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I'm torn. I like two guys. Really like two guys. Two very different guys for very different reasons. And because of the Family Studies work thats recently been drilled into my head, I'm going to use a CAF/PMI so make this a bit clearer, if only to myself. For anyone reading whom I just lost: CAF means Consider All Factors. PMI means Plus/Minus/Interesting.
KESH
PLUS
-he makes me feel special, like I'm really important to him
-he does sweet things for me
-he makes me laugh with all the comments he makes about everything
-he's a good kisser/good at making out (there's a difference)
-no one at my school knows him/no one will start up the "omg you're dating..." thing
-i like his friends
-we have the same tastes in music and movies
-he thinks I'm smart and tough and don't take any shit from anyone
-I know he likes me and isn't going anywhere anytime soon
-I like his mom and his brothers (from what I can tell)
-he reads
-he's seen me at my best and worst (appearance wise) and likes me anyway.
MINUS
-he's always busy/doesn't have much time for me
-I barely know him
-his hands wander FAR too much for someone who doesn't know me that well
-he doesn't stop wandering when I ask him to, and i often have to hold his hands in "safe" areas
-beyond making out, he's inexperienced
-he's too goofy for my tastes and i often feel embarrassed by him around my friends
-he's pushy
-I don't feel like I can be myself around him
-I wouldn't go to him with my problems
-I feel like I'm being forced into a relationship with him
-he's not my type at all
-I don't feel comfortable with him
-I don't trust him
-I'm not very physically attracted to him.
-he's never seen me at my worst emotionally.
INTERESTING (NOT GOOD OR BAD BUT SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT)
-I'm already dating him, if not his "girlfriend"
-I don't feel that I can let myself go with him and let his hands wander, possibly because I haven't decided if I want to be his girlfriend yet.
-I met him on my trip and, lets be honest, it was a fling of opportunity, because life on the ship is so confined, you forget that there's an outside world, and I'm not sure I considered the idea of continuing the relationship after the trip when I started it.
-he asked me yesterday if I would reconsider the girlfriend thing, because he really wants to be able to call me his girlfriend.
-right from the very beginning (after the trip) I was hesitant to be his girlfriend, because I didn't want to be tied down to one guy, maybe I just don't want to be tied to him?
-he doesn't have a job.
-I already feel a bit of a power struggle.
-he calls me hot, not beautiful.
OR
CRAIG
PLUS
-I know him.
-I trust him.
-I tell him more than Kathleen, Caitlin and Heather combined, and possibly more than Beth by herself.
-he knows how I feel about a lot of things
-he knows my history, past relationships, my likes and dislikes, who I am and what my expectations for a relationship are.
-I smiled when I started writing this list.
-he understands me.
-I think I understand him (to a degree).
-he's close to my type.
-he reads.
-i respect him.
-he's (at least) an intellectual equal.
-he's a constant.
-I'm comfortable going to him with my problems, and often feel better afterwards.
MINUS
-he's a little too goofy and odd sometimes.
-we go to the same school and there would be a lot of the "omg you and ...?!"
-he *can be* an jerk.
-he *can be* insensitive.
-I really dislike one of his best friends.
-he told me he's interested, but hasn't mentioned it or shown it since (possibly because I'm already half-taken?)
-I have somewhat of an emotional and intellectual connection with him, but I'm having difficulty seeing a romantic/physical relationship with him.
-he knows I used to cut and how much ppl joking about it infuriates me, yet he's joked about it and screwed around with cutting in front of me in the past.
-he's relatively inexperienced.
-sometimes he doesn't seem to care about anything.
-I don't know *how* interested he is, or if he'll stick around.
INTERESTING
-I can't get him out of my head.
-I never got that hug I was owed, and it makes me a little sad.
-being a touchy-feely person, I want to touch him a lot, and I keep stopping myself.
-he can be as moody as me sometimes.
-when I found out about Beth's play and how she wanted me as the main character I was excited because I'd get to kiss whoever played the opposite lead. When I found out she wanted Craig for that role, it made me happy.
