Crazy to want this, even for awhile...

Is it possible to be happy and still want to cry every time I hang up the phone? Is it crazy to think that I'm in love when getting out of the car breaks my heart? Or is it more likely? Does it make sense that I want to be with him so badly that it hurts to say goodnight? Am I just crazy clingy and that's why this never works out? Am I overstepping a boundary to want to see him more than one a week? It is good for us, and he is right. Infatuation is wanting everything right now, love is thinking long-term. Only seeing him once a week keeps me excited and interested, and only spending the night with him maybe once every 3 weeks makes me cherish being in his arms. Is that what makes me think I'm in love? My mind tells me I'm infatuated. My logical self tells me we've only been together for 3 months and we haven't spent nearly enough time together for me to truly love him. My heart tells me differently. I look at him and feel that warmth in my chest. He holds me and I close my eyes and melt. I see his name on my caller ID and my heart speeds up.
Vulnerability has always fascinated me. I feel far too vulnerable to tell him how I feel. I know he doesn't feel it. I know he wants to someday, just like someday I want to share my life with him, but at the moment, it's not there. Do I have the strength to tell him how much I care about him, knowing he can't truthfully say it back? I am strong enough. I have to be, because I do this to myself.

It was like shooting a sitting duck
A little small talk, a smile and baby I was stuck
I still don't know what you've done with me
A grown-up woman should never fall so easily
I feel a kind of fear
When I don't have you near
Unsatisfied
I skip my pride
I beg you dear
Don't go wasting your emotion
Lay all your love on me

I, too, am sick of wondering

I am destined to forever be that girl who falls too fast and too hard, and ends up with her heart broken.

I want so badly to mean something to him. I know I mean *something*, but I want to *mean* something.

We're so similar, he and I. We have the same taste in music, movies, humour... We're at similar points in our lives, despite the obvious age difference. We have similiar and complimenting personalities. I love his dog, his house, his outlook on life... I'm understanding of his past, which is as painful and complicated as my own, and I hope to one day fill him on how I got to be the person I am. As far as I can tell, we're similar, if not a perfect match, in the bedroom. And if kissing is any indication, we're as compatible as peanut butter and jelly.

I'm always looking for the problem that isn't really there, and this is no exception.

He told me last week that he's falling for me. It gave me goosebumps and I think my heart skipped a beat. I asked him later if he meant it, or if it was something he said in the heat of the moment, that he thought I'd want to hear. He said it was a bit of both. Ever since then I've wanted to tell him that I too am falling. I'm afraid though. I'm hesitant to share how I'm feeling with him, not because I don't trust him, I do, with almost anything, but because I don't want to scare him off.

I'd be hesitant in any relationship, but the particulars of this one make it especially difficult. Because I'm so much younger, I don't want him to think I'm immature or silly or over-the-top. He told me today he thinks I'm a little conservative with my PDAs. I realized that maybe I don't have to be so restrained. Maybe in that sense I can show him a little more of myself, of how I feel. There's so many times that I want to put my arms around him or kiss him or just hold his hand, but I hold back, thinking maybe it's too much. And then there's the matter of the relationship itself.

I asked him on Saturday, jokingly, what we're doing, the two of us. It's a question we often joke about, since the situation is so absurd. He told me with a chuckle, though sounding serious "We're getting to know each other." Well I may still be getting to know him, but I'm loving what I'm seeing, and I'm more than ready to jump in headfirst and make this official. But it's these kinds of answers that make me hesitate. He reminds of Declan and his "oh we're just kissing" answer to what we were. I can't help the fact that I need that definition. That's just the way I am. For me to not know drives me nuts. But if I push it, and ask again and again, I know enough from experience that the straight answer I finally get will not be the one I want to hear. And I am so determined this time around not to screw this up, that I'll do whatever it takes. I just hope I'm still sane by the end of it. ...or at least as sane as I was to begin with.

~I could let you undress me, but I warn you, I have thorns like any rose.~

-Este

Untitled

Don’t ask me what his name is,
You don’t really want to know.
Don’t ask me how I met him,
It lets your insecurity show.
Don’t ask me what he looks like,
He’s just like every other man.
Don’t ask me what my friends think,
Another guilt that I outran.
Don’t ask me why I did it,
It was the devil in my ear.
Don’t ask me why I told you,
That part isn’t very clear.
Don’t ask if I enjoyed it,
I won’t speak another lie.
Don’t ask if it was worth it,
I have no more tears to cry.
Don’t ask me who is better,
You have everything he lacks.
Don’t tell me that you love me,
I fear I just might say it back.


