HOWARD: STOP READING


It is a strange thing that a person can attend the same event two years in a row, experience it as differently as humanly possible, and still come out feeling the same. There’s so many things I want to say about prom, things that occurred to me throughout the night, things that I want to remember, and sure, things that I’d like to forget. The bulk of these things are lost now, due in part to the amount of alcohol I consumed (albeit little), the sheer craziness of the night, the number of things going on, and the good night’s sleep. What hasn’t scattered in the wind of my brain, I will attempt to relate here.

Last year, I attended prom with Troy. We spent time with his friends, we didn’t drink, we stayed in a hotel room just the two of us, he was sweet and caring and it was an incredibly romantic and perfect night.

What a difference. This year I attended with my best friends. I had a blast through most of it. I wasn’t thinking about my boyfriend and what he wanted to do, I was thinking about myself and looking out for my friends, something I don’t mind doing in the slightest. I drank this year, discovering that screwdrivers taste just as disgusting as I thought they would, and that Smirnoff is pretty damn tasty after you get past the first couple sips. That may well beat out rum and coke as my drink of choice. I also got a hotel room this year with those three friends and I’m very glad that I did. Everyone was having a great time at one point or another during the night, and the fact that we were all there together made for an almost perfect night.

The feeling that remained the same over the two years though, is the feeling that something is missing.

You don’t want to hurt me/
Baby don’t worry/
I’m not gonna let you.

I’m sure you’ve heard the story. At about 4 am last year, I woke up and got a glass of water and went to look out the window. The view was amazing. After a minute, Troy got up and did the same, standing behind me and holding me close. We could have been there for a minute or it could have been an hour, I honestly don’t know. But for however long it was, I was willing myself not to cry, because I knew that in a week he would be in England for a month and I didn’t want to lose him. Looking back now, a month seems so small, so infinitesimal in the grand scheme of things. And maybe I did lose him that month. Maybe he did cheat on me, as I’ve long suspected. Something must have happened to make him come home and tell me he didn’t love me anymore. That’s beside the point though.

This year, at 3 am, just before bed, I stood and looked out the hotel window, waiting to feel something wash over me. Instead I saw a different view, from a different floor on the opposite side of the hotel, with different people in the room, having had a different night. I was struck by how much life can change in one year. I thought I’d be with Troy forever, I honestly thought he was the one. But here I am one year later, 9 months after he broke up with me, without him, and feeling pretty damn good about it. It took a long time and a lot of missed opportunities, but I got over him and I’m a better person now for it. I’ve surrounded myself with people who do love me now. Who love me for who I am and who I could be. Who want the best for me. I feel safe, loved, and comfortable when I’m around them. I have a full and fulfilling life right now. But still, something is missing.


Looking around last night at all the couples, I realized something. I’m lonely. I need someone to love. I have my friends, yes, but it’s not the same at all. I need someone to hold and to be held by, someone to kiss and be kissed by, someone to touch and be touched by. This all hit me at about the 3rd sip of my second drink, which is why I gave it away. I was on the verge of crying, and really didn’t want to do anything I might regret later. Although I’m completely sober and crying now, funny isn’t it? Dancing with Andrew was fun. I really enjoyed it. We were almost grinding a couple times and I wanted so badly to do it, just to feel something, but I held back. It would have been nice to know that I still have an effect on guys. I think my past boyfriends would agree, when it comes to pleasing a guy, I’m pretty good, but getting involved in any sense with Andrew never turns out well for me. It would have been nice to get drunk and let go, but I didn’t want to regret last night.

And then there’s the more sexual/ physical side of all this. I haven’t had sex in over 9 months. And yeah, I miss it. I was sitting at dinner, leaning against the table, and absolutely dying for someone to run their hand across my bare back. To be touched romantically in any way.

Don’t kiss me like this, unless you mean it like that, if you do baby kiss me again.

But I gotta think twice/Before I give my heart away/And I know all the games you play/Because I play them too/Oh, but I need some time off/From that emotion/Time to pick my heart up off the floor.

I finally got my hug. Two actually. The first was a bit of a letdown, like I knew it would be. The second was better, but I wish it had lasted longer. Fuck I miss being held. I miss my friend. I miss being a girlfriend, even though I’ve often said that lately I just want to date. But really, what can I do? I’m moving in two months for four years, then coming back to Ottawa. It’s immature and irresponsible to start a relationship with anyone, knowing I’m only here for two months and I can’t see myself doing a long distance relationship very well. I need that physical comfort too badly. And in Toronto? I’m only there for 4 years, is it responsible and in everyone’s best interests to start a relationship knowing it has an expiration date? I don’t know. Of course, to have a relationship I first need to find someone who is interested in me, which is a feat and a half on its own.

It’s hard for me to know/
Sometimes I feel like letting go/
But what if it all means something/
What if it all means something?

I bet it makes you laugh/Watching me work so hard to reach you/You never gave a damn/About all of those things I did to please you/
All that you wanted, you found somewhere else/And nothing could drag you away from yourself/Do you really know me at all?/Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?/Are you ever gonna be that real to me?/
…We’re left with nothing but a shadow of a doubt.


And anyone can tell/
You think you know me well/
But you don't know me…
Oh I am just a friend/
That's all I've ever been/
Cause you don't know me…
Afraid and shy/
I let my chance go by/
The chance that you might love me too…
Oh you will never know/
The one who loves you so/
Well you don't know me.

You’ve got wits/
You’ve got looks/
You’ve got passion/
But I swear you’ve got me all wrong.


Parts of last night were fun, I had a blast dancing with my friends. Parts were just shocks to me. Looking around the room and realizing; this is it. Last night marked the end of my high school career, and I will likely never see many of those people again. I really wish I’d taken the time to get to know everyone as well as I could have. For someone with my “no regrets” philosophy, there are quite a few things that I regret in the past few months. But then again, what is Toronto really? A fresh start. A chance to choose who and what from my past I want in my life, as opposed to just having to live with it. There are a lot of people I don’t want to lose touch with. I’m not scared anymore. Now I’m just sad.

But I’m a strong person. Or at least I like to think I am. Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. I love you guys.

I get knocked down/
But I get up again/
You're never gonna keep me down.

I know it all means something.

-Este