Parties and Hotness

Sophie, Hanah and I (plus a few of the guys) went to the Stoplight party on Thursday. It sucked at first as there was a definite lack of hotness, but it picked up as the night went on. Sophie danced with a couple guys and I was happy for her, she's been so down lately that I really wanted her to get out and have some fun. She looked gorgeous in this backless halter and she was getting checked out all night. My shirt got me a few looks, but not as many as I'd have liked. It showed my tattoo and a big swatch of my bare back, I loved it. I had sorta been flirting with Yaroslav all week leading up to that, and he'd made a point to ask if I was going to be at the party. He asked me to dance a few times but I turned him down repeatedly. It wasn't that I didn't want to dance with him, I just didn't really want to do it there. Had we danced it would have opened up that whole middle school-esque "Ohmigod! You and Yaroslav!?!" and I really just wanted the night to be fun and simple without any of that. He ended up leaving early, and I ended up dancing with a couple of guys after that. I felt so guilty though, especially since of course it was brought up right in front of him the next night during a drinking party and everyone wanted to know why. I never did give anyone a good explanation.

I definitely have a renewed obsession with hot guys after Declan. I know a former co-worker who is supposed to be in Toronto this coming weekend and with all the sexual tension that has *always* existed between us, I would not be surprised in the slightest if something should happen. Actually, I invite it. I can easily say with no trace of embarrassment, since I first started working with this guy I've wanted to sleep with him. And based on the things he's said to me, while we worked together and afterwards, I'm sure he wouldn't have any objections. The only thing I'm worried about is my body and how it has the worst timing in the world, I'm due that Thursday. But whatever, we'll see.

On that same note: Yaroslav = yummy. I've been talking to him a lot over the past couple weeks. He's one of the few people I can have a philosophical conversation with and come out of it feeling like I've worked out my brain and changed the way I think about something. I really enjoy it. I've missed intellectual conversations here, as bad as that sounds. I usually end up pulling all nighters with Yaroslav and Thomas, and we have the most open and interesting conversations at times like 6am. Like last night/ this morning. The conversation went like this:

-Porn ---> the differences between men and women with respect to porn ---> porn in literature---->these books I have (Kushiel series) ---->a question about how much I relate to the protagonist in the books (a high class hooker).

And then mostly ignoring Thomas, Yaroslav and I had this conversation about what we like in bed. I told him I enjoy a little bit of force, and he asked how much, and I ended up showing him what I meant. I had him stand about a foot away from the wall and shoved him up against it, arms above his head. I'm pretty sure he enjoyed it lol. He commented on it, saying that it was just hard enough that it would get him going, but just weak enough that in about two seconds it would have been me pinned up against that wall. I have not been able to get that image out of my head since then. I have two words for it: DAMN SEXY. That kind of reaction is exactly what I like and its been impossible to find a guy who gets that. Also, he wears Joop, the same cologne that Robert used to wear, so I'm already hooked on the smell of him. And he has an accent (what is it with me and foreign guys?? I'm such a sucker for them.) The major problem: he has a girlfriend back home. Its very long distance, but he seems to care about her very much and has very clear ideas about love and fidelity. I don't know what to do. I'm sooo attracted to this guy and he does flirt with me (I've had other people tell me they notice it too), but he's taken... I told him something yesterday though, in a different context I told him that people are only seduced if they want to be seduced, and he looked at me as if I was on to something. Maybe I was.


-Este