Scattered Thoughts

I keep a small notebook in my school bag at all times. When I feel like writing, or have something I want to express, I flip to a random blank page in the notebook and write. Nothing that goes longer than 2 pages is in chronological order in the notebook. Often I don't write anything. But occasionally I find some kind of personal well and am able to write what I'm really feeling, freely, because no one will ever read it. If you read straight through my notebook today, cover to cover, this is what you would read:

(From a test I took in business)
I am a;
-slightly expressed introvert
-slightly expressed sensing personality
-distinctly expressed feeling personality
-slightly expressed judging personality

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(A long note between Kesh and I on the cruise, expressing my frustration over Davey's jealousy and essentially stating that we were both interested.)

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March 28th/07
Maybe some people aren't meant to be in relationships. I'll think everything is fine and going well with a new guy, and I'll like him a lot, and then all of a sudden something will change. I'll find a problem with him. I like Kesh. I really do, even though he'd not my type at all. He's funny, we have a lot in common and I like being around him. The problem is he's so busy. And he's the kind of person who goes to bed really early. I don't have time for someone who doesn't have time for me. It sounds so self-centered and self-absorbed to say so, but its true. That's one of the things I have no patience for. I want a relationship with Kesh but I'm not sure it will work if he doesn't have time for me. It irritates me. He said he'd make the effort to be on msn so we could talk, and he was, but he was only online for 20 minutes. When he left he asked if he could call me tonight. I said he could but I might not be home. When he left I was angry at him. It seemed that he couldn't be bothered to change his habits to see me. If he can't be bothered then neither can I.

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March 21st/2007
There's something to be said for life's little miracles. The rising of the sun, the laugh of a child, the meeting of a friend in a crowded hallway.

For a long time, I haven't had anyone to look for in the halls. I've had crushes, sure, but no one who has looked for me as well. There was Chris, whom I looked for because we shared a dangerous secret. There was really no interest in his mind, only in what he could offer me in ways of physical companionship. There was Cory, who never cared about me. I never was able to connect with him like I wanted to. Not emotionally, or mentally, or physically. And now here I am again, walking down the halls, looking for someone I know I'm not going to see. Kesh doesn't even go to this school and I'm still looking for him.

(This is over a month old, and parts of it still hold true. I have no feelings for Kesh anymore, but I did spend all day today scanning the halls for someone.)

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(Notes from....human growth? maybe Family Studies about play. I wanted to write something deep and meaningful about it, but I never got that far.)

-play
-even though we got hurt, we'd still do it again

Life was so much simpler when we were young.

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(A poem, based on a concept I learned in Family Studies.)

April 24th/2007

Social Exchange Theory-
sounds so grand and official
so scientific,
a logical assessment of an emotional thing.
Does it not suffice to say
That I'm just not getting what I'm giving?
I need more,
Not from you,
But from him.
Social Exchange Theory,
sounds so cold and heartless,
but maybe it's simpler than saying
you're not enough?

(written about Kesh)

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April 25th, 2007

I dreamt of you last night. A deja vu of sorts. An extension of another dream. Dusk, the sun sitting low in the sky. You, sitting low in the sand. I sat next to you, close against the cold. You spoke to me then, and took my hand, and my heart rejoiced. Then I woke up, and came to school, expecting something to be different. I know what I want now. But how do I get it?

(In ancient mythology, people often believed that the gods came to them in dreams. In the books I'm reading, the main character doesn't sleep well and is troubled by dreams she can't decipher. She finally visits a dream expert of sorts, and he tells her what her dreams are trying to tell her. I just naturally assumed that my dream was telling me something.)

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(Poem, based off of notes I took about intimacy in Family Studies)

April 26th, 2007

No one is perfect,
We are all vulnerable,
All susceptible to fear,
All ashamed to let go,
To be ourselves,
And intimate,
At the same time.
But with you-
I feel the kind of vulnerability I don't mind having-
you won't expose me.
You let me keep who I am,
and I'm not afraid to show you who that is.
So even though I'm damaged goods,
you give me the confidence
to be vulnerable.
And that is perfection.

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(Written on the cruise, late at night after the crazy wind. I'm thinking of putting it in the gazette as a end of the year/graduation editorial.)

March 13th, 2007

We are amused by the simplest things. This is an undeniable fact of society. What is not so evident, however, is that the simplest things in this world are often the most majestical.
I was on a cruise this past March break and I had the privledge of experiencing a truly magical moment. After midnight one night, a group of 8 close friends and I took a trip up to the ship's deck. It was pitch black and the stars contrasted beautifully with the massive expanse of night sky that was visible. The view in itself was enough to make the night unforgettable, but what truly made the midnight trek so special was another one of life's natural beauties; the wind. Standing at the top deck at the bow of the ship, the wind was so strong that one could literally jump into the wind and be pushed backwards. Somewhere in between a hundred photos and a million laughs, I came to the realization that your friends are some of the most important people you'll ever meet in your life.

(It went on with some notes)

-graduation-leaving friends behind

(and a possible conclusion)

-"So life might revolve around the simple things, but always remember that the simplest things are often the most majestic, no matter if its the love of a good friend, or simply the force of a very strong wind."

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(Notes about April's Gator Gazette, too boring to copy over here.)

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(Undated, but was written today, edited slightly.)

I've never been that overly confident person. I'm not that girl who sits in the back of the class and shouts out comments. I'm not able to walk into a room and know every eye is on me. But I can walk into a classroom full of grade 9s and 10s and speak naturally to them. And I can smile and flirt with any guy who looks at me with interest. I have my own areas of confidence.
You're one of my best friends, and I want to be with you. We haven't spoken in two days and I miss you like crazy. It takes 28 days to break a habit, and I don't want to pass the next 26 feeling like I do now.
This is ridiculous. I'm not in love with you. I know I'm not. And yet this is more intense than infatuation. I don't know what you want, and at this rate, I don't even know if you want anything at all. My own areas of confidence are simple. I can manipulate situations, nudge you to make certain decisions, but only if you play the game as well. But now you're breaking the rules, and I've got nothing to go on. Give me something, anything, and I promise I'll do my best to be what you want.

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~Give me your heart, make it real, or else forget about it.~

~You need to realize that sometimes, its just not okay.~ -OLP

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(the rest is all doodles and drawings.)

Today, right this second.

I'm at a loss. I'm usually pretty sure of what the other person in a relationship is thinking, and the only confusion is sorting out my own thoughts and feelings. In this case the only thing I am sure about is how I feel, I don't have a clue as to the rest and I don't know where to go from here. I want to be with him, but I don't know what he wants, and I don't want to push anything that might end up costing me a good friend. I just flat out don't know what to do.