now. When I was really bad before, I couldn't cry. I couldn't write either, which isn't so much of a problem for me right now. I'm full of things to write about, but not really able to formulate anything worthwhile. I don't eat either if I'm trying to quit cutting. There was a time in my life that I would starve myself to keep myself from cutting. Substituting one self-injury for another I guess. I haven't cut in a few days, and I'm eating well, thats how I know I'm not hooked again.

Hell hath no fury...
But of course, the cutting is only one part of this. I wouldn't even be thinking about going to get help if it weren't for a guy. How fitting. I keep getting asked by my friends "Do you really like this guy?" because they keep seeing me hurting and trying my damndest to make it work. I keep telling them "Yes, I really do like this guy." Its not a lie. I'm happy when I'm with him, and its not just happiness of being with someone at all. I don't want to guilt him into staying in whatever relationship limbo we've been in recently. I'm not going to tell him that if he ends it I'll start cutting again. Because really, who wants someone who is only there because they have to be? I don't. He says he can't deal with someone as negative as me. That really pisses me off. I am no different now than I was a week ago, and a week ago he still wanted me. At the same time, he gave me a few different lines which I knew perfectly well were attempts to end it and I argued them. After a point I realized, if he's already made up his mind then none of this matters and I gave him a very clear chance to end it. He said I need to figure some things out and that he can't see me until I have. He asked if I was going to get help and I (very grudgingly) agreed. I don't quite know where this leaves us, but I'm betting it isn't good. I don't like the fact that even if I go through with this and get help, I may very well not get anything back. On the other hand, do I even want to be with someone who freaks out when I try to share something with them? This whole thing smacks of being just an excuse to break it off. If that's what it is and there's no chance of anything working out, I'd rather it just be ended now so I can deal with the aftermath of that while I deal with everything else that's wrong in my life, instead of getting back on track just to be hit with another low blow. There's only so much I can take.

~Don't do me any favors

matter of fact why don't you

do yourself a few

your presence ain't nobody's blessing

I've got plenty of other things

I could do

no, not another excuse

your tired silly games

for me are just no use

and now it's plain for me to see

you're with somebody

that you don't want to be

so won't you

please please me like you want to

not like you have to

or won't you just go on and leave me

leaving me is the least that you could do

you could have spared me

so much misery

and told me you just wanted

a friend

believe me there is a difference

when you mean it

and when you pretend

or was I just your habit

cause I know a habit

is a hard thing to break

but won't you spare me

a little mercy

there's only so much

so much that I can take

so won't you

please please me like you want to

not like you have to

or won't you just go on and leave me

leaving me is the least that you could do~

I even told my mom about the whole argument and what it was about. I've done everything within my power to not talk about cutting with her, and here I am willingly bringing it up. That's got to count for something.

