Cont'

I wrote that on Friday when I was in a terrible mood. Today I'm absolutely fine. I want to get the help I need but I'm afraid. I have to work up the nerve to do it, and I haven't yet. I'm getting there though. I really am.

I write this here instead of in my personal journal because I know that on some level, its too important to keep to myself, but on another level, I really don't know who else to tell.

I need help. I swing between happiness and misery. I have fantastic days, and then I have terrible days, where all I think about is all the bad things I've got going for me.

Yesterday was an excellent day, until something small happened. Two somethings small I guess. We were all excited to go clubbing but when we got there it was a 2 hour wait and we just decided leave. On the way back, a friend of mine texted me to tell me that the guy I was interested in "didn't like me now but could learn to". I texted back saying I wasn't sure I wanted someone to need to learn to like me, and a few minutes later she replied with "he used to like you but doesn't anymore". Neither one of those things should have dented my good mood, but they did. I crashed. About a month ago I asked my roommate to hold onto my pocketknife. I didn't tell her why, but I'm sure she guessed. It was so that I wouldn't do anything stupid with it. Now I really want it back, but I'm not sure if its because I want to cut or because I want to prove to myself that I can have it and not cut.

I want to believe that this is normal. That I can feel this way and not have something wrong with me. Mostly because I don't want to believe that I can be this screwed up. Something like twelve percent of the population cuts, and I believe the number is even higher than that. I want to believe that I can cut and still function, maybe even function better than I would otherwise. If cutting keeps me focused and on track then how can it be so bad?

TBC