I was watching videos on youtube when I followed a link to another video that ended up being about cutting. It was a great informative video for anyone who doesn't really know what cutting is about, but it also had some very graphic photos. In one scene it said something about how some cuts may be shallow (and showed pictures), and I recognized that thats where I stand on the spectrum. Then it said that some cuts may be deeper, and deeper still, and showed photo examples of each. I'm not really a squeamish person, I clean up blood and vomit for a living, I'm not disturbed by gory movies, but one thing that I am really squeamish about is cutting, go figure. I actually had to look away. It made me realize that I'm not as bad as I could get, and that I really don't want to get that bad. It made me want to stop, instead of making me want to cut like I was worried about when I saw the "trigger warning" label on the video. I watched another couple videos, one with the song Cut by Plumb in it. I looked up the lyrics afterwards with the intention of posting it here, but really theres only a couple lines that I really like from it.
I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside
I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone
In the video that was informative, there were also some good points, something that I think a lot of people do not understand at all. I don't remember the specific wording, but it went something like this:
When you cut, your body releases natural horomones called endorphins, which gives you a happy feeling buzz. When done often, cutting can become addictive, because you become addicted to the happy feeling. It is a physical, psychological and emotional addiction, like drugs or alcohol.
Lastly, I watched this video.
It's long, about 20 minutes, but it is so good. Its just a girl talking, akin to an online journal, but she makes a lot of very very good points, and she's pretty to boot. Her video is about a boy that she knows and how he self-injures and was called out about it at a party in front of everyone, and her reaction to it. I know its long and no one really wants to sit through it, but she talks about a lot of the things I'm thinking and feeling. I'd really really recommend watching it if you want to understand at all. That goes for anyone reading this. If you want to know how its relevant to me, pay special attention to the parts about how friends react, preaching, how the world sees it, how it makes people who do self-injure react when they're called out about it, SI vs suicide and pretty much the entire last 5 minutes when she starts to become angry.
If after watching it you decide you're just never going to talk to me about it again, rethink it. I am more than happy to sit down with any of you and have a conversation about why I do it and what it means to me, but know that threatening me and simply telling me I have to get help, it doesn't work. I will be perfectly happy to talk until you become irrational or panicky.
Along those lines, the Theraputic Communication center still hasn't called me back, and this desire of mine to get help is fading quickly. That's not to say I want to cut, it just means I don't exactly fancy the idea of dredging up memories and feelings that are just starting to settle again. The water is pretty clear now after this past weekend, no sense in making it murky again.
Please, watch the video, preferably alone. I want so much for you to understand.
-Este
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