I feel this desire to explain a lot of things about myself. Carl told me a few weeks ago while he, Thomas and I were pulling an all nighter, that I don't have to explain, that no one will think any less of me. That was before he overheard me telling Hanah I've had sex in the bushes at GHS. He said I just dropped a little lower on his coolness scale.
I spent last night hanging out with Carl. We went to McDonald's around 11 and then I hung out in his room, both of us trying to do homework until about 5am, at which point I gave up and decided I was going to sleep and would sleep through my class in the morning. It was fun. I have great conversations with him. We talked about Friday night and the long drunken game of truth or dare that we all played, and the things that were said. According to him, I'm the "it" girl of the floor. It doesn't make sense to me. If anything, it should be Sophie with all her Californian charm, but she's never around and doesn't really make an effort to hang out with the guys like I do. I love the guys on my floor. Several things came up during the game of truth or dare, including some rather interesting dares. I had my neck licked by one of the guys, kissed another girl, almost did a body shot off of another girl before someone changed their dare...I was also asked a lot of questions. The downside is that I'm already so liberal and open with the people I live with, there really wasn't much they could ask that they didn't already know. One guy (who is pretty much in love with me, as per the running joke on the floor) was dared to freestyle how he feels about me. His rap included wanting to have sex with me and ejaculate on my chest. I kid you not. I knew he liked me, I just didn't expect that. I keep telling people he's harmless, because I'm not offended or freaked out about the things that he says. He's not going to act upon anything, and if nothing else, it's a compliment. Another tidbit of info I learned from drunk people asking more drunk people questions, is that apparently I'm one of the hotter girls on the floor, as proven on the first day when Thomas asked Carl "Hey, did you see Jen?", and Carl replied with a "Yeah, *laugh* I saw her." (Had to be there when they were talking about it. It was a really fun night and I learned a fair bit about everyone and more than I wanted to know about some. Talking to Carl last night was really nice though. We always end up talking about relationships and last night he went through all the eligible (and some not) bachelors on the floor, asking me if I could see them in relationships and whether or not I would date them. I said I wouldn't date most of them, and I couldn't really see all that many of them in relationships. He mentioned asking about himself, but didn't "cause that would just be awkward" but he eventually asked if I could see him in a relationship. I can't really. He said he would be a good boyfriend, but that he doesn't want to settle. I said that no one should have to settle and he agreed. He told me I'm pretty, and a good person with a nice personality, and that I shouldn't have to settle. I don't know what I would have said if he'd asked if I could see myself with him. The truth is: I kinda can. He's a really really close friend of mine and I miss those kinds of friends so much here. Kathleen at home is good if I just want to spill my guts, and Daydreamer is great for when I want to analyze stuff, but Carl is good if I'm looking to vent and get some advice, and that's so much more useful. I tell him pretty much all of my guy troubles and confusions. He tells me I should live for today and not worry about tomorrow, and that I deserve to be treated well, and if I ever think I'm settling or being treated badly at all, then to get out of it because it's not worth it. I love talking to him. I have to admit, I was waiting all night for some kind of awkwardness or comment or something, since Friday night when I was kinda cuddled up to him for a couple hours, but nothing really came. I'm glad, I don't know how I'd have dealt with it. It's one of those things that I kind of want, but know that I shouldn't want.
He asks me why I'm so guarded all the time. He knows I don't trust guys, as do lots of people, but he's the only one who has tried to figure out why. The only one who has made an effort, and I like that. If you want me, even just as a friend, you need to make some kind of effort. When Carl talks to me, he's really listening, and he remembers all these things that I don't even remember saying. He seems to be more interested in my mind than my body, and that means a hell of a lot. I tell him a lot of stuff about Declan, and my sketchy guy, and he attempts to decipher the male behaviour for me. I tell him about what I'm worried about, and let all my insecurities bleed through.

I could say more about the things going on in my life, concerns and exciting things and all sorts, but I don't really have the time or the effort at the moment, and this is already long enough.

All comments welcome.

-Este