What worries me a little is that Sophie is gone this week, until Monday at least. I'm not worried that I'm going to cut again, I'm not that stupid. But this has got to be the worst timing ever. I was so looking forward to taking advantage of not having a roommate. I wasn't even thinking about anything sexual, just having someone to share a bed with, to be held by. A hug does wonders. And now, at a time when I need to be held the most, when I most need to be in the company of someone who cares about me, even just a little bit, now is when I'm left by myself for a week. I just know I'm going to be dwelling on this all week, and in all honesty, I just don't want to be alone. There's one person who could make me feel better instantly, whom I just want to sit down with and explain everything to, and he's not talking to me.

~~~Where are we?

What the hell is going on?

The dust has only just begun to form,

Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.

Spin me round again and rub my eyes.

This can't be happening.

When busy streets a mess with people

would stop to hold their heads heavy.

.....

Hide and seek.

Trains and sewing machines.

(Oh, you won't catch me around here)

Blood and tears,

They were here first.

Mmm, what you say?

Mm, that you only meant well?

Well, of course you did.

Mmm, what you say?

Mm, that it's all for the best?

Ah of course it is.

Mmm, what you say?

Mm, that it's just what we need?

And you decided this.

Mmm what you say?

What did she say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.

Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.

Speak no feeling, no I dont believe you.

You don't care a bit.

don't care a bit.~~

Oh Johnny Cash...

~The needle tears a hole,

The old familiar sting,

Try to kill it all away,

But I remember everything.~

I did it. And I knew exactly what I was doing. I even had the foresight to lock the door in case Sophie came back early. And yes, it hurt, but at the same time it felt so good. I've been wanting to for a couple weeks now. And I know I shouldn't have done it, but really, what's the harm? I'm not going all kamikaze on myself, just a little bit here and there. Its barely visible. As long as everything has faded by the time I go home for Christmas I'll be fine. Otherwise my parents might lock me up. Actually they may well try to stop me from coming back. They already think I'm not doing well here, knowing I've fallen back into my self-destructive tendencies might be the deciding factor. I feel doubly guilty about it since my mom gave me the pocket knife I did it with.

~I need a burning stake

I need a piercing dart

I need something as hot as it is sharp

And I need to bleed

I need to burn

I need a sure thing

And you are a mystery to me~

Nice segue eh? So I'm starting to notice a pattern here. He's all over me at night, in the evening, and if I stay overnight he's all over me at night too. He's affectionate, sweet and boyfriend-y. Then the next morning, nothing. No touching, no hugs, barely paying attention to me. Especially if I go for breakfast with him. Its like he doesn't want people to know I'm "with" him. I don't expect constant attention, far from it, but a little bit of attention or affection goes a long way with me. I'm not a booty-call kind of person. You can't just have me at night and then expect me to disappear or act like nothing has happened in the morning. It doesn't work that way. But if I say something I run the risk of bringing about that whole not wanting a serious relationship if its got an expiry date thing, and I'd rather have what I have now and not be completely satisfied than not have anything at all. I don't know why but the past few days have seemed better. I've had more fun. This afternoon though...I'll admit it, I'm a jealous person, and if he paid attention I'd give him a lot to be jealous about, but he doesn't seem to pay enough attention to notice stuff like that. But I notice and when I see him flirting I don't like it. It doesn't matter that we're not technically an item, I still don't like it. Especially when I'm getting asked if we're officially anything on a regular basis and don't really know what to say. Argh!

Also:

Typical

Hardly the type I fall for

I like when the physical

Don't leave me asking for more

I'm a sexy mama (mama)

Who knows just how to get what I wanna (wanna)

What I want to do is spring this on you (on you)

Back up all of the things that I told you (told you)

You've been saying all the right things all night long

But I can't seem to get you over here to help take this off

Baby, can't you see? (see)

How these clothes are fitting on me (me)

And the heat coming from this beat (beat)

I'm about to blow

I don't think you know

I'm telling you loosen up my buttons baby (Uh huh)

But you keep fronting (Uh)

Saying what you going do to me (Uh huh)

But I ain't seen nothing (Uh)

I'm telling you loosen up my buttons baby (Uh huh)

But you keep fronting (Uh)

Saying what you going do to me (Uh huh)

But I ain't seen nothing (Uh)

You say you're a big boy

But I can't agree'

Cause the love you said you had

Ain't been put on me

I wonder (wonder)

If I'm just too much for you

Wonder (wonder)

If my kiss don't make you just

Wonder (wonder)

What I got next for you

What you want to do? (do)

Take a chance to recognize that this could be yours

I can see, just like most guys that your game don't please

Baby, can't you see? (see)

How these clothes are fitting on me (me)

And the heat coming from this beat (beat)

I'm about to blow

I don't think you know

I'm telling you loosen up my buttons baby (Uh huh)

But you keep fronting (Uh)

Saying what you going do to me (Uh huh)

But I ain't seen nothing (Uh)

~And I don't know if I've ever been really loved

By a hand that's touched me,

well I feel like something's gonna give

And I'm a little bit angry,

...

I wanna push you around,

I will, I will

I wanna push you down,

I will, I will

I wanna take you for granted,

I wanna take you for granted

I will

She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me

Like I'm a little untrusting

when I think that the truth is gonna hurt ya

And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me

You couldn't stand to be near me

When my face don't seem to want to shine

Cuz it's a little bit dirty well

Don't just stand there,

say nice things to me

I've been cheated I've been wronged,

and you

You don't know me,

I can't change

I won't do anything at all.~

That's one of my favourite songs when I'm feeling a little down or confused. It just feels so true. When I've be wronged I am angry, and I do want to push, and I do wonder if I've ever been loved. Also, the song All The Same by Sick Puppies. I'd strongly recommend watching the Free Hugs video on youtube. Every time I hear that song now, after seeing the video, it makes me feel all gooey inside. It's a good feeling.

-Este

I feel this desire to explain a lot of things about myself. Carl told me a few weeks ago while he, Thomas and I were pulling an all nighter, that I don't have to explain, that no one will think any less of me. That was before he overheard me telling Hanah I've had sex in the bushes at GHS. He said I just dropped a little lower on his coolness scale.
I spent last night hanging out with Carl. We went to McDonald's around 11 and then I hung out in his room, both of us trying to do homework until about 5am, at which point I gave up and decided I was going to sleep and would sleep through my class in the morning. It was fun. I have great conversations with him. We talked about Friday night and the long drunken game of truth or dare that we all played, and the things that were said. According to him, I'm the "it" girl of the floor. It doesn't make sense to me. If anything, it should be Sophie with all her Californian charm, but she's never around and doesn't really make an effort to hang out with the guys like I do. I love the guys on my floor. Several things came up during the game of truth or dare, including some rather interesting dares. I had my neck licked by one of the guys, kissed another girl, almost did a body shot off of another girl before someone changed their dare...I was also asked a lot of questions. The downside is that I'm already so liberal and open with the people I live with, there really wasn't much they could ask that they didn't already know. One guy (who is pretty much in love with me, as per the running joke on the floor) was dared to freestyle how he feels about me. His rap included wanting to have sex with me and ejaculate on my chest. I kid you not. I knew he liked me, I just didn't expect that. I keep telling people he's harmless, because I'm not offended or freaked out about the things that he says. He's not going to act upon anything, and if nothing else, it's a compliment. Another tidbit of info I learned from drunk people asking more drunk people questions, is that apparently I'm one of the hotter girls on the floor, as proven on the first day when Thomas asked Carl "Hey, did you see Jen?", and Carl replied with a "Yeah, *laugh* I saw her." (Had to be there when they were talking about it. It was a really fun night and I learned a fair bit about everyone and more than I wanted to know about some. Talking to Carl last night was really nice though. We always end up talking about relationships and last night he went through all the eligible (and some not) bachelors on the floor, asking me if I could see them in relationships and whether or not I would date them. I said I wouldn't date most of them, and I couldn't really see all that many of them in relationships. He mentioned asking about himself, but didn't "cause that would just be awkward" but he eventually asked if I could see him in a relationship. I can't really. He said he would be a good boyfriend, but that he doesn't want to settle. I said that no one should have to settle and he agreed. He told me I'm pretty, and a good person with a nice personality, and that I shouldn't have to settle. I don't know what I would have said if he'd asked if I could see myself with him. The truth is: I kinda can. He's a really really close friend of mine and I miss those kinds of friends so much here. Kathleen at home is good if I just want to spill my guts, and Daydreamer is great for when I want to analyze stuff, but Carl is good if I'm looking to vent and get some advice, and that's so much more useful. I tell him pretty much all of my guy troubles and confusions. He tells me I should live for today and not worry about tomorrow, and that I deserve to be treated well, and if I ever think I'm settling or being treated badly at all, then to get out of it because it's not worth it. I love talking to him. I have to admit, I was waiting all night for some kind of awkwardness or comment or something, since Friday night when I was kinda cuddled up to him for a couple hours, but nothing really came. I'm glad, I don't know how I'd have dealt with it. It's one of those things that I kind of want, but know that I shouldn't want.
