Unsettled

Something is not quite right. It's not that I'm homesick, per se. It just feels like there is a groove in the universe where I am supposed to be at this moment, and I'm just a little bit off. Maybe it's because it's finally starting to feel like spring, and spring has perpetually reminded me of walking home from the bus stop having taken my jacket off, coming home to Mom making me tour the backyard so I can see all the weeding she's done in her garden on her day off, and sitting on the front step with Dad, talking about his day at work. It seems like ages since I've done any of that, and it makes me wonder if it's only been a year, or if I'm remembering what I want to remember. The last three or four years have been the worst of my life, no doubt about it. I've hurt so many people, myself included, and I just wish I could take those years back, even if it means taking back two great loves, while they lasted, and my experience here in Toronto. On the other hand, losing those years got me to the place I'm at right now, and while it's not entirely pleasant, and not as perfect as I imagined life away from Ottawa and on my own would be, it's the reason why I see those past four years as bad. Because I've grown, and lived, and seen things and I'm a better person for it now. I almost feel like these past 7 months have been one very long and painful therapy session. I started out in denial of my problems, then was forced to meet them head on. I feel like now I've begun to heal, and while it isn't perfect just yet, it's on its way. In truth, I can't decide right now if I want to be here or in Ottawa. I'm looking out my window, watching a Canadian flag flutter in the wind, and it touches me so deeply that there must be some symbolism in it. I'm restless again. It's kind of like I've come full circle. This time I don't know what's causing it. It could be that in 3 weeks I'm going to lose everything I've had for the past 7 months. It could be that the days are getting longer and I just don't know what to do with myself in light of my disastrous fold on university. It could be that my love life is exactly where it was a year ago, but I doubt that. That's one thing I seem to have overcome this year; feeling sorry for myself for being single. It could actually be more trivial, the fact that I have 2 episodes left in a show I've been watching lately (Veronica Mars) and I know the series doesn't end very well. It's very much like finishing a book you've been reading; you feel a little empty inside. Whatever the cause, I hope it goes away soon. My happiness is not something I like to do without.