Parties and Hotness

Sophie, Hanah and I (plus a few of the guys) went to the Stoplight party on Thursday. It sucked at first as there was a definite lack of hotness, but it picked up as the night went on. Sophie danced with a couple guys and I was happy for her, she's been so down lately that I really wanted her to get out and have some fun. She looked gorgeous in this backless halter and she was getting checked out all night. My shirt got me a few looks, but not as many as I'd have liked. It showed my tattoo and a big swatch of my bare back, I loved it. I had sorta been flirting with Yaroslav all week leading up to that, and he'd made a point to ask if I was going to be at the party. He asked me to dance a few times but I turned him down repeatedly. It wasn't that I didn't want to dance with him, I just didn't really want to do it there. Had we danced it would have opened up that whole middle school-esque "Ohmigod! You and Yaroslav!?!" and I really just wanted the night to be fun and simple without any of that. He ended up leaving early, and I ended up dancing with a couple of guys after that. I felt so guilty though, especially since of course it was brought up right in front of him the next night during a drinking party and everyone wanted to know why. I never did give anyone a good explanation.

I definitely have a renewed obsession with hot guys after Declan. I know a former co-worker who is supposed to be in Toronto this coming weekend and with all the sexual tension that has *always* existed between us, I would not be surprised in the slightest if something should happen. Actually, I invite it. I can easily say with no trace of embarrassment, since I first started working with this guy I've wanted to sleep with him. And based on the things he's said to me, while we worked together and afterwards, I'm sure he wouldn't have any objections. The only thing I'm worried about is my body and how it has the worst timing in the world, I'm due that Thursday. But whatever, we'll see.

On that same note: Yaroslav = yummy. I've been talking to him a lot over the past couple weeks. He's one of the few people I can have a philosophical conversation with and come out of it feeling like I've worked out my brain and changed the way I think about something. I really enjoy it. I've missed intellectual conversations here, as bad as that sounds. I usually end up pulling all nighters with Yaroslav and Thomas, and we have the most open and interesting conversations at times like 6am. Like last night/ this morning. The conversation went like this:

-Porn ---> the differences between men and women with respect to porn ---> porn in literature---->these books I have (Kushiel series) ---->a question about how much I relate to the protagonist in the books (a high class hooker).

And then mostly ignoring Thomas, Yaroslav and I had this conversation about what we like in bed. I told him I enjoy a little bit of force, and he asked how much, and I ended up showing him what I meant. I had him stand about a foot away from the wall and shoved him up against it, arms above his head. I'm pretty sure he enjoyed it lol. He commented on it, saying that it was just hard enough that it would get him going, but just weak enough that in about two seconds it would have been me pinned up against that wall. I have not been able to get that image out of my head since then. I have two words for it: DAMN SEXY. That kind of reaction is exactly what I like and its been impossible to find a guy who gets that. Also, he wears Joop, the same cologne that Robert used to wear, so I'm already hooked on the smell of him. And he has an accent (what is it with me and foreign guys?? I'm such a sucker for them.) The major problem: he has a girlfriend back home. Its very long distance, but he seems to care about her very much and has very clear ideas about love and fidelity. I don't know what to do. I'm sooo attracted to this guy and he does flirt with me (I've had other people tell me they notice it too), but he's taken... I told him something yesterday though, in a different context I told him that people are only seduced if they want to be seduced, and he looked at me as if I was on to something. Maybe I was.


-Este

cut

I'd like the preface this by saying that I didn't set out with the intention of looking up info or videos on cutting tonight, it just kinda happened. That being said, I'm glad it happened.

I was watching videos on youtube when I followed a link to another video that ended up being about cutting. It was a great informative video for anyone who doesn't really know what cutting is about, but it also had some very graphic photos. In one scene it said something about how some cuts may be shallow (and showed pictures), and I recognized that thats where I stand on the spectrum. Then it said that some cuts may be deeper, and deeper still, and showed photo examples of each. I'm not really a squeamish person, I clean up blood and vomit for a living, I'm not disturbed by gory movies, but one thing that I am really squeamish about is cutting, go figure. I actually had to look away. It made me realize that I'm not as bad as I could get, and that I really don't want to get that bad. It made me want to stop, instead of making me want to cut like I was worried about when I saw the "trigger warning" label on the video. I watched another couple videos, one with the song Cut by Plumb in it. I looked up the lyrics afterwards with the intention of posting it here, but really theres only a couple lines that I really like from it.