He asks me why I'm so guarded all the time. He knows I don't trust guys, as do lots of people, but he's the only one who has tried to figure out why. The only one who has made an effort, and I like that. If you want me, even just as a friend, you need to make some kind of effort. When Carl talks to me, he's really listening, and he remembers all these things that I don't even remember saying. He seems to be more interested in my mind than my body, and that means a hell of a lot. I tell him a lot of stuff about Declan, and my sketchy guy, and he attempts to decipher the male behaviour for me. I tell him about what I'm worried about, and let all my insecurities bleed through.

I could say more about the things going on in my life, concerns and exciting things and all sorts, but I don't really have the time or the effort at the moment, and this is already long enough.

All comments welcome.

-Este

Beautiful Letdown

When people talk about being homesick, it isn't usually after coming home from a month long trip to another city. It sounds absurd, but thats what this is. I'm homesick for Toronto. The people there seem more like family to me now than my real family does. And Kathleen? Kathleen is like family too, but she let me down tonight. I should have known this weekend would be a letdown. From the moment I woke up on Friday it all felt wrong. I woke up late and ended up not going to my class. It ended up being a good thing because I hadn't quite finished packing anyway. I left my rez at the same time as I would have left my class, and I was just pulling up to the bus station in a cab when Sophie called me to say that everyone I was supposed to bus with was already on the bus and there were no seats left so they were leaving without me. Considering I was the one who figured out the bus schedule, told them where, when and how much the tickets would be, and pretty much organized everything, to say I was pissed would be a pretty big understatement. None of them had any reason to be in Toronto on Friday, if they were planning on leaving without me anyway, why didn't they just leave Thursday night?
I spent a few minutes brooding over that and the imminent 5.5 hour bus ride I know had to face by myself, before I relaxed and got over it. It ended up being not so bad, I met a nice guy named Adam who will likely show up as a facebook friend in the next few days. We played chess on his laptop. I lost, painfully, but only because his laptop is weird and messed up my opening. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. He's from Texas (no accent, sadly. I guess not every guy can be that alluring) and has a lip ring (guh!) but I really could not tell if I was getting a gay vibe from him or not. He didn't hit on me, we just talked. No idea. Guess I'll find out.

Anyways, I got home and everything was ok at first. It was just my mom and I for a little while. We went to Casey's to surprise Kathleen at work and her face just lit up when she saw me and she gave me a massive hug. It made me feel so good.

The best thing about Toronto I think, is that I can always be by myself if I feel like it. Here though, thats not the case. Its frustrating, being around people all the time, and my parents feel this constant need to touch me and bother me. Its slowly annoying me to death. Every time they do it I have to bite my lip to keep from snapping at them. Sitting at home last night, my brother was argueing with his girlfriend, and my mom was argueing with my dad, and I was just sitting there thinking "This is what I came home for?" I thought I left all that behind. Some things never change.

I went clubbing with Kat and Sami tonight. I thought it would be so much fun, and for awhile it was. But then Kathleen's infectious aura wore off, as did my drinks, and I just wanted to go home. Kat had all this drama going on, and I just didn't want to be a part of any of it. I thought I was going out to spend time with my best friend who has been excited for weeks for me to come home. Instead I spent most of it dancing with random guys and sitting by myself, while she danced drunk on the stage. I was bored, tired and fed up, and just wanted to go home. And admittedly, I had wanted to go and dance with a bunch of hot guys. I wanted Sophie and everyone to come so they could see me dancing, and then report back to the Chestnut folks that I'm not as much of a one-guy girl that certain people seem to think I am. But they didn't come, and the slight back-up plan that involved me bringing my camera only resulted in a bunch of photos of me and Kat. My buzz died long before the night did, and it wasn't nearly as fun when you're trying to keep your trashed best friend from falling down and her somewhat/maybe/ equally drunk boyfriend from driving the 3 of you home. In the end, I let him drive, seeing that Kat wouldn't leave him there and he wouldn't leave his car. It was a shitty night, helped along with a few more incidents that quite frankly I'm just too tired to explain at the moment, and I wanted to cry the entire way home. It was pretty bad. I managed to hold back until I was on the way to my front door, with my back to Kathleen, but that was the most I could do. I hadn't cried since my parents dropped me off on the first day. The entire weekend so far has just made me feel like I'm back in high school, a feeling that I cannot stand. Its all "where are you going, when are you coming back?" constant people and questions and I haven't had a moment's peace yet. There's so much more I wanted to say, particularly about relationships, and a response to Daydream Believer's last comment, but its 4am and I need to get up early tomorrow. I just want to be back home, in Toronto, where I belong, with people I'm comfortable with. A small consolation to all this: I finally got my hair cut (I love it!), dropped off my availability for work over Christmas, and got a capo for my guitar. The last means that I can start learning a couple of songs I've been thinking of all night. And although they now have a different meaning and feel to me than they did say...a month ago, they're good and relaxing songs, the kind that calms me down when I'm stressed.

Do you remember....

Cause maybe...you're gonna be the one that saves me...

More later if I feel like it.

-Este

Updates

I had a few thoughts floating around in my head, but now that I'm sitting down to write this, they all seem so insecure, and that's no longer the kind of person I want to be. (was it ever?) I was thinking about my weight, and how I think I've lost some, and wondering if its due to some lingering self-destructive tendency, or if my mom will see it that way, or even notice. I was wondering about my skin, my hair, my clothes, my beauty in general. I was wondering was people see when they look at me. If people think I'm pretty or not. I've had plenty of people tell me I'm hot, or beautiful, but those people are generally either family, guys I'm dating or whom I know are interested in me, or guys who are just looking to get laid. I don't think I'm beautiful. Sometimes I feel gorgeous, but sometimes I feel ugly as sin. I wondered if people like me more upon seeing me or after talking to me. I was wondering if its my looks or my personality that draws people to me, and which one pushes them away. I knew getting my belly button pierced would cause some people to look at me differently. Carl was one I didn't expect. He's a great guy and I love talking to him because he's always got one story or another, and I know he loves my piercing. According to him, navel piercings are only lower on the hotness scale to lower back tattoos and tongue piercings. The more I talk to him, the more he learns about me, and if he's not laughing at the stupid things I've done, he's agreeing with me. I can safely say I'm not interested, but its sooooooo nice to have a guy friend here. He reminds me of Kyle back home, only without the sexual tension. I'm still waiting to see what my dad and brother will say about my piercing. I'm willing to bet they won't be too happy.
I'm starting to think seriously about studying abroad for a year, or maybe just a semester. I haven't yet decided if I really want to do it or not. It would be an amazing opportunity, and I love to travel, but I don't know how well I'd do over there. Or where I'd go, for that matter. I'm thinking Australia or New Zealand perhaps.
Sophie and I had our first real roommate bonding moment a couple weeks ago. I'd had a disappointing msn conversation and was pretty bummed about it. We just sat and talked for about 2 hours, sharing relationship stories, good and bad, and talking about our flaws. We came to a conclusion that is pretty damn accurate for me. I open up too soon. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it's constantly flinging itself out there for anyone to take. I did not trust guys for a very very long time. I passed up a lot of great opportunites after Troy, that I didn't take because I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to allow myself to be hurt. I'm still not. Nobody wants to be hurt, I just want someone to care about me, even just a little bit. ...and of course sex wouldn't hurt either. :P
