Regrets?

Well if I didn't bloody want to cut before, I sure as hell do now. I have so many thoughts spinning around in my head that I don't know how to separate them into coherent sentences. At first it was endearing, he cared enough to be upset. Then it was frustrating. And now I'm just pissed off. It's my fucking life. My skin, my arms, my scars. Where the hell does he get off being so high and mighty about it? I can't help but wonder if he's read the rest of my blog. If he knows how bad I can get. Because lets face it, I know me, and I was okay until all of this got dragged up again. It was one day, one moment of weakness and it didn't help at all and I knew that. I knew that and I wasn't going to do it again. But again, I know my history with this better than anyone else, and talking about it, and thinking about it, its only going to make me want to do it again. Just like the alcohol awareness seminar the other night making everyone want to go out and get drunk. Now it's in the forefront of my brain and I'm all alone for a week to dwell on it. Alone to dwell and alone to act. I don't fucking want to get sucked into all this again, I thought I was done with it after Robert. The last time someone tried to get me to quit, to talk to someone about it, my guidance counsellor threatened to have me hospitalized and I almost ended up with a restraining order against Robert. And guess what? I got worse. Cutters who are faced with ultimatems don't quit, they just find better ways to hide it. I became so bitter about Robert trying to get me to quit, that I ended the relationship. To this day I still dispise him. When I talked to my guidance counsellor, I didn't just tell him about the cutting. I told him about moving in with Robert, my dad's drinking, my mom's overbearingness...everything that drove me to cut in the first place. He was always repeating himself, always trying to give advice, when all I really wanted was someone to listen. When I got to the part about Robert's (then) recent behaviour, the things he said and did, the way he terrified me when he grabbed me and shoved me onto the bed that one time, he started talking about getting the police to pay Robert a visit. In a way I am glad that I talked to my guidance counsellor, even though I was always angry with him for making me be there when I didn't want to be. Maybe cutting is like a fever, and it has to get worse before it gets better. I thought I was better. No, I can't even say that. I'm like a smoker. I can say I'm quitting and not have a cigarette for awhile, but really until I can talk about it and see it and think about it without wanting it, I haven't completely quit.

New Beginnings
As much as I dislike all things medical and professional as they relate to my psychological state, I did what I promised I'd do. Or at the very least, I took the first step. There's a poster up next to the elevators in my building advertising Theraputic Communication. I think it has something to do with training new psychologists, because it says something about "supervised by professionals". They're looking for people to come in and talk about whatever issues they have. I always knew it was something I should do anyways, as marked by the fact that i pulled the number for it off of the poster 2 weeks ago. I guess I do know whats best for me, I just need to have someone shove it in my face for me to accept it. I called the number yesterday. I got a voice recording telling me to leave my name and number and whether or not I give them permission to leave a message on my answering machine. They said they'd be starting within the next month, but I really don't want to wait that long. If this is something I'm willing to do now I've got to do it now while I'm still willing. I thought about going to the counselling clinic or whatever it is thats in the same building as the book store today, but I chickened out, reasoning that if I've already signed up for this other thing I don't know if it would be detrimental to start talking to someone else. That and I was wearing make-up and history has proven to me that if I go and talk to someone about what I'm feeling, that eyeliner and mascara will be down to my chin in no time. I haven't cried often since I've been in Toronto, except for the past few days. I sometimes feel that a good cry and a solid hug would make everything better, but I haven't been able to let myself sink that low yet. Not to mention that solid hug would be pretty hard to come across right now. When I was really bad before, I couldn't cry. I couldn't write either, which isn't so much of a problem for me right now. I'm full of things to write about, but not really able to formulate anything worthwhile. I don't eat either if I'm trying to quit cutting. There was a time in my life that I would starve myself to keep myself from cutting. Substituting one self-injury for another I guess. I haven't cut in a few days, and I'm eating well, thats how I know I'm not hooked again.

Hell hath no fury...
But of course, the cutting is only one part of this. I wouldn't even be thinking about going to get help if it weren't for a guy. How fitting. I keep getting asked by my friends "Do you really like this guy?" because they keep seeing me hurting and trying my damndest to make it work. I keep telling them "Yes, I really do like this guy." Its not a lie. I'm happy when I'm with him, and its not just happiness of being with someone at all. I don't want to guilt him into staying in whatever relationship limbo we've been in recently. I'm not going to tell him that if he ends it I'll start cutting again. Because really, who wants someone who is only there because they have to be? I don't. He says he can't deal with someone as negative as me. That really pisses me off. I am no different now than I was a week ago, and a week ago he still wanted me. At the same time, he gave me a few different lines which I knew perfectly well were attempts to end it and I argued them. After a point I realized, if he's already made up his mind then none of this matters and I gave him a very clear chance to end it. He said I need to figure some things out and that he can't see me until I have. He asked if I was going to get help and I (very grudgingly) agreed. I don't quite know where this leaves us, but I'm betting it isn't good. I don't like the fact that even if I go through with this and get help, I may very well not get anything back. On the other hand, do I even want to be with someone who freaks out when I try to share something with them? This whole thing smacks of being just an excuse to break it off. If that's what it is and there's no chance of anything working out, I'd rather it just be ended now so I can deal with the aftermath of that while I deal with everything else that's wrong in my life, instead of getting back on track just to be hit with another low blow. There's only so much I can take.

~Don't do me any favors

matter of fact why don't you

do yourself a few

your presence ain't nobody's blessing

I've got plenty of other things

I could do

no, not another excuse

your tired silly games

for me are just no use

and now it's plain for me to see

you're with somebody

that you don't want to be

so won't you

please please me like you want to

not like you have to

or won't you just go on and leave me

leaving me is the least that you could do

you could have spared me

so much misery

and told me you just wanted

a friend

believe me there is a difference

when you mean it

and when you pretend

or was I just your habit

cause I know a habit

is a hard thing to break

but won't you spare me

a little mercy

there's only so much

so much that I can take

so won't you

please please me like you want to

not like you have to

or won't you just go on and leave me

leaving me is the least that you could do~

I even told my mom about the whole argument and what it was about. I've done everything within my power to not talk about cutting with her, and here I am willingly bringing it up. That's got to count for something.

What worries me a little is that Sophie is gone this week, until Monday at least. I'm not worried that I'm going to cut again, I'm not that stupid. But this has got to be the worst timing ever. I was so looking forward to taking advantage of not having a roommate. I wasn't even thinking about anything sexual, just having someone to share a bed with, to be held by. A hug does wonders. And now, at a time when I need to be held the most, when I most need to be in the company of someone who cares about me, even just a little bit, now is when I'm left by myself for a week. I just know I'm going to be dwelling on this all week, and in all honesty, I just don't want to be alone. There's one person who could make me feel better instantly, whom I just want to sit down with and explain everything to, and he's not talking to me.

~~~Where are we?

What the hell is going on?

The dust has only just begun to form,

Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.

Spin me round again and rub my eyes.

This can't be happening.

When busy streets a mess with people

would stop to hold their heads heavy.

.....

Hide and seek.

Trains and sewing machines.

(Oh, you won't catch me around here)

Blood and tears,

They were here first.

Mmm, what you say?

Mm, that you only meant well?

Well, of course you did.

Mmm, what you say?

Mm, that it's all for the best?

Ah of course it is.

Mmm, what you say?

Mm, that it's just what we need?

And you decided this.

Mmm what you say?

What did she say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.

Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.

Speak no feeling, no I dont believe you.

You don't care a bit.

don't care a bit.~~