-I was a little sad when I heard that he had a girlfriend, but really happy for him nonetheless.
-did he give up and move on when I told him I didn't want it to be another Robert/Troy thing?
INTERESTING OVERALL
-I don't know if I like the attention more than I like either guy, and some part of me want to keep doing this so that I get the best of both worlds. But it's not fair to any of us.
-Kesh has no idea.
-I really really don't want this to turn into another Robert/Troy thing.
-Kesh kept asking me to dance (read: grind) last night and I kept telling him no, 1) because that kind of dancing has never appealed to me and 2)because I was acutely aware of Craig all night and didn't want to do anything that would hurt him. I didn't kiss him while we were there for the same reason.
-I didn't really mean to bring Kesh to the semi-formal. He kind of invited himself along, and I never told Craig I was bringing him. I knew it, and didn't tell him, and felt like such a bitch. I didn't want Craig to not come because of Kesh.
-I am very definitely not bringing Kesh to prom, regardless of whether I'm with him or not by then. I'm going with my friends/alone, and I can live with that. (/with Craig? no idea.)
-I feel very weird when I *don't* talk to Craig that night. I miss it.
I'm sure there's more but I've been writing this for the better part of an hour and can't think of anything else right now.
A song to fit the theme:
"Questions" by Jack Johnson
Questions,
I've got some questions
I want to know you
But what if I could ask you only one thing
Only this one time, what would you tell me?
Well maybe you could give me a suggestion
So I could know you, what would you tell me?
Maybe you could tell me what to ask you
Because then I'd know you, what would you tell me
Please tell me that there's time
To make this work for all intents and purposes
And what are your intentions, will you try?
Impressions, you've made impressions
They're going nowhere
They're just going to wait here if you let them
Please don't let them
I want to know you
And if they're going to haunt me
Please collect them
Please just collect them
And now I'm begging
I'm begging you to ask me just one question
One simple question
Because then you'd know me
I'll tell you that there's time
To make this work for all intents and purposes
At least for my own
What is a heart worth if it's just left all alone?
Leave it long enough and watch it turn into stone
Why must we always be untrue?
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On a somewhat unrelated note; I love to be touched. I crave physical contact like some people crave coffee. Touch my arm while you're talking to me and I'll respond better to you. Take my hand and I'll stay by your side. Wrap your arms tightly around my back and I'll feel incredibly safe and loved. Hold my head with your hand around the back of my neck when you kiss me and I'll melt. Kiss the spot when the nape of my neck connects to my shoulder and I'll shiver. Life is all about body language and touch. So much can be said by a simple touch. (Please note that wasn't a "dear....i want you to touch me like this" it was a list of examples.)
That being said, there's different kinds of touch. With a distinct difference in hugs and kisses. There's the friendly or obligatory hug that only lasts as long as it takes you get your arms around the person and then let go. There's the close friendly hug thats a few seconds longer, usually no longer than 3 seconds. The sympathetic hug that can turn into holding someone for a couple minutes if it comes to that. And then there's the hug that I always crave, that I can't even find a name for. The hug where no one is awkwardly sticking their ass out so as not to touch the other person. The hug where no one is counting the seconds until they can let go and not seem insulting. The hug where you can squeeze the other person as tightly as you want and it's still acceptable. The genuine hug, where both people want to be there in that moment, romantic or not. There are not enough hugs like those in the world. There should be.
As for kisses...I saw a movie tonight. In the Land of Women or somesuch title. The new one with Adam Brody. In that movie there's a couple of scenes with very unexpected kisses. Where nothing particularly interesting or important is going on and one character just grabs the other and kisses them, hard. They usually apologize afterwards, but there's so much chemistry and electricity when that happens...I find the idea of a kiss like that incredible intoxicating. There aren't enough of those in the world either.
And since I've spent about 2 hours writing this off and on, and its 1am and I have to work tomorrow, I'm going to get to bed.
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