In all honesty, Carl laughs at me because I go from guy to guy so quickly. Its not that I'm a slut, or want to sleep around, its that I'm looking for someone, someone who is looking for me. Maybe I'll find him, maybe I won't, maybe I already have. We'll see where life takes me.

Sorry for all the topic-jumping, its 4am and my thoughts have been jumping around all day as it is. Comments welcome.

Although,


Who doesn't know what I'm talking about
Who's never left home, who's never struck out
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone

Many precede and many will follow
A young girl's dream no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out west
But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed

[Chorus:]
She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the high stakes

She traveled this road as a child
Wide eyed and grinning, she never tired
But now she won't be coming back with the rest
If these are life's lessons, she'll take this test

[Repeat Chorus]
She knows the high stakes

As her folks drive away, her dad yells, "Check the oil!"
Mom stares out the window and says, "I'm leaving my girl"
She said, "It didn't seem like that long ago"
When she stood there and let her own folks know

[Repeat Chorus]
She knows the highest stakes
She knows the highest stakes
She knows the highest stakes
She knows the highest stakes

A tad redundant, but accurate nonetheless.

You'd said we'd never get this far
You said your words,
we've played our parts
Said your two cents now
It's my turn

So, sit down,
shut up
Are you ready?

So, you think you know how this story goes
Are you ready for this?

Sit down, are you ready for this?
Shut up, are you ready for this?
Stand up, are you ready for this?
This game
Are you ready?

I thought you'd never come this far
I thought your words meant something more
Said my two cents now
It's your turn
So stand up and scream
Are you ready?

So you think you know how this story goes
Are you ready for this?

Sit down, are you ready for this?
Shut up, are you ready for this?
Stand up, are you ready for this?
This game
Are you ready?

Are you ready?

Are you ready for this?
Sit down, are you ready for this?
Shut up, are you ready for this?
Stand up, are you ready for this?
This game
Are you ready for this?


Is there something wrong with me?

Trouble

I sometimes wonder if people see me as more trouble than I'm worth, and move on. I don't pretend to not be trouble, there's plenty of things wrong with me on more than one level. The biggest issue that arises in relationships though is my insecurity. Now forgetting for a second all of the stereotypical songs and quotes and whatnot that follow a broken heart (First Cut is the Deepest, Sometimes I wake up crying, Starts With Goodbye, Brokenheartsville, Just to See you Smile, and of course the best poems in the world: When We Two Parted and I Watched Thee, by Lord Byron, just to name a few) there is something to be said about having your heart broken. It does hurt, and it does leave a mark, figuratively and literally in my case, and it does change a person. I heard it described once thusly: You can only kick a puppy so many times before its spirit breaks and it learns to fear. However melodramatic it sounds, its absolutely true. I've been hurt a lot. I've had a great number of relationships fail on me, often dramatically of the crashing and burning variety. So what if its made me a little skittish? Its so difficult for me to not know where I stand in relationships, and thats what screws me over everytime.

I've gotta go shower now, ultimate frisbee game in an hour, more later.

Song

I just discovered this song, and I like it. I couldn't tell you why, but I do.

When you refuse me
You confuse me
What makes you think I’ll let you in again
Think again my friend
Go on misuse me and abuse me
I’ll come out stronger in the end

And does it make you sad
To find yourself alone
And does it make you mad
To find that I have grown
I’ll bet it hurts so bad
To see the strength that I have shown

When you answer the door pick up the phone
You wont find me cause I’m not coming home

You don’t know how much this hurts me
To say these things that I don’t want to say
But have to say them anyway
I would do anything to end your suffering
But you would rather walk away

And does it make you sad
To find yourself alone
And does it make you mad
To find that I have grown
I’ll bet it hurts so bad
To see the strength that I have shown

When you answer the door pick up the phone
You wont find me cause I’m not coming home.

Progress for Progress's Sake Should Be Discouraged?

Excuse the Harry Potter reference. That is, if anyone caught it in the first place. I saw the movie last week and HATED it. I was bored out of my mind and I used to be a Harry Potter nerd. In hindsight, rereading the book just before I saw the movie was a bad idea. It just made every little thing that they changed stand out all the more. And the continuity mistakes!!! The dementors and Sirius's head in the fire are the most memorable. You can't change the exact same thing in consecutive movies and expect no one to notice. Mind you, I have to say its much cooler in the most recent movie, but still. I had planned to reread HBP before the last book comes out, but frankly I'm kinda sick of the whole HP world right now, not to mention feeling a little bit gypped. So instead of HBP I started reading the book I got at commencement for that award. Divisadero by Michael Ondaatje. Yep, that's right, Ondaatje. I suppose it's a good sign that I'm not bored out of my mind, but I'm only 20 pages in so far. I actually have my eye on the new book in the Kushiel series. Part mystery/suspense, part historical fiction (think Man in the Iron Mask type of writing), part Harlequin romance, they're addictive. They're also only available in hardcover and cost upwards of $30.

But enough about books, on to the reason for the post. What else would it be, other than the male population of the world?

Just when I thought I didn't care about Kyle anymore he finds his way back into my life. Funny innit? Way back when, he told me that everytime we'd worked together he wanted to kiss me. I asked him what it was that he wanted from me and he responded with "more than one night" which is very ambiguous if you think about it. After that he stopped talking to me altogether and I got sick of saying hi to him on msn and not receiving an answer, it made me feel desperate, so I stopped. Then yesterday he showed up online and I knew he was really there so I figured what the hell and said hi. We had a short conversation at the conclusion of which he left first, making me feel a little annoyed, but then I decided I didn't really care and didn't think anything else of it. Then later that night he started up a conversation with me for the first time in months. It got a little risque at which point I told him flat out that I don't give it up that easily so if he's only interested in sex from me then he can look elsewhere. He said that's not all he's looking for but when I asked him what he was looking for he replied "I dunno yet", reminding me of another cryptic guy who sent mixed signals at one point.

So PMI for old time's sake:

PLUS
-he's interested in something
-it seems likely I'll have sex again before Sept.
-even if its not really a relationship, its physical comfort
-it'll stop my crazy guy obsession as of late

Minus
-he's out of town for the next 2-3 weeks
-I'm moving away in 5 weeks so its not like it'll be long-term at all
-my willpower is next to nothing so I'll likely end up doing something I regret with him early, pretty much what caused me to end my last 2 relationships

Interesting
-he knows I'm leaving in 5 weeks so is he only doing this now because he knows there's an expiration date or is he truly interested?
-do I even want this?

HOWARD: STOP READING


It is a strange thing that a person can attend the same event two years in a row, experience it as differently as humanly possible, and still come out feeling the same. There’s so many things I want to say about prom, things that occurred to me throughout the night, things that I want to remember, and sure, things that I’d like to forget. The bulk of these things are lost now, due in part to the amount of alcohol I consumed (albeit little), the sheer craziness of the night, the number of things going on, and the good night’s sleep. What hasn’t scattered in the wind of my brain, I will attempt to relate here.

Last year, I attended prom with Troy. We spent time with his friends, we didn’t drink, we stayed in a hotel room just the two of us, he was sweet and caring and it was an incredibly romantic and perfect night.

What a difference. This year I attended with my best friends. I had a blast through most of it. I wasn’t thinking about my boyfriend and what he wanted to do, I was thinking about myself and looking out for my friends, something I don’t mind doing in the slightest. I drank this year, discovering that screwdrivers taste just as disgusting as I thought they would, and that Smirnoff is pretty damn tasty after you get past the first couple sips. That may well beat out rum and coke as my drink of choice. I also got a hotel room this year with those three friends and I’m very glad that I did. Everyone was having a great time at one point or another during the night, and the fact that we were all there together made for an almost perfect night.

The feeling that remained the same over the two years though, is the feeling that something is missing.

You don’t want to hurt me/
Baby don’t worry/
I’m not gonna let you.

