I, too, am sick of wondering

I am destined to forever be that girl who falls too fast and too hard, and ends up with her heart broken.

I want so badly to mean something to him. I know I mean *something*, but I want to *mean* something.

We're so similar, he and I. We have the same taste in music, movies, humour... We're at similar points in our lives, despite the obvious age difference. We have similiar and complimenting personalities. I love his dog, his house, his outlook on life... I'm understanding of his past, which is as painful and complicated as my own, and I hope to one day fill him on how I got to be the person I am. As far as I can tell, we're similar, if not a perfect match, in the bedroom. And if kissing is any indication, we're as compatible as peanut butter and jelly.

I'm always looking for the problem that isn't really there, and this is no exception.

He told me last week that he's falling for me. It gave me goosebumps and I think my heart skipped a beat. I asked him later if he meant it, or if it was something he said in the heat of the moment, that he thought I'd want to hear. He said it was a bit of both. Ever since then I've wanted to tell him that I too am falling. I'm afraid though. I'm hesitant to share how I'm feeling with him, not because I don't trust him, I do, with almost anything, but because I don't want to scare him off.

I'd be hesitant in any relationship, but the particulars of this one make it especially difficult. Because I'm so much younger, I don't want him to think I'm immature or silly or over-the-top. He told me today he thinks I'm a little conservative with my PDAs. I realized that maybe I don't have to be so restrained. Maybe in that sense I can show him a little more of myself, of how I feel. There's so many times that I want to put my arms around him or kiss him or just hold his hand, but I hold back, thinking maybe it's too much. And then there's the matter of the relationship itself.

I asked him on Saturday, jokingly, what we're doing, the two of us. It's a question we often joke about, since the situation is so absurd. He told me with a chuckle, though sounding serious "We're getting to know each other." Well I may still be getting to know him, but I'm loving what I'm seeing, and I'm more than ready to jump in headfirst and make this official. But it's these kinds of answers that make me hesitate. He reminds of Declan and his "oh we're just kissing" answer to what we were. I can't help the fact that I need that definition. That's just the way I am. For me to not know drives me nuts. But if I push it, and ask again and again, I know enough from experience that the straight answer I finally get will not be the one I want to hear. And I am so determined this time around not to screw this up, that I'll do whatever it takes. I just hope I'm still sane by the end of it. ...or at least as sane as I was to begin with.

~I could let you undress me, but I warn you, I have thorns like any rose.~

-Este