I want to hurt him. I want to call him and tell him I can't do this, can't wait for him. I don't mean it. I really don't. I want to be with him, but right now this isn't working. I want to hurt him because right now I'm hurting and he doesn't realize it at all. I want him to call me and refuse to let me hang up until I've told him what's wrong. I want him to promise me something. Anything. I want some sign of commitment, some sign that he really and truly wishes I were there. I give him so much. Money, gifts, affection, my body, space when he asks for it. Where do I fit in? Where are my carefully thought-out gifts? Where is my devotion? Where are all the things that make me feel special and wonderful and wanted? I don't feel wanted. It makes me cry. It makes me cry even more because it makes me cry. I belong to me, so why do I feel like everything I do is for him? And why do I feel like that? I know thats not the way it really is. Why does my counsellor blame all my faults on my father? Maybe I have anxiety, maybe I have abandonment issues, maybe I'm screwed up and incapable of normal healthy relationships. Maybe, just maybe, all this isn't my fault.

I haven't written in here in awhile. I think its because its been awhile since I've had something to say, and no one to say it to.

I want to say I don't think I can do this. I want to say it because the alternative is saying that this really really sucks but that I have no choice and I just have to shut up and suck it up. And that somehow sounds less decisive and independant.

I'm frustrated. I'm annoyed with him for going away. I hate that I have to wait for him to call, that it's not on my terms. I'm supremely irritated that he refused to ask his brother ahead of time if I could come visit, and that the money I would have oh so willingly spent on a plane ticket is now gone, blown on a weekend in Toronto, designed to make me feel better about his leaving. I'm mad that he's off doing what he loves and having a blast, while I'm here watching TV and waiting for his daily 3 minute call. As if that is really going to satisfy me. If anything, it only annoys me more. How many times have I told myself that I wouldn't do this again? Sitting at home waiting for a guy to call. Judging my worth by how much he loves me. He's sweet, and amazing, and I do love him. Only at the moment, I just want to be single.

Crazy to want this, even for awhile...

Is it possible to be happy and still want to cry every time I hang up the phone? Is it crazy to think that I'm in love when getting out of the car breaks my heart? Or is it more likely? Does it make sense that I want to be with him so badly that it hurts to say goodnight? Am I just crazy clingy and that's why this never works out? Am I overstepping a boundary to want to see him more than one a week? It is good for us, and he is right. Infatuation is wanting everything right now, love is thinking long-term. Only seeing him once a week keeps me excited and interested, and only spending the night with him maybe once every 3 weeks makes me cherish being in his arms. Is that what makes me think I'm in love? My mind tells me I'm infatuated. My logical self tells me we've only been together for 3 months and we haven't spent nearly enough time together for me to truly love him. My heart tells me differently. I look at him and feel that warmth in my chest. He holds me and I close my eyes and melt. I see his name on my caller ID and my heart speeds up.
Vulnerability has always fascinated me. I feel far too vulnerable to tell him how I feel. I know he doesn't feel it. I know he wants to someday, just like someday I want to share my life with him, but at the moment, it's not there. Do I have the strength to tell him how much I care about him, knowing he can't truthfully say it back? I am strong enough. I have to be, because I do this to myself.

It was like shooting a sitting duck
A little small talk, a smile and baby I was stuck
I still don't know what you've done with me
A grown-up woman should never fall so easily
I feel a kind of fear
When I don't have you near
Unsatisfied
I skip my pride
I beg you dear
Don't go wasting your emotion
Lay all your love on me

I, too, am sick of wondering

I am destined to forever be that girl who falls too fast and too hard, and ends up with her heart broken.

I want so badly to mean something to him. I know I mean *something*, but I want to *mean* something.

We're so similar, he and I. We have the same taste in music, movies, humour... We're at similar points in our lives, despite the obvious age difference. We have similiar and complimenting personalities. I love his dog, his house, his outlook on life... I'm understanding of his past, which is as painful and complicated as my own, and I hope to one day fill him on how I got to be the person I am. As far as I can tell, we're similar, if not a perfect match, in the bedroom. And if kissing is any indication, we're as compatible as peanut butter and jelly.

I'm always looking for the problem that isn't really there, and this is no exception.

He told me last week that he's falling for me. It gave me goosebumps and I think my heart skipped a beat. I asked him later if he meant it, or if it was something he said in the heat of the moment, that he thought I'd want to hear. He said it was a bit of both. Ever since then I've wanted to tell him that I too am falling. I'm afraid though. I'm hesitant to share how I'm feeling with him, not because I don't trust him, I do, with almost anything, but because I don't want to scare him off.