I’m sure you’ve heard the story. At about 4 am last year, I woke up and got a glass of water and went to look out the window. The view was amazing. After a minute, Troy got up and did the same, standing behind me and holding me close. We could have been there for a minute or it could have been an hour, I honestly don’t know. But for however long it was, I was willing myself not to cry, because I knew that in a week he would be in England for a month and I didn’t want to lose him. Looking back now, a month seems so small, so infinitesimal in the grand scheme of things. And maybe I did lose him that month. Maybe he did cheat on me, as I’ve long suspected. Something must have happened to make him come home and tell me he didn’t love me anymore. That’s beside the point though.

This year, at 3 am, just before bed, I stood and looked out the hotel window, waiting to feel something wash over me. Instead I saw a different view, from a different floor on the opposite side of the hotel, with different people in the room, having had a different night. I was struck by how much life can change in one year. I thought I’d be with Troy forever, I honestly thought he was the one. But here I am one year later, 9 months after he broke up with me, without him, and feeling pretty damn good about it. It took a long time and a lot of missed opportunities, but I got over him and I’m a better person now for it. I’ve surrounded myself with people who do love me now. Who love me for who I am and who I could be. Who want the best for me. I feel safe, loved, and comfortable when I’m around them. I have a full and fulfilling life right now. But still, something is missing.


Looking around last night at all the couples, I realized something. I’m lonely. I need someone to love. I have my friends, yes, but it’s not the same at all. I need someone to hold and to be held by, someone to kiss and be kissed by, someone to touch and be touched by. This all hit me at about the 3rd sip of my second drink, which is why I gave it away. I was on the verge of crying, and really didn’t want to do anything I might regret later. Although I’m completely sober and crying now, funny isn’t it? Dancing with Andrew was fun. I really enjoyed it. We were almost grinding a couple times and I wanted so badly to do it, just to feel something, but I held back. It would have been nice to know that I still have an effect on guys. I think my past boyfriends would agree, when it comes to pleasing a guy, I’m pretty good, but getting involved in any sense with Andrew never turns out well for me. It would have been nice to get drunk and let go, but I didn’t want to regret last night.

And then there’s the more sexual/ physical side of all this. I haven’t had sex in over 9 months. And yeah, I miss it. I was sitting at dinner, leaning against the table, and absolutely dying for someone to run their hand across my bare back. To be touched romantically in any way.

Don’t kiss me like this, unless you mean it like that, if you do baby kiss me again.

But I gotta think twice/Before I give my heart away/And I know all the games you play/Because I play them too/Oh, but I need some time off/From that emotion/Time to pick my heart up off the floor.

I finally got my hug. Two actually. The first was a bit of a letdown, like I knew it would be. The second was better, but I wish it had lasted longer. Fuck I miss being held. I miss my friend. I miss being a girlfriend, even though I’ve often said that lately I just want to date. But really, what can I do? I’m moving in two months for four years, then coming back to Ottawa. It’s immature and irresponsible to start a relationship with anyone, knowing I’m only here for two months and I can’t see myself doing a long distance relationship very well. I need that physical comfort too badly. And in Toronto? I’m only there for 4 years, is it responsible and in everyone’s best interests to start a relationship knowing it has an expiration date? I don’t know. Of course, to have a relationship I first need to find someone who is interested in me, which is a feat and a half on its own.

It’s hard for me to know/
Sometimes I feel like letting go/
But what if it all means something/
What if it all means something?

I bet it makes you laugh/Watching me work so hard to reach you/You never gave a damn/About all of those things I did to please you/
All that you wanted, you found somewhere else/And nothing could drag you away from yourself/Do you really know me at all?/Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?/Are you ever gonna be that real to me?/
…We’re left with nothing but a shadow of a doubt.


And anyone can tell/
You think you know me well/
But you don't know me…
Oh I am just a friend/
That's all I've ever been/
Cause you don't know me…
Afraid and shy/
I let my chance go by/
The chance that you might love me too…
Oh you will never know/
The one who loves you so/
Well you don't know me.

You’ve got wits/
You’ve got looks/
You’ve got passion/
But I swear you’ve got me all wrong.


Parts of last night were fun, I had a blast dancing with my friends. Parts were just shocks to me. Looking around the room and realizing; this is it. Last night marked the end of my high school career, and I will likely never see many of those people again. I really wish I’d taken the time to get to know everyone as well as I could have. For someone with my “no regrets” philosophy, there are quite a few things that I regret in the past few months. But then again, what is Toronto really? A fresh start. A chance to choose who and what from my past I want in my life, as opposed to just having to live with it. There are a lot of people I don’t want to lose touch with. I’m not scared anymore. Now I’m just sad.

But I’m a strong person. Or at least I like to think I am. Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. I love you guys.

I get knocked down/
But I get up again/
You're never gonna keep me down.

I know it all means something.

-Este

Coming home to a dark and empty house doesn't quite feel like the triumphant ending of the last day of school that I've been awaiting. Something feels missing. Whatever it is, I hope it's filled soon. I don't like feeling like this.

Quotes

Fear is a powerful thing.

I think we're all scared. Scared of what we can do, scared of what we think we can't do, and scared to try. But Marianne Williamson said it best:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?... Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. ... It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I don't see how anyone could not be scared shitless of all this. Almost everything will be different 4 months from now. But one thing will not be. Our friendship will be the same.

What follows is a bunch of quotes I've stumbled upon. Some are extremely relevant, others not so much. But they all made me think, and they should do the same for you.


You have brains in your head./
You have feet in your shoes./
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose./
You're on your own./
And you know what you know./
You are the guy who'll decide where to go.
~Dr. Seuss

God wisely designed the human body so that we can neither pat our own backs nor kick ourselves too easily. ~Author Unknown

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss (smart fellow)

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within. ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings

Wherever you go, go with all your heart. ~Confucius

Readjusting is a painful process, but most of us need it at one time or another. ~Arthur Christopher Benson

Leaving home in a sense involves a kind of second birth in which we give birth to ourselves. ~Robert Neelly Bellah, Habits of the Heart, 1985

I think that wherever your journey takes you, there are new gods waiting there, with divine patience - and laughter. ~Susan M. Watkins


We're all scared but we'll all make it though. We're all strong, capable people, and we'll be just fine. We'll all make new friends and keep the old, we'll adjust, and though it might be painful and difficult, we won't be doing it alone. I told you a long time ago Daydreamer, that I'll be here for you when ever you need me. I meant it, you can call me *anytime*, even at 4am just to say hi if you're feeling lonely. I promise you, we'll both get through this and come out on the other side stronger and more confident, and more secure with who we are.

For the first time in a long time today, I heard someone pray. Actually pray. It almost made me cry. For people to have so much passion and faith in something that they have no proof exists...its powerful. There's one prayer I've always stood by, despite my dislike of all things religious and godly:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

One final quote on everyone graduating and heading off our separate ways, from one of my favourite movies:

Chappy: You think its gonna be soooo easy, don't you?
Doug: No, I don't think its going to be all easy, I just meant I'm ready, that's all. You're ready, aren't you Chap?
Chappy: You ain't ready for shit boy!
...
Doug: I know what we're facing, and everyone else? I don't know what you think anymore, but they know it too. And maybe I'm not all that ready for it, but who the hell is ever ready for it? You didn't get me into this, remember? I came to you. And I can say that I'm proud to fly with you. Maybe I'm not all that ready, but I'm damn proud.

Maybe I'm not ready, maybe none of us are, but I'm so incredibly proud to be taking these steps with these people. In stepping out into the world like this, I'm flying, and there's no one else I'd rather be doing it with.

Music

I downloaded a song the other day that is a pretty perfect representation of my tattoo/what I want it to mean.

I will let you undress me/
But I warn you/
I have thorns/
Like any rose.

It goes on to say;

And you could hurt me/
With your bare hands/
You could hurt me/
With with the sharp end/
Of what you say.

Which isn't really all that relevant, but I like it anyway. I like the imagery. The song is Break Me by Jewel.

Along that line, I downloaded the song Break Me, Shake Me by Savage Garden.

So you're the kind who deals with the games in the mind/
Well you confuse me in a way that I've never known/