I haven't actually done anything to merit this poem, but it was my way of sorting through, and ultimately realizing that I can't do that to Corey. I quite like it anyway.

Rules are Meant to be Broken?

I am walking an extremely fine line, and don't I know it.

I love my boyfriend. He's this great guy who is amazing and sweet and I know he will never cheat on me. He doesn't have it in him. If only the same were true of me.

I worked with the 34 year old today. As per usual, we chatted about life and relationships and sex, heavy on the sex. I've always felt like if anything ever developed between us, it would be amazing, because we know so much about each other's likes and dislikes. We flirt CONSTANTLY when we work together, and even though I've always had a bit of a thing for him, that's all its ever been. Today I was telling him about how I'm sick of being with inexperienced guys, because it means I have to be the one taking charge and how I would love to be with a more experienced guy so I can just relax and enjoy the ride...no pun intended. For the first time, he made some comment about how if things were different, he would show me a good time. It really surprised me. I knew he was interested, but thats the first time he admitted it out loud. He later asked if he made me nervous, and I said he made me flustered, and of course he latched onto that right away. I think I knew he would. In that moment I wanted him so badly.

On the other hand, I talked to Declan yesterday. Every time I talk to him online, we talk about the same things; if/when I'm going down to visit him, how gorgeous he thinks I am, and how much he enjoyed the blowjob I gave him. When he passed out, one of his self proclaimed "groupies" added me and told me he says I give amazing blowjobs, and asked me for tips. I had already started giving her my secrets when she told me the reason she was asking was so that she could give him a good one, and then I got selfish and kept the rest of my tips to myself. Why should I help her give him *my* blowjob? Lol it's a stupid thing to be selfish for, but whatever. So after giving her tips, she said"I'm gonna go try it, brb". After about 30 seconds, he came back online and was talking to me AS HE WAS GETTING A BLOWJOB. He was telling me that she was good, but that I was better. And as weird as it sounds, it was really cool to be included in that because I KNOW that he was thinking of me and not her. I loved it. I love knowing that he wants me, that he compares other girls to me. Is that selfish?

I guess because of these conversations, I've been thinking a lot about what I want in a relationship, more sexually than anything else, and whether or not I'm getting that. It worries me a little, not because I'm not getting what I want, but because I've started thinking that I can get that elsewhere. I don't have the greatest track record with being faithful, but at least I'm conscious of the fact that I can't do that to Corey. It's just....frustrating. In more ways than one.

~I want to be your favourite hello and your hardest goodbye. ~

I just saw that on a bumper sticker and I love it. It's exactly what I want. And here's another quote:

"When you've found the person you want to spend the rest of you life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

I find that true too. Maybe I'm just being a hopeless romantic, but I can honestly see the rest of my life with this guy. I can plan the rest of my life, and know that I'll be happy every day that I'm with him...

What I wouldn't give to be back in the days when people married young without the social stigma. I would marry him in a heartbeat. Honestly.

You Spin Me Right Round, Baby, Right Round

There were 3 guys on my radar the last time I posted, and go figure, I worked with all of them at one point or another. I guess when you spend so much time with someone, you just naturally bond with them. Or is it that you don't have the opportunity to meet anyone else? Whatever the case, I have a few updates.

I finally got my date with the "pool guy" as he's been so aptly nicknamed. We hit it off really well, even after I told him that I really wasn't interested in hookups or fooling around if there's no relationship in it for me. I want to believe that he's changed his partying/sleep with anything that has a pulse ways, but when I knew him really well, that's all he did. As such, I have a really hard time believing that he wants to spend time with me for my company and not my curves. We kissed a fair bit during our first date, the first time I'd seen him in over a year, and I was shocked at how well we meshed. Usually when you kiss a new person for the first few times, it takes time to learn the other person. That first kiss is destined to be awkward and not very enjoyable. Enjoyment while kissing is a kind of thing that comes with practice. But not us, from the first instant it was like we'd been kissing for years. He had to leave early to help out a friend, and I expected a phone call the next day like he promised. I should have known better. I got a msn message a week and a half later, saying he'd been busy. That's exactly why I gave up on him in the first place. He's asked a couple of times since then when we can get together again, and I've hmmed and haawed at it. When I reminded him of my new-ish rule, and asked him what he thought about it, he said he wasn't completely opposed to the idea of a relationship, but that he has a lot of stuff going on right now. I'm not sure if he meant in his life, or romantically. I've got a lot going on too, on both fronts, so I can't really blame him. In all honesty, I'm not sure what to do about him. I desperately want a relationship with this guy that I've pined for for the better part of two years. On the other hand, he treats me like crap, and I should know better. Frankly, I'm not positive that he won't agree to a relationship, sleep with me, and then break it off immediately afterwards.

