Rules are Meant to be Broken?

I am walking an extremely fine line, and don't I know it.

I love my boyfriend. He's this great guy who is amazing and sweet and I know he will never cheat on me. He doesn't have it in him. If only the same were true of me.

I worked with the 34 year old today. As per usual, we chatted about life and relationships and sex, heavy on the sex. I've always felt like if anything ever developed between us, it would be amazing, because we know so much about each other's likes and dislikes. We flirt CONSTANTLY when we work together, and even though I've always had a bit of a thing for him, that's all its ever been. Today I was telling him about how I'm sick of being with inexperienced guys, because it means I have to be the one taking charge and how I would love to be with a more experienced guy so I can just relax and enjoy the ride...no pun intended. For the first time, he made some comment about how if things were different, he would show me a good time. It really surprised me. I knew he was interested, but thats the first time he admitted it out loud. He later asked if he made me nervous, and I said he made me flustered, and of course he latched onto that right away. I think I knew he would. In that moment I wanted him so badly.

On the other hand, I talked to Declan yesterday. Every time I talk to him online, we talk about the same things; if/when I'm going down to visit him, how gorgeous he thinks I am, and how much he enjoyed the blowjob I gave him. When he passed out, one of his self proclaimed "groupies" added me and told me he says I give amazing blowjobs, and asked me for tips. I had already started giving her my secrets when she told me the reason she was asking was so that she could give him a good one, and then I got selfish and kept the rest of my tips to myself. Why should I help her give him *my* blowjob? Lol it's a stupid thing to be selfish for, but whatever. So after giving her tips, she said"I'm gonna go try it, brb". After about 30 seconds, he came back online and was talking to me AS HE WAS GETTING A BLOWJOB. He was telling me that she was good, but that I was better. And as weird as it sounds, it was really cool to be included in that because I KNOW that he was thinking of me and not her. I loved it. I love knowing that he wants me, that he compares other girls to me. Is that selfish?

I guess because of these conversations, I've been thinking a lot about what I want in a relationship, more sexually than anything else, and whether or not I'm getting that. It worries me a little, not because I'm not getting what I want, but because I've started thinking that I can get that elsewhere. I don't have the greatest track record with being faithful, but at least I'm conscious of the fact that I can't do that to Corey. It's just....frustrating. In more ways than one.