you confuse me in a way that I've never known.


I didn't go to school today. I got up a little late at 8 and just didn't think the effort of rushing would be worth the end result of a shitty and boring day. In hindsight it was a bad thought, considering there's only 9 days left of school and I kinda need to be there for all of them. Ah well.

Alone

Have you ever felt alone in your life? Not physically alone, but psychologically?

I'm not screaming in a room full of people,
No overused metaphors for me.
I am alone, and don't I know it.

I feel alone. Like I have nowhere to turn. Every time I start to trust someone they seem to pull away from me. I'm tired, and frustrated. I'm sick of the up and down rollercoaster of emotions. I'm starting to wonder if the end result is even worth the effort of trying.

Stability is an unstable thing. I say I want it because to me, stability means love. But there is no passion in stability and I'm not sure I could live that way. The next 4 months of my life are going to be incredibly unstable, and while I welcome the change and the renewed passion for life that it will bring; I can't do it alone. I need my friends, my relationships, and I need them to be stable while I figure all this out.

I need a hug. Some reassurance that everything will work out. I need to know that it will work out. I need to know that we'll part on good terms, and that he'll miss me too. I need that hug I've been owed since September, and I need it to be real and understanding and caring and open. I need to know he's being real with me, if only for those few minutes. I need to know I am trusted and loved, if only as a good friend. I need to know the truth, so I can leave and start fresh without the 'what ifs'. I need him and the others I care about to help me right now, because I'm falling without them. I need stability, but I long for passion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I usually snap out of moods like that pretty quickly. Not today. All day today, that's been my mood. All day I haven't been rejoicing over only having 10 days of school left. All day I've been sullen and afraid and down because I have so much work to do in those 10 days, because my entire summer is going to be working to make money for residence that I may not even need unless I get my marks up and keep my acceptance, because not a single one of my relationships (romantic or otherwise) has felt right or has been going well in the past month. I feel out of it, and I don't feel loved. I don't know if I'm being screwed with or not, by anyone. The people that used to be my confidantes, don't have time for me anymore, or don't care, or aren't interested. There's so much I want to say to everyone, but instead I'm holding my tongue, afraid of the consequences, of screwing something up. There's nobody left to comfort me. I threw away a really good thing with Kesh. And for what? To be sitting here alone?And I don't even have a clue what Kyle wants, or if I should get involved at all. I don't think he can give me what I want. I have trouble seeing his good side. I'm lowering my standards for him, and I don't want to do that. I shouldn't be afraid to say what I mean, not around him, not around anybody. But that's where I've found myself, and it'll be a long time before I find anyone that stable in Toronto.

My dad came home drunk again tonight. I must be really out of it. It took me more than 30 seconds to notice. I thought about the Oedipus complex and how much Kyle drinks.

I'm so scared. Scared to be who I am, who I want to be, even who I pretend to be. I just want to be out of this. Done with everything that's caused me pain or discomfort in the last 18 years. I don't want to be who I am, with this background. I don't even want to start fresh in Toronto. I just want it to be different. I wish everything were different.

The End of School Blahs

I'm afraid. I feel myself floundering in this world. I'm sick of high school, sick of this place, sick of my family and their constant nagging and everything. My house is like a battle zone these days. Not a day goes by where someone doesn't get annoyed and storm off, or decide to give everyone else the silent treatment, and I'm so fucking sick of it. I just want to get away from it. High school is getting so old and its sooooo incredibly hard to drag myself out of bed to get there in the morning. It just doesn't seem worth it. I'm afraid I'm going to fail something and be stuck here for another semester, but I just can't bring myself to care anymore. I have something like 3 weeks left of my high school career and I can't wait for it to be over.

Unsettled

More often than not, I sit down to write these with something in mind. This time I can't really say that. This time its more like a general feeling. Or really, a jumble of feelings. ~I swing between happiness and misery.~ It's true. Maybe not to that extent, but it is true. I can be perfectly upbeat and happy one moment, then depressed and moody the next. This is true throughout the week, day, and even posts. Just watch.

Of Friends and Foes
I feel bad. In starting and subsequently screwing up all this stuff with Craig, I've hurt another friend's relationship with him. And while its not entirely my fault, she did, after all, make her own decision to get involved in the situation, were it not for me, they would still be as good friends as they were before, and he wouldn't ignore/avoid/stay away from her as he does me. It sucks, because its not my fault but it is and we both know it. Were the roles reversed, I'd be irritated, and she has every right to be.

Of Foes and....Foes?
Speaking of Craig, I really don't know anything. (Did I ever?) Do I want to be his friend? Yes. Do I miss having him as a close friend? Yes. Do I still enjoy talking to him? Yes. Am I still frustrated with him and the way he's not opening up like he used to? Absolutely. Do I still like him? A part of me does, but its a very small part now. I chalk it up to propinquity and limerence. When the former died, so did most of the latter.

I keep thinking about one of my last posts. I said something to the effect of "This isn't love, I know it isn't, and yet its more intense than just a crush." It felt wrong when I wrote it, and it still feels wrong now. Every relationship I've had since Troy has felt not quite right and I have a theory as to why. Relationships have to start somewhere. They generally start at a friendship stage and move on from there. My problem is that I started dating Robert in June 2005. That went until April 2006 when I started dating Troy (there was a little bit of overlap) and I dated Troy until October 2006. So for 17 months, I never had to start a brand new relationship out of thin air. I'd forgotten what it was like to start from nothing. All I knew, all I could remember, was the intensity and passion of love, or at least the closest thing to love that I know. Anything that didn't have that deep emotional bond or the passion seemed foreign. I'm slowly getting over that, but I'm finding that I have serious commitment issues that I never used to have. Offering or accepting the offer of something long-term since October has been really hard for me. I can't even begin to express how terrifying it is to me to put myself out there and offer my heart. I haven't done it often in the last 6 months, possibly because its scary as all hell, but I have done it. And why shouldn't I be afraid? There's a lot of heartbreak in the world. There's always been a lot of heartbreak in my world. But ~Nunc scio quid sit amor~ There's a post in a livejournal account that I kept awhile ago that I'd like to copy here. I have no real reason for it, other than feeling like it. See this is my slipping into my moody and depressed stage right now, and I'd like to share my old post possibly to show you just how depressed I can go. Its pretty low.


I really hate myself sometimes. I have all these horrible qualities that nobody seems to realize but me. I say I understand but I don't. I say I forgive, but I hold grudges. I manipulate people to get my way, most often hurting them in the process. I'm not worthy of the life I have. The only thing I deserve is all this pain. I pretend to be tough, I pretend to be weak. It's all just a facade. Sometimes it's for other people, but most often it's to fool myself. To keep the moments of shining realization to a bare minimum. The moments where something cracks, and I realize that I am nothing. I have no real dreams or ambitions, I have no friends, I have no worldly possessions that I overly cherish. The only thing I have is my boyfriend, and every day I wonder how he can stand to be with me. How he can be with me and not see what a fake I am. What a coward I am. I know he's sick, and in pain, and tired, but goddamnit if I didn't work for two weeks to plan that party and then end up having no time with him. But this is exactly what I mean. I'm a selfish, conniving, little bitch, and I would give anything for the world to judge me based on who I am and not who I pretend to be. I fucking hate myself. Outwardly I blame my flaws on the life I've lived. Years of being terrified and disgusted with my dad over his drinking. Almost four years now of cutting, and hiding it, and revealing it, and trying to stop it, something I've still yet to accomplish completely because I've been fucking dying to do it the past few days. And why the fuck doesn't it bother Troy? Ever person I've told has been adament that I quit. Why then does Troy not seem to care at all? He's supposed to be my protector, or if nothing else, my friend. I would have killed myself by now if I weren't so chicken shit. I've dreamt about it. Right down to the tingling sensation before the pain in my hands. I don't know how to change who I am. I blame who I am on Robert, and the stress of moving out of my house, the sudden responsibility, the constant fear of arguments, of being kicked out, of cutting, of all the emotional warfare that went on while I was there. It's easy