I may seem crazy

Or painfully shy

And these scars wouldn't be so hidden

If you would just look me in the eye

I feel alone here and cold here

Though I don't want to die

But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid

I do not want to die inside just to breathe in

I'm tired of feeling so numb

Relief exists I find it when

I am cut

Pain

I am not alone

I am not alone

In the video that was informative, there were also some good points, something that I think a lot of people do not understand at all. I don't remember the specific wording, but it went something like this:

When you cut, your body releases natural horomones called endorphins, which gives you a happy feeling buzz. When done often, cutting can become addictive, because you become addicted to the happy feeling. It is a physical, psychological and emotional addiction, like drugs or alcohol.

Lastly, I watched this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QK_6EzRijo&NR=1

It's long, about 20 minutes, but it is so good. Its just a girl talking, akin to an online journal, but she makes a lot of very very good points, and she's pretty to boot. Her video is about a boy that she knows and how he self-injures and was called out about it at a party in front of everyone, and her reaction to it. I know its long and no one really wants to sit through it, but she talks about a lot of the things I'm thinking and feeling. I'd really really recommend watching it if you want to understand at all. That goes for anyone reading this. If you want to know how its relevant to me, pay special attention to the parts about how friends react, preaching, how the world sees it, how it makes people who do self-injure react when they're called out about it, SI vs suicide and pretty much the entire last 5 minutes when she starts to become angry.

If after watching it you decide you're just never going to talk to me about it again, rethink it. I am more than happy to sit down with any of you and have a conversation about why I do it and what it means to me, but know that threatening me and simply telling me I have to get help, it doesn't work. I will be perfectly happy to talk until you become irrational or panicky.

Along those lines, the Theraputic Communication center still hasn't called me back, and this desire of mine to get help is fading quickly. That's not to say I want to cut, it just means I don't exactly fancy the idea of dredging up memories and feelings that are just starting to settle again. The water is pretty clear now after this past weekend, no sense in making it murky again.

Please, watch the video, preferably alone. I want so much for you to understand.

-Este

Tonight marked my transition from "maybe I should think about getting some help" to "I need help". I guess I'm wearing long sleeves tomorrow, no need to worry my TA. In a few minutes it'll start to sting, and I'll start to regret. But right now the burning is enough to make me stop. Right now I am mostly calm. Right now I don't want to bleed, just block it out. Right now I don't want to slam my wrist against the wall. Right now I am almost okay. Almost.

Regrets?

Well if I didn't bloody want to cut before, I sure as hell do now. I have so many thoughts spinning around in my head that I don't know how to separate them into coherent sentences. At first it was endearing, he cared enough to be upset. Then it was frustrating. And now I'm just pissed off. It's my fucking life. My skin, my arms, my scars. Where the hell does he get off being so high and mighty about it? I can't help but wonder if he's read the rest of my blog. If he knows how bad I can get. Because lets face it, I know me, and I was okay until all of this got dragged up again. It was one day, one moment of weakness and it didn't help at all and I knew that. I knew that and I wasn't going to do it again. But again, I know my history with this better than anyone else, and talking about it, and thinking about it, its only going to make me want to do it again. Just like the alcohol awareness seminar the other night making everyone want to go out and get drunk. Now it's in the forefront of my brain and I'm all alone for a week to dwell on it. Alone to dwell and alone to act. I don't fucking want to get sucked into all this again, I thought I was done with it after Robert. The last time someone tried to get me to quit, to talk to someone about it, my guidance counsellor threatened to have me hospitalized and I almost ended up with a restraining order against Robert. And guess what? I got worse. Cutters who are faced with ultimatems don't quit, they just find better ways to hide it. I became so bitter about Robert trying to get me to quit, that I ended the relationship. To this day I still dispise him. When I talked to my guidance counsellor, I didn't just tell him about the cutting. I told him about moving in with Robert, my dad's drinking, my mom's overbearingness...everything that drove me to cut in the first place. He was always repeating himself, always trying to give advice, when all I really wanted was someone to listen. When I got to the part about Robert's (then) recent behaviour, the things he said and did, the way he terrified me when he grabbed me and shoved me onto the bed that one time, he started talking about getting the police to pay Robert a visit. In a way I am glad that I talked to my guidance counsellor, even though I was always angry with him for making me be there when I didn't want to be. Maybe cutting is like a fever, and it has to get worse before it gets better. I thought I was better. No, I can't even say that. I'm like a smoker. I can say I'm quitting and not have a cigarette for awhile, but really until I can talk about it and see it and think about it without wanting it, I haven't completely quit.

