Oh Johnny Cash...

~The needle tears a hole,

The old familiar sting,

Try to kill it all away,

But I remember everything.~

I did it. And I knew exactly what I was doing. I even had the foresight to lock the door in case Sophie came back early. And yes, it hurt, but at the same time it felt so good. I've been wanting to for a couple weeks now. And I know I shouldn't have done it, but really, what's the harm? I'm not going all kamikaze on myself, just a little bit here and there. Its barely visible. As long as everything has faded by the time I go home for Christmas I'll be fine. Otherwise my parents might lock me up. Actually they may well try to stop me from coming back. They already think I'm not doing well here, knowing I've fallen back into my self-destructive tendencies might be the deciding factor. I feel doubly guilty about it since my mom gave me the pocket knife I did it with.

~I need a burning stake

I need a piercing dart

I need something as hot as it is sharp

And I need to bleed

I need to burn

I need a sure thing

And you are a mystery to me~

Nice segue eh? So I'm starting to notice a pattern here. He's all over me at night, in the evening, and if I stay overnight he's all over me at night too. He's affectionate, sweet and boyfriend-y. Then the next morning, nothing. No touching, no hugs, barely paying attention to me. Especially if I go for breakfast with him. Its like he doesn't want people to know I'm "with" him. I don't expect constant attention, far from it, but a little bit of attention or affection goes a long way with me. I'm not a booty-call kind of person. You can't just have me at night and then expect me to disappear or act like nothing has happened in the morning. It doesn't work that way. But if I say something I run the risk of bringing about that whole not wanting a serious relationship if its got an expiry date thing, and I'd rather have what I have now and not be completely satisfied than not have anything at all. I don't know why but the past few days have seemed better. I've had more fun. This afternoon though...I'll admit it, I'm a jealous person, and if he paid attention I'd give him a lot to be jealous about, but he doesn't seem to pay enough attention to notice stuff like that. But I notice and when I see him flirting I don't like it. It doesn't matter that we're not technically an item, I still don't like it. Especially when I'm getting asked if we're officially anything on a regular basis and don't really know what to say. Argh!

Also:

Typical

Hardly the type I fall for

I like when the physical

Don't leave me asking for more

I'm a sexy mama (mama)

Who knows just how to get what I wanna (wanna)

What I want to do is spring this on you (on you)

Back up all of the things that I told you (told you)

You've been saying all the right things all night long

But I can't seem to get you over here to help take this off

Baby, can't you see? (see)

How these clothes are fitting on me (me)

And the heat coming from this beat (beat)

I'm about to blow

I don't think you know

I'm telling you loosen up my buttons baby (Uh huh)

But you keep fronting (Uh)

Saying what you going do to me (Uh huh)

But I ain't seen nothing (Uh)

I'm telling you loosen up my buttons baby (Uh huh)

But you keep fronting (Uh)

Saying what you going do to me (Uh huh)

But I ain't seen nothing (Uh)

You say you're a big boy

But I can't agree'

Cause the love you said you had

Ain't been put on me

I wonder (wonder)

If I'm just too much for you

Wonder (wonder)

If my kiss don't make you just

Wonder (wonder)

What I got next for you

What you want to do? (do)

Take a chance to recognize that this could be yours

I can see, just like most guys that your game don't please

Baby, can't you see? (see)

How these clothes are fitting on me (me)

And the heat coming from this beat (beat)

I'm about to blow

I don't think you know

I'm telling you loosen up my buttons baby (Uh huh)

But you keep fronting (Uh)

Saying what you going do to me (Uh huh)

But I ain't seen nothing (Uh)

~And I don't know if I've ever been really loved

By a hand that's touched me,

well I feel like something's gonna give

And I'm a little bit angry,

...

I wanna push you around,

I will, I will

I wanna push you down,

I will, I will

I wanna take you for granted,

I wanna take you for granted

I will

She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me

Like I'm a little untrusting

when I think that the truth is gonna hurt ya

And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me

You couldn't stand to be near me

When my face don't seem to want to shine

Cuz it's a little bit dirty well

Don't just stand there,

say nice things to me

I've been cheated I've been wronged,

and you

You don't know me,

I can't change

I won't do anything at all.~

That's one of my favourite songs when I'm feeling a little down or confused. It just feels so true. When I've be wronged I am angry, and I do want to push, and I do wonder if I've ever been loved. Also, the song All The Same by Sick Puppies. I'd strongly recommend watching the Free Hugs video on youtube. Every time I hear that song now, after seeing the video, it makes me feel all gooey inside. It's a good feeling.

-Este