to see how Robert became suicidal. That place could drive anyone to kill themselves. Even so, I miss it so much sometimes. Not while I lived there, but earlier. Last summer. I was as unhappy as ever at home, and Robert was my salvation. His house became my sanctuary. Cleaning the basement with him during those first few weeks, and how, even then, we were planning to have me move in. That day cemented our relationship and made me see him as my protector. I fought with my parents far more than usual after that, knowing I could push boundaries, that I had somewhere else to go. I remember one day specifically. I ran out of the house in early November, in nothing but jeans and a too-small sweatshirt. My wrists and my stomach were exposed, I was freezing. I met Robert in the Wally's parking lot. He took me home to get a change of clothes. I was to spend the night at his house. I went inside, got my things and tried to leave. My mom stood in front of the door and wouldn't move. I ran through to the back, and had to walk all around the block to meet Robert again. When I got to his house I was aching. I don't know if it was from being huddled against the cold, or the heavy bag on my back, or from the adrenaline that had been coursing through my body that was starting to slow down. A few hours later I found a sobbing message my mom had left on my cell phone, begging me to come back home. It should have ended that night, but it didn't. A few weeks later I moved in with him, and even though at the time I denied it, I see now that it was out of desire to be closer to him, and not desire to leave my home that made me do it. It was only a couple weeks after we had first had sex, and I think that had a lot more to do with it than I give credit. To share that with someone, especially to give up one's virginity, it's a scary but exhilerating experience. It's the biggest adult decision you can make, apart from getting married or buying a house, both of which I had planned with Robert. We even had a tentative date when we would become engaged (he had planned to become valedictorian when he graduated next year [not knowing he would end up graduating this year] and was going to give his speech, and at the end ask me to come on stage while he proposed) and we had already chosen a house we loved and had mock budgeted for it. We planned to get an apartment around christmas this year, and would spend the rest of our lives together. It was as fairy tale as real life could be. And then something shifted. For all I know it was entirely my fault. I just noticed one day that we seemed to fight more than anything else. Things we used to talk out got pushed under the rug. Decisions we used to make together were made based on assumptions or the wants of just one side. Everything became about being physical. Sex became the cure-all. We had an issue, we talked about it, nothing would be resolved, and then we'd have sex. It was so easy to pretend that it was make up sex, and everything was made up. I knew it never was. Nothing was ever resolved between us. We couldn't even make out with clothes starting to come off. Even when I had my period I'd have to repeatedly move his hands away from that area. I didn't like it. I became bitter about being physical with him. Somehow I always felt dirty afterwards. Like I was using him to get what I wanted. My own morose thoughts did nothing to change my mind. I began to hate the person I was with him. I started cutting again, worse than I had before. Using exacto knives and razor blades where before I had only used broken bobby pins or sharp earings. He knew, and to get me to stop he threatened to cut whenever I did. I hated him for that but I was too scared to let anyone else become addicted to it like I had. I loved him too much to see him hurt. His plan backfired though. While I didn't want him to be hurt, I couldn't stop. And what's more is I didn't want to quit for him (by this time I was seeing his faults and falling rapidly out of love), I wanted to quit for myself. Cutting is a completely solo and selfish act. And I needed to know that I had the strength to quit on my own, for me, and not because I was being threatened into it. I heard once that cutters who are faced with ultimatems generally don't stop cutting, they just find better ways to hide it. And that's what I did. I have since stopped actively cutting, though I still feel that urge fairly often. But the important part is that I did it for me, and not for him. I realize that this post started out on a completely different topic and that it's very very very long, but I just couldn't stop writing. It felt so good to get it out. I think someday I might write some of this down. Sort of as a personal memoir, to show to myself that things always get better. For now, it's 12:45 am and I think I'm going to bed.

I wrote that on August 3rd, 2006. I guess I just want people to know who I am. I'm not perfect, not even close, and I have been through some tough shit.

Starlight, Starbright...
Its 11:11 pm right now. I usually make a wish. Usually my wish is about whatever guy I happen to be wrapped up in at that moment. It hasn't been lately, even though it could be. Lately my wish has been to let me find my true love, or something close, when I'm really for it, even if that isn't right now. It's not that I have that much faith in God or fate or any kind of higher power. Its more about acknowledging to myself that at this point in my life, I'm not ready to find that person, even if he is in my life right now. I'm changing right now. ~Non sum qualis eram~ I know that. I won't be stable for some time. But who really wants stability anyway? I look at my cousin and see how happy he is with his fiancee. They're a perfect match and they have that kind of comfortable chemistry. I would kill for that. I love being in love. The best feeling in the world is knowing someone loves you. I haven't known that in over 6 months. I haven't known that since Troy came back from England. At one point he did. So did Robert. That would have been before he called me "just an opportunity". Love is so relative. When I was in the 3rd grade I thought I was in love. I barely talked to the guy. That changed again in grade 6 with my first kiss, and again in grade 7, and 8, etc. I've always thought I was in love. Who knows? Maybe I was. But as I grew and matured and became more serious, I've realized that love isn't just about wanting to be near the person, and liking them. Love is so much more. I thought I was in love with Robert. I enjoyed his company, being physical with him, felt all sorts of powerful emotions towards him. But I never respected him. A wise person once asked: Can you love someone without respecting them? I thought about it, but I keep coming back to this: No. You can't truly love anyone, love all of them, without respecting them. I respected Troy. I looked up to him, thought he was a good person, and in my mind I loved him. But who the hell knows anymore? I have the capacity to love anyone. I am a caring person and I can't not love. Perhaps that's my downfall.

Back to the Future?
Sometimes we have a take a step backwards to see just how many steps forward we've taken. I want to go away for university but I'm afraid. I'm really afraid. I wanted to talk about my doubts and fears and uncertainties, but I don't have much time left. Suffice it to say that the more I think about it, the more torn I am. I'm looking forward to the freedom and the fresh start, but I'm afraid of leaving everyone I care about behind. The closer I get to September, the more I realize how much I love the people around me and all the opportunities I've missed because I never said what I really wanted to. It sucks.

A few final notes;

I know youve had it up to there with all my chaos and confusion/
I am living a delusion/
and I do not give a damn...
Look into my heart and tell me I am a complete disaster/
Wasnt that what you were after/
Always thought it was
-Sorry For Myself, Jann Arden

There's a little poem I've loved for a long time but never really knew the origins of until today. I found it randomly and discovered that the wording of the one I know is a little different from the original, but its essentially the same thing:

~odi et amo quare id faciam fortasse requiris / nescio sed fieri sentio et excrucior~

meaning:

~I hate and I love. Why do I do this, you perhaps ask. / I do not know, but I feel it happening and am tormented.~

Something to think about.

-Este

Quote

Just a quote I stumbled upon today while looking for inspiration for my human growth essay. For the record, I liked it before I got to the part that's relevant.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. "
Neil Gaiman

-Este

Ouch

This doesn't look good for me.

I often wonder why it is that I get so angry so easily. Why I become angry at my parents, my brother, the people I care about, especially Craig. Why I lose my temper so easily and get as angry as I do. I've come to the conclusion that should have been evident from the beginning. Becoming angry and defensive is easier than admitting (to myself and everyone else) that I'm hurt. Really hurt. So hurt, in fact, that it makes me too vulnerable to reveal it. I said before that I wasn't afraid to be vulnerable around him. I wasn't before, maybe I am now? I want to trust him and more than anything right now, I want him to trust me, to want me. But just wanting something isn't enough. Its his own decision and I can't make it for him (believe me, I would have if I could). He's already made up his mind though, I can tell. It doesn't look good for me.

But I'll live. I'll survive. I'll have to. I'll put on a bright smile, and look fabulous and flirt with all the guys, and be defiant and strong. And you'll wonder how I ever seemed so weak. And at prom, I'll be the star. Beautiful and confident, secure and loved. And you'll wonder at how stupid you were to pass me up. You'll see me and take everything at face value, and think that I'm okay. But you'll never see me hurting. I won't let you.