New Beginnings
As much as I dislike all things medical and professional as they relate to my psychological state, I did what I promised I'd do. Or at the very least, I took the first step. There's a poster up next to the elevators in my building advertising Theraputic Communication. I think it has something to do with training new psychologists, because it says something about "supervised by professionals". They're looking for people to come in and talk about whatever issues they have. I always knew it was something I should do anyways, as marked by the fact that i pulled the number for it off of the poster 2 weeks ago. I guess I do know whats best for me, I just need to have someone shove it in my face for me to accept it. I called the number yesterday. I got a voice recording telling me to leave my name and number and whether or not I give them permission to leave a message on my answering machine. They said they'd be starting within the next month, but I really don't want to wait that long. If this is something I'm willing to do now I've got to do it now while I'm still willing. I thought about going to the counselling clinic or whatever it is thats in the same building as the book store today, but I chickened out, reasoning that if I've already signed up for this other thing I don't know if it would be detrimental to start talking to someone else. That and I was wearing make-up and history has proven to me that if I go and talk to someone about what I'm feeling, that eyeliner and mascara will be down to my chin in no time. I haven't cried often since I've been in Toronto, except for the past few days. I sometimes feel that a good cry and a solid hug would make everything better, but I haven't been able to let myself sink that low yet. Not to mention that solid hug would be pretty hard to come across right now. When I was really bad before, I couldn't cry. I couldn't write either, which isn't so much of a problem for me right now. I'm full of things to write about, but not really able to formulate anything worthwhile. I don't eat either if I'm trying to quit cutting. There was a time in my life that I would starve myself to keep myself from cutting. Substituting one self-injury for another I guess. I haven't cut in a few days, and I'm eating well, thats how I know I'm not hooked again.

Hell hath no fury...
But of course, the cutting is only one part of this. I wouldn't even be thinking about going to get help if it weren't for a guy. How fitting. I keep getting asked by my friends "Do you really like this guy?" because they keep seeing me hurting and trying my damndest to make it work. I keep telling them "Yes, I really do like this guy." Its not a lie. I'm happy when I'm with him, and its not just happiness of being with someone at all. I don't want to guilt him into staying in whatever relationship limbo we've been in recently. I'm not going to tell him that if he ends it I'll start cutting again. Because really, who wants someone who is only there because they have to be? I don't. He says he can't deal with someone as negative as me. That really pisses me off. I am no different now than I was a week ago, and a week ago he still wanted me. At the same time, he gave me a few different lines which I knew perfectly well were attempts to end it and I argued them. After a point I realized, if he's already made up his mind then none of this matters and I gave him a very clear chance to end it. He said I need to figure some things out and that he can't see me until I have. He asked if I was going to get help and I (very grudgingly) agreed. I don't quite know where this leaves us, but I'm betting it isn't good. I don't like the fact that even if I go through with this and get help, I may very well not get anything back. On the other hand, do I even want to be with someone who freaks out when I try to share something with them? This whole thing smacks of being just an excuse to break it off. If that's what it is and there's no chance of anything working out, I'd rather it just be ended now so I can deal with the aftermath of that while I deal with everything else that's wrong in my life, instead of getting back on track just to be hit with another low blow. There's only so much I can take.

~Don't do me any favors

matter of fact why don't you

do yourself a few

your presence ain't nobody's blessing

I've got plenty of other things

I could do

no, not another excuse

your tired silly games

for me are just no use

and now it's plain for me to see

you're with somebody

that you don't want to be

so won't you

please please me like you want to

not like you have to

or won't you just go on and leave me

leaving me is the least that you could do

you could have spared me

so much misery

and told me you just wanted

a friend

believe me there is a difference

when you mean it

and when you pretend

or was I just your habit

cause I know a habit

is a hard thing to break

but won't you spare me

a little mercy

there's only so much

so much that I can take

so won't you

please please me like you want to

not like you have to

or won't you just go on and leave me

leaving me is the least that you could do~

I even told my mom about the whole argument and what it was about. I've done everything within my power to not talk about cutting with her, and here I am willingly bringing it up. That's got to count for something.

