Unfinished Business

I always seem to have a hard time finishing entries. I get started on one and then get distracted and before I know it, whatever I was going to talk about doesn't seem as important anymore. I decided today that I'm going to finish a couple of entries I've started in the last couple of weeks.

Regret

Have you ever regretted something? Of course you have, we all have. Most of the time these regrets are small things. We regret not getting up early to get breakfast that day. We regret not doing our homework. We regret missing that game-winning touchdown pass. Occasionally we regret something that affects other people. And that's when life gets complicated.

I thought I was interested him someone. I'll call him SR. I liked him. But I had no idea how he felt, so I kept quiet about it. Then I saw him at a party, and he had his arm around me all night. He got really drunk and after asking for a New Year's kiss (which I refused, my morals getting the better of me) he apologized profusely for being so drunk and told me that he had been planning on asking me out that night. By the end of the night I had been so jerked around by all these different emotions (seeing my ex-boyfriend for the first time in 2 months, dealing with other drunk people, etc) that I was just emotionally exhausted and didn't care anymore. I had to walk home with SR and another drunk person and I had had all I could take. SR started to apologize again and I blew up at him, almost yelling that I didn't give a shit and that if he wanted to make those decisions and screw himself over then it was up to him, it was none of my business. I was angry and didn't talk to him for a couple of days. Then I went to work and talked to my co-worker who essentially told me that guys are idiots but that he drank because he was nervous and didn't talk to me because he was embarrassed, and to give him another chance. So I did. SR and I went out last week. We saw a movie and then came back to my house to have pizza and hang out for awhile. We ended up making out on my couch, horizontally, and cuddling for a long time.

The thing is, SR really isn't good at making out. In fact, he's actually really bad. He kept making strange and awkward comments and I just felt uncomfortable the whole time. And yet, I couldn't stop kissing him. It felt so good to be so intimate with someone again. To be held, to feel that skin on skin contact, to feel that passion. And so when he left we were still kissing as he walked out the door. But as soon as he left I regretted it so much. I knew I was leading him on because after that I really didn't want to be with him. I don't want to be a girlfriend right now. I'm not ready to be tied down. I want to be out dating, I want to be able to make out with a different guy every week and not care. But how do I do that without getting the reputation of a slut? It's impossible. But I'm not going to settle for someone I don't really want. I'm holding out for someone I want who really wants me. Because one of the most appealing things about a guy is that he wants me. The only thing is I'm still attracted to SR. Not sexually attracted, not anymore, but attracted nonetheless. I think one of the most attractive things is a guy who is involved in something. A guy who leads something. And SR leads a big athletic thing at my school. I respect him for that. But at the same time, he doesn't have a job or anything like that. I want my ex-boyfriend back. Not because I miss him but because he had all the qualities I look for in a guy. He was my ideal boyfriend. But I screwed that up. I wish I knew then what I know now. About him and about me. I wish I'd been more independant, and I wish I'd given him more space when he needed it. It all comes down to me being too clingy, too dependant on him for my happiness. And that is what I regret most.

Money Makes the World Go 'Round

Sometimes I really despise my family. They have good intentions, sure, but sometimes those good intentions are misplaced, or at the expense of something else.There's no money for me to go to university. I applied 2 days ago to 5 different universities for 5 very different programs. University of Toronto -St. George campus for Book/Media Studies, University of Toronto - Mississauga campus for Management, Queen's University for English, Ryerson University for Psychology and University of Ottawa for Honours Sociology/Communication. Each program and each university has its appeals. Each program relates somehow to the kind of career I want to have, except psychology. I've yet to find the link for that one. uOttawa is close to home meaning I don't have to stay in residence, Queen's is small and comfortable and near my cottage so I can go there on the weekends, plus I know a little bit of the campus already. Ryerson is the only place I think I have a shot of getting into the psychology program in, and it looks to be small classes. St George is in the heart of downtown Toronto and that kind of busy city lifestyle appeals to me. As for Mississauga, I'm not going to lie, I don't want to lose someone I'm close to when graduation rolls along. Mississauga does have the program I want, but the reason I applied was mostly so that I might not lose my friend.
But back to money. My dad is pushing for me to go to Queen's, one of the most expensive schools in Ontario, and yet at the same time he's telling me that there isn't enough money for me to go to U of T, even though Toronto is a bit cheaper. It's stupid. What my parents are telling me now is that they'll pay my tuition, but I'm paying for residence myself. In Toronto thats about $9000. And I have about $600 saved up, though I plan on spending at least $300 of that on clothes for my cruise and on the cruise itself in March. I don't know how I'm going to come up with the money. I'm scared. I don't know if anything is going to work out. I just know that I can't wait to get out of here, to be on my own. Sometimes I want to get away from my family, sometimes I want to get away from my friends, but mostly I think I want to get away from myself. To start fresh where all the bad choices I've made mean nothing. To be my own person and live for myself. That was my New Year's Resolution; To live for myself, not for anyone else. I plan on doing that, maybe it won't happen until next August, but it will happen. It has to happen.

-Este