FUCK!!!!! Why the fuck do I always have to screw this up?!?!?! Now I'm sitting here sobbing and fuck I want to cut, and I'm so fucking sick of this. Every time I open up and let someone in he breaks my heart. Robert did it. Troy did it. Now Craig? Every guy I start to trust. Every time I think I'm safe. Fuck this! I've had enough. My new years resolution was to live life for me. Not for them. Part of living for me is not letting myself get hurt. I WON'T DO IT AGAIN. I won't let him hurt me. Not this time. Fuck, I want to hit something. I want to hit Robert, for using me like he did. I want to fucking take Troy's head off for treating me the way he did. Telling me he loved me, then telling me he didn't anymore, after I'd waited a month for him to get back from England. Then lying to me for 3 months before deciding he was going to break up with me, then having sex with me, *THEN* breaking up with me. Fucking bastard. And now Craig....all I want is for someone to care about me. Me, not my body, not what I can do for them, but for me. Is there so much wrong with me that I just can't be loved? How do I fix that? I don't want to hit Craig. I want to hug him. I want someone to tell me its ok, that they're there for me, no matter what. I just want to be loved. Why is that so hard?

Scattered Thoughts

I keep a small notebook in my school bag at all times. When I feel like writing, or have something I want to express, I flip to a random blank page in the notebook and write. Nothing that goes longer than 2 pages is in chronological order in the notebook. Often I don't write anything. But occasionally I find some kind of personal well and am able to write what I'm really feeling, freely, because no one will ever read it. If you read straight through my notebook today, cover to cover, this is what you would read:

(From a test I took in business)
I am a;
-slightly expressed introvert
-slightly expressed sensing personality
-distinctly expressed feeling personality
-slightly expressed judging personality

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(A long note between Kesh and I on the cruise, expressing my frustration over Davey's jealousy and essentially stating that we were both interested.)

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March 28th/07
Maybe some people aren't meant to be in relationships. I'll think everything is fine and going well with a new guy, and I'll like him a lot, and then all of a sudden something will change. I'll find a problem with him. I like Kesh. I really do, even though he'd not my type at all. He's funny, we have a lot in common and I like being around him. The problem is he's so busy. And he's the kind of person who goes to bed really early. I don't have time for someone who doesn't have time for me. It sounds so self-centered and self-absorbed to say so, but its true. That's one of the things I have no patience for. I want a relationship with Kesh but I'm not sure it will work if he doesn't have time for me. It irritates me. He said he'd make the effort to be on msn so we could talk, and he was, but he was only online for 20 minutes. When he left he asked if he could call me tonight. I said he could but I might not be home. When he left I was angry at him. It seemed that he couldn't be bothered to change his habits to see me. If he can't be bothered then neither can I.

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March 21st/2007
There's something to be said for life's little miracles. The rising of the sun, the laugh of a child, the meeting of a friend in a crowded hallway.

For a long time, I haven't had anyone to look for in the halls. I've had crushes, sure, but no one who has looked for me as well. There was Chris, whom I looked for because we shared a dangerous secret. There was really no interest in his mind, only in what he could offer me in ways of physical companionship. There was Cory, who never cared about me. I never was able to connect with him like I wanted to. Not emotionally, or mentally, or physically. And now here I am again, walking down the halls, looking for someone I know I'm not going to see. Kesh doesn't even go to this school and I'm still looking for him.

(This is over a month old, and parts of it still hold true. I have no feelings for Kesh anymore, but I did spend all day today scanning the halls for someone.)

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(Notes from....human growth? maybe Family Studies about play. I wanted to write something deep and meaningful about it, but I never got that far.)

-play
-even though we got hurt, we'd still do it again

Life was so much simpler when we were young.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(A poem, based on a concept I learned in Family Studies.)

April 24th/2007

Social Exchange Theory-
sounds so grand and official
so scientific,
a logical assessment of an emotional thing.
Does it not suffice to say
That I'm just not getting what I'm giving?
I need more,
Not from you,
But from him.
Social Exchange Theory,
sounds so cold and heartless,
but maybe it's simpler than saying
you're not enough?

(written about Kesh)

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April 25th, 2007

I dreamt of you last night. A deja vu of sorts. An extension of another dream. Dusk, the sun sitting low in the sky. You, sitting low in the sand. I sat next to you, close against the cold. You spoke to me then, and took my hand, and my heart rejoiced. Then I woke up, and came to school, expecting something to be different. I know what I want now. But how do I get it?

(In ancient mythology, people often believed that the gods came to them in dreams. In the books I'm reading, the main character doesn't sleep well and is troubled by dreams she can't decipher. She finally visits a dream expert of sorts, and he tells her what her dreams are trying to tell her. I just naturally assumed that my dream was telling me something.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Poem, based off of notes I took about intimacy in Family Studies)

April 26th, 2007

No one is perfect,
We are all vulnerable,
All susceptible to fear,
All ashamed to let go,
To be ourselves,
And intimate,
At the same time.
But with you-
I feel the kind of vulnerability I don't mind having-
you won't expose me.
You let me keep who I am,
and I'm not afraid to show you who that is.
So even though I'm damaged goods,
you give me the confidence
to be vulnerable.
And that is perfection.

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(Written on the cruise, late at night after the crazy wind. I'm thinking of putting it in the gazette as a end of the year/graduation editorial.)

March 13th, 2007

We are amused by the simplest things. This is an undeniable fact of society. What is not so evident, however, is that the simplest things in this world are often the most majestical.
I was on a cruise this past March break and I had the privledge of experiencing a truly magical moment. After midnight one night, a group of 8 close friends and I took a trip up to the ship's deck. It was pitch black and the stars contrasted beautifully with the massive expanse of night sky that was visible. The view in itself was enough to make the night unforgettable, but what truly made the midnight trek so special was another one of life's natural beauties; the wind. Standing at the top deck at the bow of the ship, the wind was so strong that one could literally jump into the wind and be pushed backwards. Somewhere in between a hundred photos and a million laughs, I came to the realization that your friends are some of the most important people you'll ever meet in your life.

(It went on with some notes)

-graduation-leaving friends behind

(and a possible conclusion)

-"So life might revolve around the simple things, but always remember that the simplest things are often the most majestic, no matter if its the love of a good friend, or simply the force of a very strong wind."

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(Notes about April's Gator Gazette, too boring to copy over here.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Undated, but was written today, edited slightly.)

I've never been that overly confident person. I'm not that girl who sits in the back of the class and shouts out comments. I'm not able to walk into a room and know every eye is on me. But I can walk into a classroom full of grade 9s and 10s and speak naturally to them. And I can smile and flirt with any guy who looks at me with interest. I have my own areas of confidence.
You're one of my best friends, and I want to be with you. We haven't spoken in two days and I miss you like crazy. It takes 28 days to break a habit, and I don't want to pass the next 26 feeling like I do now.
This is ridiculous. I'm not in love with you. I know I'm not. And yet this is more intense than infatuation. I don't know what you want, and at this rate, I don't even know if you want anything at all. My own areas of confidence are simple. I can manipulate situations, nudge you to make certain decisions, but only if you play the game as well. But now you're breaking the rules, and I've got nothing to go on. Give me something, anything, and I promise I'll do my best to be what you want.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Give me your heart, make it real, or else forget about it.~

~You need to realize that sometimes, its just not okay.~ -OLP

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(the rest is all doodles and drawings.)

Today, right this second.

I'm at a loss. I'm usually pretty sure of what the other person in a relationship is thinking, and the only confusion is sorting out my own thoughts and feelings. In this case the only thing I am sure about is how I feel, I don't have a clue as to the rest and I don't know where to go from here. I want to be with him, but I don't know what he wants, and I don't want to push anything that might end up costing me a good friend. I just flat out don't know what to do.