Deflating

It's sad how much my self-confidence and self-esteem can waiver. I spent some time with some friends tonight. I was really looking forward to just having a quiet girls night, so I'll admit it, I was disappointed when it ended up being 5 people. Still I figured it could be fun, especially when there was the possibility of someone I had been wanting to see again showing up. But he never did, and it wouldn't surprise me if the idea had never been suggested. But oh well. The entire time I just felt like a 5th wheel. Made 10x worse by the fact that I'm interested in one of the guys, and he's not even involved with the girl....ick. It was shitty, and except for moments few and far between, I didn't really enjoy myself. By the end of the night I was just feeling shitty. Riding home in the van I was thinking about it all. I've overcome a lot of things in my life. I don't say that for attention or for anyone to feel sorry for me, I say it because it makes me feel good. It reminds me that I really have been through a lot. I used to be a very scared, very timid person. I never spoke up for myself, never tried to talk to anyone outside my group, and even within my group I was never comfortable. I have honestly grown so much and I have so much self-confidence and such good self-esteem now. I'm rarely uncertain when it comes to talking to people and I can shrug most things off now. But some things still eat away at that. Being around someone you're interested in and having him not notice you at all is one of those things. It makes me second guess myself. Makes me wonder about my beauty, my personality, my body. It makes me wonder if I'm not good enough. And I hate feeling like that. I hate not feeling secure. It's not that I'm vain enough to think that I'm beautiful, I know I'm not. And it's not that I'm conceited enough to believe that every guy should like me, I'm not that stupid. It's just that for someone who has felt so confident and sure of myself and strong, it's horrible to feel so small and dependent on someone else's opinion for my own happiness. I've had moments where I've felt larger than life, and every so often someone comes and deflates me in one fell swoop. I hate it. I absolutely abhor it. I can't stand feeling like this.