I had a few thoughts floating around in my head, but now that I'm sitting down to write this, they all seem so insecure, and that's no longer the kind of person I want to be. (was it ever?) I was thinking about my weight, and how I think I've lost some, and wondering if its due to some lingering self-destructive tendency, or if my mom will see it that way, or even notice. I was wondering about my skin, my hair, my clothes, my beauty in general. I was wondering was people see when they look at me. If people think I'm pretty or not. I've had plenty of people tell me I'm hot, or beautiful, but those people are generally either family, guys I'm dating or whom I know are interested in me, or guys who are just looking to get laid. I don't think I'm beautiful. Sometimes I feel gorgeous, but sometimes I feel ugly as sin. I wondered if people like me more upon seeing me or after talking to me. I was wondering if its my looks or my personality that draws people to me, and which one pushes them away. I knew getting my belly button pierced would cause some people to look at me differently. Carl was one I didn't expect. He's a great guy and I love talking to him because he's always got one story or another, and I know he loves my piercing. According to him, navel piercings are only lower on the hotness scale to lower back tattoos and tongue piercings. The more I talk to him, the more he learns about me, and if he's not laughing at the stupid things I've done, he's agreeing with me. I can safely say I'm not interested, but its sooooooo nice to have a guy friend here. He reminds me of Kyle back home, only without the sexual tension. I'm still waiting to see what my dad and brother will say about my piercing. I'm willing to bet they won't be too happy.
I'm starting to think seriously about studying abroad for a year, or maybe just a semester. I haven't yet decided if I really want to do it or not. It would be an amazing opportunity, and I love to travel, but I don't know how well I'd do over there. Or where I'd go, for that matter. I'm thinking Australia or New Zealand perhaps.
Sophie and I had our first real roommate bonding moment a couple weeks ago. I'd had a disappointing msn conversation and was pretty bummed about it. We just sat and talked for about 2 hours, sharing relationship stories, good and bad, and talking about our flaws. We came to a conclusion that is pretty damn accurate for me. I open up too soon. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it's constantly flinging itself out there for anyone to take. I did not trust guys for a very very long time. I passed up a lot of great opportunites after Troy, that I didn't take because I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to allow myself to be hurt. I'm still not. Nobody wants to be hurt, I just want someone to care about me, even just a little bit. ...and of course sex wouldn't hurt either. :P
In all honesty, Carl laughs at me because I go from guy to guy so quickly. Its not that I'm a slut, or want to sleep around, its that I'm looking for someone, someone who is looking for me. Maybe I'll find him, maybe I won't, maybe I already have. We'll see where life takes me.
Sorry for all the topic-jumping, its 4am and my thoughts have been jumping around all day as it is. Comments welcome.
2 comments:
Sure, you wear your heart on your sleeve, but honestly, who doesn't? Oh wait, I know. There's this one girl in a couple of my classes who barely talks to anybody, she's scared halfway to death, completely out of her depth. She wants people to talk to her, she wants to talk to other people, but she's just too scared, and nobody approaches her. I don't know why. Maybe she's always got her face in a book or a pile of notes, maybe she has "fuck off" tattooed on her forehead, it could be anything. Wearing your heart on your sleeve isn't the worst thing to do.
You are gorgeous. I am not family, nor am I a guy you're dating or one who is looking to get laid, and I'm telling you sincerely that you're beautiful. Don't let having a personality trick you into thinking that you're not beautiful on the outside too.
You're looking for someone who's looking for you. That's all anybody's looking for, and anyone who can look you in the eyes and say differently is out of their tree. John Steinbeck once said “We are lonesome animals. We spend all our lives trying to be less lonesome.” And it really doesn't matter how you manage that, but know that eveybody else is trying to do the same thing.
I should have exempted very close friends. :)
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