Ouch

This doesn't look good for me.

I often wonder why it is that I get so angry so easily. Why I become angry at my parents, my brother, the people I care about, especially Craig. Why I lose my temper so easily and get as angry as I do. I've come to the conclusion that should have been evident from the beginning. Becoming angry and defensive is easier than admitting (to myself and everyone else) that I'm hurt. Really hurt. So hurt, in fact, that it makes me too vulnerable to reveal it. I said before that I wasn't afraid to be vulnerable around him. I wasn't before, maybe I am now? I want to trust him and more than anything right now, I want him to trust me, to want me. But just wanting something isn't enough. Its his own decision and I can't make it for him (believe me, I would have if I could). He's already made up his mind though, I can tell. It doesn't look good for me.

But I'll live. I'll survive. I'll have to. I'll put on a bright smile, and look fabulous and flirt with all the guys, and be defiant and strong. And you'll wonder how I ever seemed so weak. And at prom, I'll be the star. Beautiful and confident, secure and loved. And you'll wonder at how stupid you were to pass me up. You'll see me and take everything at face value, and think that I'm okay. But you'll never see me hurting. I won't let you.