I want to hurt him. I want to call him and tell him I can't do this, can't wait for him. I don't mean it. I really don't. I want to be with him, but right now this isn't working. I want to hurt him because right now I'm hurting and he doesn't realize it at all. I want him to call me and refuse to let me hang up until I've told him what's wrong. I want him to promise me something. Anything. I want some sign of commitment, some sign that he really and truly wishes I were there. I give him so much. Money, gifts, affection, my body, space when he asks for it. Where do I fit in? Where are my carefully thought-out gifts? Where is my devotion? Where are all the things that make me feel special and wonderful and wanted? I don't feel wanted. It makes me cry. It makes me cry even more because it makes me cry. I belong to me, so why do I feel like everything I do is for him? And why do I feel like that? I know thats not the way it really is. Why does my counsellor blame all my faults on my father? Maybe I have anxiety, maybe I have abandonment issues, maybe I'm screwed up and incapable of normal healthy relationships. Maybe, just maybe, all this isn't my fault.