I'd be hesitant in any relationship, but the particulars of this one make it especially difficult. Because I'm so much younger, I don't want him to think I'm immature or silly or over-the-top. He told me today he thinks I'm a little conservative with my PDAs. I realized that maybe I don't have to be so restrained. Maybe in that sense I can show him a little more of myself, of how I feel. There's so many times that I want to put my arms around him or kiss him or just hold his hand, but I hold back, thinking maybe it's too much. And then there's the matter of the relationship itself.

I asked him on Saturday, jokingly, what we're doing, the two of us. It's a question we often joke about, since the situation is so absurd. He told me with a chuckle, though sounding serious "We're getting to know each other." Well I may still be getting to know him, but I'm loving what I'm seeing, and I'm more than ready to jump in headfirst and make this official. But it's these kinds of answers that make me hesitate. He reminds of Declan and his "oh we're just kissing" answer to what we were. I can't help the fact that I need that definition. That's just the way I am. For me to not know drives me nuts. But if I push it, and ask again and again, I know enough from experience that the straight answer I finally get will not be the one I want to hear. And I am so determined this time around not to screw this up, that I'll do whatever it takes. I just hope I'm still sane by the end of it. ...or at least as sane as I was to begin with.

~I could let you undress me, but I warn you, I have thorns like any rose.~

-Este

Untitled

Don’t ask me what his name is,
You don’t really want to know.
Don’t ask me how I met him,
It lets your insecurity show.
Don’t ask me what he looks like,
He’s just like every other man.
Don’t ask me what my friends think,
Another guilt that I outran.
Don’t ask me why I did it,
It was the devil in my ear.
Don’t ask me why I told you,
That part isn’t very clear.
Don’t ask if I enjoyed it,
I won’t speak another lie.
Don’t ask if it was worth it,
I have no more tears to cry.
Don’t ask me who is better,
You have everything he lacks.
Don’t tell me that you love me,
I fear I just might say it back.


I haven't actually done anything to merit this poem, but it was my way of sorting through, and ultimately realizing that I can't do that to Corey. I quite like it anyway.

Rules are Meant to be Broken?

I am walking an extremely fine line, and don't I know it.

I love my boyfriend. He's this great guy who is amazing and sweet and I know he will never cheat on me. He doesn't have it in him. If only the same were true of me.

I worked with the 34 year old today. As per usual, we chatted about life and relationships and sex, heavy on the sex. I've always felt like if anything ever developed between us, it would be amazing, because we know so much about each other's likes and dislikes. We flirt CONSTANTLY when we work together, and even though I've always had a bit of a thing for him, that's all its ever been. Today I was telling him about how I'm sick of being with inexperienced guys, because it means I have to be the one taking charge and how I would love to be with a more experienced guy so I can just relax and enjoy the ride...no pun intended. For the first time, he made some comment about how if things were different, he would show me a good time. It really surprised me. I knew he was interested, but thats the first time he admitted it out loud. He later asked if he made me nervous, and I said he made me flustered, and of course he latched onto that right away. I think I knew he would. In that moment I wanted him so badly.

On the other hand, I talked to Declan yesterday. Every time I talk to him online, we talk about the same things; if/when I'm going down to visit him, how gorgeous he thinks I am, and how much he enjoyed the blowjob I gave him. When he passed out, one of his self proclaimed "groupies" added me and told me he says I give amazing blowjobs, and asked me for tips. I had already started giving her my secrets when she told me the reason she was asking was so that she could give him a good one, and then I got selfish and kept the rest of my tips to myself. Why should I help her give him *my* blowjob? Lol it's a stupid thing to be selfish for, but whatever. So after giving her tips, she said"I'm gonna go try it, brb". After about 30 seconds, he came back online and was talking to me AS HE WAS GETTING A BLOWJOB. He was telling me that she was good, but that I was better. And as weird as it sounds, it was really cool to be included in that because I KNOW that he was thinking of me and not her. I loved it. I love knowing that he wants me, that he compares other girls to me. Is that selfish?

I guess because of these conversations, I've been thinking a lot about what I want in a relationship, more sexually than anything else, and whether or not I'm getting that. It worries me a little, not because I'm not getting what I want, but because I've started thinking that I can get that elsewhere. I don't have the greatest track record with being faithful, but at least I'm conscious of the fact that I can't do that to Corey. It's just....frustrating. In more ways than one.

~I want to be your favourite hello and your hardest goodbye. ~

I just saw that on a bumper sticker and I love it. It's exactly what I want. And here's another quote:

"When you've found the person you want to spend the rest of you life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

I find that true too. Maybe I'm just being a hopeless romantic, but I can honestly see the rest of my life with this guy. I can plan the rest of my life, and know that I'll be happy every day that I'm with him...

What I wouldn't give to be back in the days when people married young without the social stigma. I would marry him in a heartbeat. Honestly.