What worries me a little is that Sophie is gone this week, until Monday at least. I'm not worried that I'm going to cut again, I'm not that stupid. But this has got to be the worst timing ever. I was so looking forward to taking advantage of not having a roommate. I wasn't even thinking about anything sexual, just having someone to share a bed with, to be held by. A hug does wonders. And now, at a time when I need to be held the most, when I most need to be in the company of someone who cares about me, even just a little bit, now is when I'm left by myself for a week. I just know I'm going to be dwelling on this all week, and in all honesty, I just don't want to be alone. There's one person who could make me feel better instantly, whom I just want to sit down with and explain everything to, and he's not talking to me.

~~~Where are we?

What the hell is going on?

The dust has only just begun to form,

Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.

Spin me round again and rub my eyes.

This can't be happening.

When busy streets a mess with people

would stop to hold their heads heavy.

.....

Hide and seek.

Trains and sewing machines.

(Oh, you won't catch me around here)

Blood and tears,

They were here first.

Mmm, what you say?

Mm, that you only meant well?

Well, of course you did.

Mmm, what you say?

Mm, that it's all for the best?

Ah of course it is.

Mmm, what you say?

Mm, that it's just what we need?

And you decided this.

Mmm what you say?

What did she say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.

Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.

Speak no feeling, no I dont believe you.

You don't care a bit.

don't care a bit.~~

Oh Johnny Cash...

~The needle tears a hole,

The old familiar sting,

Try to kill it all away,

But I remember everything.~

I did it. And I knew exactly what I was doing. I even had the foresight to lock the door in case Sophie came back early. And yes, it hurt, but at the same time it felt so good. I've been wanting to for a couple weeks now. And I know I shouldn't have done it, but really, what's the harm? I'm not going all kamikaze on myself, just a little bit here and there. Its barely visible. As long as everything has faded by the time I go home for Christmas I'll be fine. Otherwise my parents might lock me up. Actually they may well try to stop me from coming back. They already think I'm not doing well here, knowing I've fallen back into my self-destructive tendencies might be the deciding factor. I feel doubly guilty about it since my mom gave me the pocket knife I did it with.

~I need a burning stake

I need a piercing dart

I need something as hot as it is sharp

And I need to bleed

I need to burn

I need a sure thing

And you are a mystery to me~

Nice segue eh? So I'm starting to notice a pattern here. He's all over me at night, in the evening, and if I stay overnight he's all over me at night too. He's affectionate, sweet and boyfriend-y. Then the next morning, nothing. No touching, no hugs, barely paying attention to me. Especially if I go for breakfast with him. Its like he doesn't want people to know I'm "with" him. I don't expect constant attention, far from it, but a little bit of attention or affection goes a long way with me. I'm not a booty-call kind of person. You can't just have me at night and then expect me to disappear or act like nothing has happened in the morning. It doesn't work that way. But if I say something I run the risk of bringing about that whole not wanting a serious relationship if its got an expiry date thing, and I'd rather have what I have now and not be completely satisfied than not have anything at all. I don't know why but the past few days have seemed better. I've had more fun. This afternoon though...I'll admit it, I'm a jealous person, and if he paid attention I'd give him a lot to be jealous about, but he doesn't seem to pay enough attention to notice stuff like that. But I notice and when I see him flirting I don't like it. It doesn't matter that we're not technically an item, I still don't like it. Especially when I'm getting asked if we're officially anything on a regular basis and don't really know what to say. Argh!

Also:

Typical

Hardly the type I fall for

I like when the physical

Don't leave me asking for more

I'm a sexy mama (mama)

Who knows just how to get what I wanna (wanna)

What I want to do is spring this on you (on you)

Back up all of the things that I told you (told you)

You've been saying all the right things all night long

But I can't seem to get you over here to help take this off

Baby, can't you see? (see)

How these clothes are fitting on me (me)

And the heat coming from this beat (beat)

I'm about to blow

I don't think you know

I'm telling you loosen up my buttons baby (Uh huh)

But you keep fronting (Uh)

Saying what you going do to me (Uh huh)

But I ain't seen nothing (Uh)

I'm telling you loosen up my buttons baby (Uh huh)

But you keep fronting (Uh)

Saying what you going do to me (Uh huh)

But I ain't seen nothing (Uh)

You say you're a big boy

But I can't agree'

Cause the love you said you had

Ain't been put on me

I wonder (wonder)

If I'm just too much for you

Wonder (wonder)

If my kiss don't make you just

Wonder (wonder)

What I got next for you

What you want to do? (do)

Take a chance to recognize that this could be yours

I can see, just like most guys that your game don't please

Baby, can't you see? (see)

How these clothes are fitting on me (me)

And the heat coming from this beat (beat)

I'm about to blow

I don't think you know

I'm telling you loosen up my buttons baby (Uh huh)

But you keep fronting (Uh)

Saying what you going do to me (Uh huh)

But I ain't seen nothing (Uh)

~And I don't know if I've ever been really loved

By a hand that's touched me,

well I feel like something's gonna give

And I'm a little bit angry,

...

I wanna push you around,

I will, I will

I wanna push you down,

I will, I will

I wanna take you for granted,

I wanna take you for granted

I will

She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me

Like I'm a little untrusting

when I think that the truth is gonna hurt ya

And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me

You couldn't stand to be near me

When my face don't seem to want to shine

Cuz it's a little bit dirty well

Don't just stand there,

say nice things to me

I've been cheated I've been wronged,

and you

You don't know me,

I can't change

I won't do anything at all.~

That's one of my favourite songs when I'm feeling a little down or confused. It just feels so true. When I've be wronged I am angry, and I do want to push, and I do wonder if I've ever been loved. Also, the song All The Same by Sick Puppies. I'd strongly recommend watching the Free Hugs video on youtube. Every time I hear that song now, after seeing the video, it makes me feel all gooey inside. It's a good feeling.

-Este