I want to hurt him. I want to call him and tell him I can't do this, can't wait for him. I don't mean it. I really don't. I want to be with him, but right now this isn't working. I want to hurt him because right now I'm hurting and he doesn't realize it at all. I want him to call me and refuse to let me hang up until I've told him what's wrong. I want him to promise me something. Anything. I want some sign of commitment, some sign that he really and truly wishes I were there. I give him so much. Money, gifts, affection, my body, space when he asks for it. Where do I fit in? Where are my carefully thought-out gifts? Where is my devotion? Where are all the things that make me feel special and wonderful and wanted? I don't feel wanted. It makes me cry. It makes me cry even more because it makes me cry. I belong to me, so why do I feel like everything I do is for him? And why do I feel like that? I know thats not the way it really is. Why does my counsellor blame all my faults on my father? Maybe I have anxiety, maybe I have abandonment issues, maybe I'm screwed up and incapable of normal healthy relationships. Maybe, just maybe, all this isn't my fault.

I haven't written in here in awhile. I think its because its been awhile since I've had something to say, and no one to say it to.

I want to say I don't think I can do this. I want to say it because the alternative is saying that this really really sucks but that I have no choice and I just have to shut up and suck it up. And that somehow sounds less decisive and independant.

I'm frustrated. I'm annoyed with him for going away. I hate that I have to wait for him to call, that it's not on my terms. I'm supremely irritated that he refused to ask his brother ahead of time if I could come visit, and that the money I would have oh so willingly spent on a plane ticket is now gone, blown on a weekend in Toronto, designed to make me feel better about his leaving. I'm mad that he's off doing what he loves and having a blast, while I'm here watching TV and waiting for his daily 3 minute call. As if that is really going to satisfy me. If anything, it only annoys me more. How many times have I told myself that I wouldn't do this again? Sitting at home waiting for a guy to call. Judging my worth by how much he loves me. He's sweet, and amazing, and I do love him. Only at the moment, I just want to be single.