The next guy, the 34 year old. Nothing really has happened, one way or another. He's been working different shifts and I just haven't seen him. We discussed the possibility of going rock climbing a few weeks ago, and I would dearly love to go (both to spend the time with him, and because I really really miss rock climbing and feeling so great afterwards), so I just may give him a call this week and take him up on it.

The third guy, the lifeguard I wondered about. Turns out, he is interested, he's just incredibly incredibly shy. We've been on a few dates, the first 2 of which we're intensely frustrating as he didn't act the least bit smitten. Once I got to know him a little more though, we've both become a lot more comfortable with each other. We have far fewer awkward silences, and we're both more affectionate. I'm almost glad it took this long. I feel like this is the way its supposed to be, as opposed to hooking up on the first date and whatnot. We haven't made anything official as of yet, I'm sure some of the lifeguards he works with suspect something. We were a little affectionate at the pubcrawl a few weeks ago, but everyone had been drinking so I'd be surprised if anyone took anything anyone did or said seriously. I guess we'll see how this one goes, but so far I have a really good feeling about it. It felt a little off at the beginning, but its starting to feel quite right, and I have to say, I'm enjoying it. :)

More to say later, it's 2 am and bed is calling.

-Este

Love is in the air...or is it?

I had intended to go right to sleep when I got home tonight, but once home, I realized that I couldn't sleep without first purging my system of what's on my mind. There isn't much to really purge, since purging generally conotes something bad or unwanted. In general, life is going well for me right now. I'm back home and the sense of unease has mostly dissolved. I was repainting/redecorating my bedroom for a couple weeks. That's mostly done now, I just have to put up my paintings from Mexico and the sketch of my mom and I. I haven't decided where yet, but once they're up, then it will truly be finished. The colour is called Cool Lime, and it's exactly what you'd expect from the name. I absolutely love it. Every time I walk into my room I sigh with relief and relax. It's perfect. I'm back to work as well, started back last weekend. So far I'm only working weekends, but in a couple weeks I'll be getting my full 24 hours/ week. It gives me something close to a $700 paycheck every 2 weeks. Not too shabby. I'm not sure yet if I want to get a second job or not. I would dearly love to be able to pay off my student loan within the next 6 months, but I'm not sure if it's worth not having much of a "weekend" break. I've found that I really need that break or else I start to burn out. I still don't know what I'm doing or not doing about school next September, but it worries me less now than it did a month ago. I'm sure I'll figure it out.

I was thinking the other day, it's been over a year since I've had a functional relationship that's lasted more than a couple of weeks. It made me a little sad. And then I started working again and noticed a couple of guys around there. One is a lifeguard and as such is probably unattainable for anything more than a hit-it-and-quit-it relationship, but I guess you never know. He seems like a nice guy. I'm hesitant to say that he's interested, because I really can't tell if he is, or if he's just really friendly. I had planned to ask him out today, but I never got the chance, nor the same vibe that I got last week. We'll see how it plays out I guess. The other guy is sweet, kind, and most of the other things I look for in a guy. We're at similar stages in our lives, have relatively the same taste in movies, music and tv shows, and we get along great. He had me laughing and, I'll admit it, flirting, all day. Two big problems though.....I work with him....and he's 34. He routinely dates 20 and 21 year olds, so I imagine 19 isn't a far stretch. I'm absolutely positive that he was flirting with me, and asking me loaded questions like "are you going home after your shift or going to meet the boyfriend?" and stuff about society's views on the age difference. We share many of the same life philosophies and I feel like if it weren't for the age difference, I'd be snatching him up in a second. I do have to consider it though, but as Kat so wisely put it: "if you have to decide if you like someone or not...you like them." Something to think about.

I went out for dinner and a movie with Kat today after work. We went to Moxie's, as usual, but we ordered drinks for the first time, since neither one of us had been there since we turned 19. I had a mango cremesicle or something like that. It was really good but had orange juice in it with pulp. I hate pulp. :P I drank it anyway though. After that we hung around for awhile and gossiped, and then went to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It wasn't as funny as I thought it would be, but there were still plenty of laughs the entire movie. It was exactly what I needed. A perfect romantic comedy to play off of my guy uncertainties. It ended exactly the way I hoped it would and was just absolutely perfect. I feel like I'm back in my groove now, so I'm going to bed before that changes.

Unsettled

Something is not quite right. It's not that I'm homesick, per se. It just feels like there is a groove in the universe where I am supposed to be at this moment, and I'm just a little bit off. Maybe it's because it's finally starting to feel like spring, and spring has perpetually reminded me of walking home from the bus stop having taken my jacket off, coming home to Mom making me tour the backyard so I can see all the weeding she's done in her garden on her day off, and sitting on the front step with Dad, talking about his day at work. It seems like ages since I've done any of that, and it makes me wonder if it's only been a year, or if I'm remembering what I want to remember. The last three or four years have been the worst of my life, no doubt about it. I've hurt so many people, myself included, and I just wish I could take those years back, even if it means taking back two great loves, while they lasted, and my experience here in Toronto. On the other hand, losing those years got me to the place I'm at right now, and while it's not entirely pleasant, and not as perfect as I imagined life away from Ottawa and on my own would be, it's the reason why I see those past four years as bad. Because I've grown, and lived, and seen things and I'm a better person for it now. I almost feel like these past 7 months have been one very long and painful therapy session. I started out in denial of my problems, then was forced to meet them head on. I feel like now I've begun to heal, and while it isn't perfect just yet, it's on its way. In truth, I can't decide right now if I want to be here or in Ottawa. I'm looking out my window, watching a Canadian flag flutter in the wind, and it touches me so deeply that there must be some symbolism in it. I'm restless again. It's kind of like I've come full circle. This time I don't know what's causing it. It could be that in 3 weeks I'm going to lose everything I've had for the past 7 months. It could be that the days are getting longer and I just don't know what to do with myself in light of my disastrous fold on university. It could be that my love life is exactly where it was a year ago, but I doubt that. That's one thing I seem to have overcome this year; feeling sorry for myself for being single. It could actually be more trivial, the fact that I have 2 episodes left in a show I've been watching lately (Veronica Mars) and I know the series doesn't end very well. It's very much like finishing a book you've been reading; you feel a little empty inside. Whatever the cause, I hope it goes away soon. My happiness is not something I like to do without.

Cont'

I wrote that on Friday when I was in a terrible mood. Today I'm absolutely fine. I want to get the help I need but I'm afraid. I have to work up the nerve to do it, and I haven't yet. I'm getting there though. I really am.

I write this here instead of in my personal journal because I know that on some level, its too important to keep to myself, but on another level, I really don't know who else to tell.

I need help. I swing between happiness and misery. I have fantastic days, and then I have terrible days, where all I think about is all the bad things I've got going for me.

Yesterday was an excellent day, until something small happened. Two somethings small I guess. We were all excited to go clubbing but when we got there it was a 2 hour wait and we just decided leave. On the way back, a friend of mine texted me to tell me that the guy I was interested in "didn't like me now but could learn to". I texted back saying I wasn't sure I wanted someone to need to learn to like me, and a few minutes later she replied with "he used to like you but doesn't anymore". Neither one of those things should have dented my good mood, but they did. I crashed. About a month ago I asked my roommate to hold onto my pocketknife. I didn't tell her why, but I'm sure she guessed. It was so that I wouldn't do anything stupid with it. Now I really want it back, but I'm not sure if its because I want to cut or because I want to prove to myself that I can have it and not cut.

I want to believe that this is normal. That I can feel this way and not have something wrong with me. Mostly because I don't want to believe that I can be this screwed up. Something like twelve percent of the population cuts, and I believe the number is even higher than that. I want to believe that I can cut and still function, maybe even function better than I would otherwise. If cutting keeps me focused and on track then how can it be so bad?

TBC